Thursday, January 02, 2014

Goodbye 2013...

2013 was a crap year. Some would call it the worst year of my life. It was the year when I finally began to see how "evil" I could become. And to say the truth I could become the devil.

It was a horrid realization to that I could be that person that could exploit another persons weakness or faults. While some would not think twice about doing it. Especially where money was involved, I on the other hand was haunted at the person that I had become. I will admit that a part of me enjoyed the moment, because after all we everyone concerned knew exactly what they were getting themselves into and the risks involved, but all of me loathed myself after that.

At some point nothing seemed to be going right in my world. I was a picture of envy to some. I was even cast as a role model to others, but inside I knew I was shit. That this was a very well choreographed dance. Those closest to me could see behind the cracks in my mask and the chinks in my armour. However the knowledge that someone else was aware of my struggles did not spur me to seek redemption or improvement. The truth was that I did not know the way out.

As with all things in life that are not what they seem to be, the cookie eventually crumbled. It was only when I let down someone very dear to me did I go home and mentally begin to fall apart. In a ironic twist, this person actually forgave me immediately, but all that did was to heap burning coals on my head.

Life's meaning and purpose was... Well, not there. It was evident in everything I did and I did not give a fuck. I drank more, slept less. My eyes were dead to life around me. I did not care or bother about most around me. It was a bad time to be my friend, especially when I did not feel comfortable telling you what was happening.

It was a dark couple of months, but you know what? Lights shine brightest when it is darkest. I opted to do something that I had never thought that I would ever do. Seek out professional help. And so, one grey July morning I got up out of my bed and went to see a professional counsellor.

It was tough. It was difficult to sit there and share some of the things that I was going through with a total stranger. People say that it is easier, but not to me. Worse still is to have this person read you so accurately that you freak yourself out.

Many words, a couple of sessions and a few tough decisions later, I was smiling again. I am back to being a generally happy guy... I am still not fixed, but I know what the problem is and what I need to do about it.

I know I rushed that last bit about being better, but I am tired of writing. I may come back and update this post some day.

To 2013 I say aurevoir, adios, goodbye!!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

not a good day

Today started pretty much with the same promise every other Sunday starts. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the choirs were in tune. Yes it was a bright Sunday morning.
Everything was going well. I was looking forward to a relaxed end to the weekend, but suddenly out of the blue, things turned South.
I was hit by a bus; It was not a literal bus. but by some news that hit so hard I struggled to hold my breathe for those first few seconds. It was the kind of news that leaves you mumbling and lost for words.
To make it worse, I should have seen it coming. It was me who fueled the bus. I made sure it was running. I am the one who directed it right onto my path.
The result; I am not dead, but I am hurt. I'm bleeding inside. Whether I shall recover or not is entirely up to me, I want to get well, but certain things need to play right. I know I should take steps to fix things, but I remain unsure of all that I am meant to do. Anything I know I can do I shall do with all my might.
My mind is going crazy with what has just happened; What caused it? What was the tipping point? What do I do now? I cannot even share this with anyone. It is a battle that I have to fight by myself.
I know I need to slow down and evaluate things. If I don't, the next piece of news could send me to the grave... Dear God I cannot go back there.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Mi Lady M

My Dearest Lady M
It has been a long time since I last wrote to you. Long being a few hours since I sent you a message on Whatsapp. Time apart from you seems to be a lifetime when it comes to you. And who can blame me? I have the most wonderful girlfriend; one who I did not even think to wish for, but one who is truly a gift from God in my life. That is why I dance every time I see you. It is a reflection of the joy within me that I cannot contain
To say that you have made me happy is a statement of the obvious.
At the beginning of the year I would never have imagined that I would be calling you my girlfriend and that I would be this happy. I hoped, but I never imagined. Back then, I only had what I thought was a crush. That is why when I say that I am blessed it is beyond what I could have hoped for.
The year that has passed has seen a few highs and lows for the two of us. Going through this has brought us to where we both are. It has made us stronger and closer to not only each other, but also to God who we ultimately had to depend on.
If God will it, I want this to go on for a long time; a very long time. I want to share the rest of my life with you. My life. Not moments or periods of good times, but everything. Every living moment of it that God gives me on this earth.
I know all this may sound deep and is probably quite a mouthful for you take up, but you know where it comes from. I am in love with you. That is one thing that you should not doubt at all. And I plan to show it to you as much and as often as you allow me. (I know my mushiness needs some brakes sometimes) I plan to be there.
Thank you for coming into my life and filling it with such joy. Thank you for accepting me as I am and not judging or questioning me. But moving past all my imperfections and taking me as I am. For I know I am a flawed person, but you make me want to get better and be better. And that was before I even called you my girlfriend.
Given the season, I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas. May you share love laughter and happiness with your family.

With warmest regards,
Your Baby

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I know how I got here and I do not want to leave

I have often been in denial of the things that I do when I am in relationships or when I am into someone. Once the initial dust settles I often look into the mirror and ask myself who I have turned into. I surprise myself every single time with what I am willing to go through for the girl I am into.

However, with Lady M this is slightly different, and that is a good thing; a very good thing. I am into Lady M; a person whom I honestly could not have imagined being with. Not that I did not try, I did. But there was a time it was dead, finished, not even on the rocks or shipwrecked. The ship had not even left port. It is literally by the grace of God that today I can call her my girlfriend. :-)

It does not surprise me the things I am willing to do and go through for her. I amaze myself that I can instantly turn into a ball of mushiness when I am with her, but I am not surprised, and if you ever get to know her you shall realise this;  there is something very special about her. And until today I do not know what. I can't quite put my finger on it or express it. It's more than an emotion, more than I can put into words, something that I have experienced with her.

At first it was her looks that captivated me. I was completely taken by her. You cannot help but notice that that beauty goes much deeper than her beautiful smile or those captivating eyes that light up when she is happy. Or the small sigh she makes when she is completely ecstatic. (I will never forget the time you drove us to Limuru. That was an amazing day)

After being captured by her beauty, I was further pulled in by her mystery. I got the feeling that there was much more to her than I initially saw. Like she was this completely different side of her. Don't get me wrong, she isn't two faced, she is deep.

But there are many people that I know that are deep, I being one of them. However, I came to realise that it is not just her depth that makes her special, It is something more. It is the experience with her. She is like a drug, a taste of life with her and I got addicted. It is this person called Lady M

the person who cares for people way much more than normal people do. 
the artist who pains beautiful pictures in her mind and occasionally puts them down on paper.
the lady, who doesn't need to raise her voice to win a fight.
the person who still enjoys watching club kiboko on a random Saturday morning
the person who is totally taken by a waterfall and nature's beauty
the lady who enjoys hot chocolate at a simple cafe over a espresso at a big hotel
the lady who is allowed to be completely selfish with her life, but has given more of herself than most people will ever know.
who can survive life's nuclear bombs and come out smelling of roses.
the person I have lost countless bets to and even when they are all paid back, I will still owe for the joy of paying them back.

This is the amazing woman that I am falling in love with. I asked for her. I prayed to God for her and when the time was right we were together. That is why I say I know how I got here and I do not want to leave