Monday, December 26, 2011

the Christmas gift

I have never considered Christmas as a time for giving and receiving gifts. That happened only in TV land where all the people were in America.
As I grew up, Christmas was a time to  spend with family and possibly a few friends. We would share a meal together, have a few laughs and reminisce on the year that was.
The routine has been more or less the same over the past decade or so and so this year I did not expect any different. and in many ways, I was right. I spent Christmas with the same people and did the same lunch and tea afterwards. We talked the same stories and shared the same jokes. We also made the same promises to see each other over the course of the coming year. It was a great time!!
There was something this year that was different from last year... I was really happy. I may not have looked like it, but I was really very happy. In a way, life had gotten simpler. Some of the shit that I have been dealing with over the past 1 1/2 years finally seems to be losing it's strangle hold over me. And while I know I am not there yet, I feel that I am on my way back to wholeness.
Adding to it the events of the past week, I can say that I am truly blessed. There were difficulties at work that I encountered and made it through successfully. I had a friend who needed my advice that somehow made sense to them and another who just needed me to be there; not necessarily to say anything, but just be there and somehow things worked out. I am happy that I could be a small help to these people and them a great blessing to me.
I think that is what Christmas is all about. The meals, gifts, cards and messages are all nice, but the best thing is to give of oneself as Christ did. He showed us the way. the least we can do is at least try and follow it in our own little way!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

the goodbye song

The past few weeks have been rather odd. I had exams; and as always I was not worried. I have been out having fun more times in the last 4 weeks that I did for the rest of the year. Met a few new people, some who I find particularly interesting. Things have been rather tough at the office which means I have actually enjoyed work; It's boring when it's easy.
There has been a bit of a shift in my daily patterns. I no longer get to work an hour before reporting time. Most of my lunches are totally random, I've been hanging out with "new" people. The point is, I seem to like this new pattern more than the old... (although something has to be done about the few hours that I have been spending asleep)
One thing that has definitely changed is music. I have been listening to a lot of music of late. Mostly catching up  with what's new out there, but also including a few old songs that carry a bunch of memories with them.

For almost everyone that is close to me in my life, there is a song that goes with them. It may not be necessarily be one that they love or enjoy, but it is one that when I hear, reminds me of them.
And there's this song that's been on  my playlist that reminds me of a friend that I haven't seen in quite a while. Usually when I'd hear it, I'd roll back to good times that we had in the past, but of late the message in it is that of goodbye. It's like person has walked out of my life. Not that we have fought and argued, but that our journey together is over; at least for now. They have their own path to walk, and I have mine.
This of course did not come out of the blue. It hit me a few months back that our paths had started to drift apart and of course that came with a bit of a pain. However, such is life. And as a good pal of mine would say, "These things happen."
Maybe one day our paths shall cross again, and we shall be able to share from our different experiences, right now we have to grow apart rather than together.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

a complete picture of me? part 2

I was to continue with this post a few weeks ago, but I didn't and the whole gist of it was lost. That's life.

Let me summarise it quickly. To my friends and aquaintances, I am known as different people

A smooth dude (probably true)
A kind person (I can be caring)
A rude bastard ()
A rich guy
A miser man
A huslter
A party animal
A happy-go-lucky-guy
Organised and meticulous
A lazy bum
Rigid and stiff
Laissez faire

And the list goes on.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

a complete picture of me?

I am the kind of person who talks to many people sharing many tit bits of my life with anyone who'd bother to listen to me. Yet I have somehow mastered how to do this and leave people completely clueless as to who I truly am. A friend of mine once realised this when they met me at a function with a mutual friend who they described as "The last person I'd expect you to know" and this trend follows in several ways.

The people at the church where I go to think of me as a lovely God-fearing young man. They think I am passionate about the things of Christ and all. In fact when I missed church for most of this month they thought I had gone to seek nourishment elsewhere. If only they knew the only nourishment I sought was under my blankets. In reality I go to church to remind myself of my maker. However every time I turn up and tell people praise the Lord, I feel that little voice in my head saying "Liar! You're a hypocrite" And I do agree with it to some sense. I shouldn't be there. At least not in a leadership position especially after how I have spent some of my Saturday nights. I should be the guy who always arrives late, sits at the back and leaves early to avoid being invited to one church meeting after another.

Office people know me in different ways. Some see me as an extremely rude person who takes no prisoners in the office... And as one person commented I seem to be a snob. I like that. It keeps people off my business. Others think that I am this quiet guy at work, but an absolutely wild man outside the four formal walls. It must be the eye bugs that I sometimes have in the morning when I turn up to work.
Yet others think that I am a genius at my work and nobody apart from me can sort them out. Hahaha!!! these are the ones who I bullshit the most; just for Kicks!!!

My family knows me almost in the same way my church does with a bit of an exception.

Fucking Bastards called Kenya power cut out electricity. I shall continue this post later!!!

Monday, November 07, 2011

i still

When I woke up this morning I knew I had to post something. I did not know what I would put up and the content of what I wanted to post changed as often as the hours in the day, but one thing was constant what, or rather who was on my mind. It might not be the best thing to do, but I have tried what I think is safe and it's freaking boring so let me dive in head first...

I still wake up and want to see you face 
I still long for you every morning I pass outside your place 
I still want to call you the moment I get to work, just so that I can start my day 
I still want to text you and hear from you. Even a hi would brighten my day 
I still daydream about hold you in my arms as my mind drifts off in the afternoon heat 
I still recall fond memories of us together when life was much simpler and hell didn't exist 
I still smile by myself as I walk to the bus stop remembering the way you make me feel 
I still long to talk to you all night as I once used to do (It seems like decades ago) 
I still want to hear the laughter of children, your children...yours and mine 
I still want to kiss you goodnight. You are my B 
I still fall asleep you praying that somehow when I awake, tomorrow will be the day you will be mine 
I still dream of us travelling across the world together just you and I

And I know you want all these things. You want to be loved again. You want a husband that treats you right and children who you can raise to be like you. But I also know you don't want all of them now. Yes to the kids; no to the man. You probably don't want them with another, I don't suffice. It is possible that I shall always want what I can never have when it comes to you, apart from seeing you happy.

I know that at this point I've fucked up this poem....but you know what matters is that despite all this I only want you to be happy. I've tried to pull away from you and deny my feelings. It didn't work. Three years wasn't enough to drive me away from you, I fell for you the moment I laid my eyes on you again. I will still strive to be there for you as a friend nothing more. But remember this, (I know you'll kick my ass for this one) the heart wants what the heart wants; and it wants you.
I still love you

Monday, October 31, 2011

Monday

Today was a strange Monday...

I woke up early. Usually I snooze my alarm for about half an hour before crawling out of bed, sometimes literally, in the direction of the bathroom. However, today I simply switched off the alarm and got up.

As I was brushing my shoes, I noticed a hole on the side. The leather next to the sole was cut.... It was one that I had been expecting for a few months now. I had worn this particular pair of shoes for several years. Today I finally bid them farewell. There would be no coming back form that. It was farewell.

I had breakfast. I have not had breakfast at home for a very very long time. I usually join the rest of the boys a work on the "bachelors line"  headed towards the tea lady asking for mandazis and other similar snacks.

I walked to more than one of my bosses offices. Like most people I don't like my bosses. I give them a wide berth because they love being treated like spoilt 3 year olds. Surely, you are a full grown independent adult, why the need for constant attention and the whining when it is not given to you?

I woke up expecting this Monday to be as rubbish as others, but I stand pleasantly surprised. It's as if I walked into this pleasant dreamlike state. I need it to stay so. Just long enough for me to regain my sanity.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

frustrated...

I am frustrated. Recent attempt to get certain things started have been failing. While my attempts at overcoming the thorn in my side have also fallen short (this is of particular worry to me as it is literally killing me with every passing day). This leaves me stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I cannot seem to go forward neither can I regress. I am motionless. I hate being at such a point.
A friend of mine once told me that when something like that happens to you, God is trying to point you in a certain direction. I have been waiting for this direction to be revealed to me, but all I keep ending up doing is going through a period of what is fondly referred to as "trials that build you up" I'm tired of these trials. How about a reward every now and then? Why do my smiles end in tears in almost every place I find myself.
I hear that a door shall be opened for me to go through, but in my case I see nothing. I'm alone in this dark room with no idea what to do. God knows I am not the most patient man, so why is he leaving me pulling out my hair like this. I cant take it any more I am just going to smash down one of these doors and go through. liwe liwalo!!

I am missing out. am I missing out?

This of course refers to the fact that I am a virgin. Yes!! I am a Kenyan man on the other side of 25 and I have never had sex with a woman. Any woman. There is a story behind that and today I will tell it.

It began with my upbringing. I was raised by parents who are staunch christians. They said that sex was the devils act (Picture Waterboy's mother) and if I indulged in it I would go to hell. So out of fear more than anything else I avoided it like the plague. Of course as a shy teenager, there wasn't much of an opportunity to have sex. I did not even know where to start. The holidays didn't provide an alternative either. Where we lived was quite a distance from anyone else. It was exciting to see anyone else close to my age leave alone have my mind wander about other things.
Meanwhile my friends in school had all started experimenting with girls. I call it experimenting because we really didn't have much of a clue what exactly was meant to happen. I was not easily influenced as I was the good christian boy who would run to the chapel more than the mandatory once a week. I viewed my body as a Holy temple. However, all this changed. It was a gradual thing that came to creep up on me not a very long time ago.

Till about a 2 years ago, I still found my virginity to be something to be proud of and while I remained the only one among the boys who had not done the deed, I was fairly self assured of myself and was not to be said. I was like the Roman Empire at its prime an immovable force. However like the kingdom of old, I began to crumble from the inside. It had to be a girl. And not just any girl, the first girl that I had seriously thought of as wife material.
She liked me and then rejected me. The worst bit was that she did it twice. I have never felt so much pain like I did from that break up. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I felt completely worthless and good for nothing to nobody a feeling that still lingers to this day. After the break up I took to solitude. Smiling with everyone during the day, putting up a strong front, but at night dying inside as I replayed the slow painful death of that relationship and other past rejections from other women who were quick to move on as if that period of happiness meant nothing to them.

My virginity no longer had any value. Because I no longer had any value. Where I once thought that it was worth saving for someone special someday, I stopped considering it as such. Who would want someone who had been discarded and rejected by 'everyone?' I know this was melodramatic, but that's what I felt. It didn't help seeing and hearing of people enjoy having sex with people they loved. While the closest thing I had was some fake ass porn movie and a bit of tissue to jerk off. I was left unwanted and unloved. It was Fucking painful.
To rub salt on wounds, my friends would invite me to one event after another (those couples things) where I would end up being the odd one out time and again. And I would have to make up silly excuses why I had to leave early, only to end up driving around the city or heading home to wallow. And all this time I had nobody to share this with....

I realise the story has moved from being about my virginity to that of a broken heart (much like my posts of late)
After a while I began to heal and met my B again. She helped me regain some of the confidence that I had lost and before I knew it I was in love again. I was in love with her. Here was a woman that I finally clicked with who made me feel AMAZING without even trying. And I poured out my heart to her. This is the onne who I would give everything..... If only she will let me.

This leads me to today.

Goodnight

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

i can't work like this

I work in an office with 4 other women and one dude!! The dude is on leave and I am left to wallow in stories about clothes, fashion, colour schemes and house cleaning. My only reprieve is my earphones. I am beginning to memorise all the rock songs on my computer!!
The other dude has been away for 2 days now, but it feels like a month. Previously, my sister had asked me why men can't hang out for a long time with a group of women and I couldn't come up with a solid answer. Probably due to the fact that I had already zoned out. However, if she was to ask me the same question today I believe I would have an answer.
It's not that we dislike women or cannot interact with them, but our views on life and living are as different as night and day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

moment of truth

This has not been the best of months by a long way. A lot of this is down to myself, but also I have been postponing many things. Things that I should have approached a long time ago, but decided to ignore hoping that somehow things will sort themselves out.... How wrong I was. Anyway. It is now crunch time and I have decided to bite the bullet.
The consequences might turn out to be more than I am willing to bear and I fear that I could lose B, the woman I love, in the process, but the fact that I love her means I must be willing to trust her and trusting her means be honest with her. I swore never to lie to her, and I haven't. However, I have just withheld things from her, things that I feel she should know before I am forced to lie about them.
It began yesterday and this morning I knew I needed to talk to her, I just didn't know where to start. I hate talking to people over the phone, there's something impersonal about it. I get the feeling that it is a bit cold. So, I need to have a sit down and open up my heart to her. Not just about how I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, even though I don't think she wants me, but about my fears and uncertainities and the shit that is my life. I need to put myself out there once more in my life; to lay my wares bare and pray...

a coloured screen

When I was younger, most cellphones that were in the market had a green screen. A few models came out with orange, white and even red screens, but for the most part all most people could afford was a single colour display. A while later, coloured screens were introduced and it became the in thing to have when buying a phone. Now, a coloured screen is common place and the expectations for what what a phone should have is much higher than ever. Those companies that meet the expectation of customers get their phones bought and those that don't lose out.
I guess it is the same for relationships we have. they start off pretty basic. We probably only expect someone to be courteous enough to say hi when you meet on the street, but If that relationship is to grow over a sustained period, so do the expectations of it. You want that person to seek you out in some way, whether to have a cup of coffee or go to a random gig. It is these moments that build relationships. When people actually seek each other out.
What happens when that doesn't happen? When you stop looking for one another, when this person who was so important in your life is no longer in your range of thoughts? What if you find that you're the one doing all the pulling, and the other party is less and less concerned with you? Do you give up? Do you let it die?
I recently watched a relationship go through the same motions. I saw it moving from a place where they were the light in each other's eyes to where they no longer talked and had no time for each other. I mean, we were at the same party and they barely shared a table. They didn't have any bad blood or fight over anything; by the time it was over, there was no passion for the job. It was just a slow painful death!!
How does it get to that point? How do you move from a point of having this person being the most important person in your life to not being worthy of a text? At what point do you give up?
I have been there in the past and experienced the pain of losing someone that way. It's a horrible place to be. It was like a disease eating away at the relationship day after day until you had nothing left. It is not a place I want to return to ever again. Or one that I want anyone to experience for themselves.

Friday, October 21, 2011

when things turn around

There are very few people around me who I interact with regularly and even fewer can actually tell when I am having a good day or pretending to have one.
Of late I have not been having good days. Instead I have been walking round as if  all is right with the world. Such is life. During this period, things took a turn for the worse and I made a few silly decisions that I know shall regret later, but have chosen to live with for now.
When I had almost hit bottom, I decided to cry out and wrote an open letter to God and asked him a few of the questions that were on my mind. I was surprised at his response. (Yes it has already started taking shape, but it is still not clear) This has led me to a point where I have paused at least momentarily, all this self pity and wallowing business. More on that later!!

I accept that I am broken, but the question I ask myself today, of what benefit am I if I stay in such a state? I don't know. What I know is that sometimes I just want to fully embrace pain. In a way, it is comforting, but staying there is definitely not a good thing.

On another note... I have been accused of being too nice in the past. Being the nice guy has won me plaudits all over the place, but they are just that plaudits; never amounting to anything but words of praise. A bit like best effort awards, or like the award they give football teams for fair play. It's an empty prize where everyone will acknowledge the good behaviour of the team in question, but as soon as the applause fades away the team is forgotten and everyone shifts their attention to the tournament winners. No wonder they say good boys finish last.
Today I acted in a manner that wasn't exactly nice. It wasn't me and I do not know why I did it. Somebody asked me for some help that involved a minor inconvenience, but I was obstinate and wouldn't budge. It wasn't the right or wrong thing to do as I had the option to refuse, but I didn't help. In my pragmatic thinking I was asking myself why they saw me as the only one, in a room full of people, who would be willing to be inconvenienced for their comfort... Do I really want to become that cold person? On the flip side; of what benefit is it to remain Mr. nice guy? Or should I stay nice considering I am already towing the line... Why struggle to not be last when it appears reserved for me?
Bloody hell!!!

My mind is scattered right now. So I shall not write any more. Good night

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

an open letter to God

We haven't talked lately. It's all my fault
I have been a bad man lately. and I have done this knowingly and willingly. I won;t use the excuse of being tempted by the devil. No!! This was all me. To be honest a part of me loved it. Especially the bit where I dug up old wounds poured vinegar on them and sat in the sun embracing the pain that I have so long suppressed. Pain that has grown with every disappointment, every heart break and the frustration of seeing my dreams take shape and then burst time and time again before my very eyes. This has made me in the words of another "see myself as less than I am"
I reached a point where I felt the worst feeling in the world. Not being unloved, but being unwanted. being loved to a limit. having a taste, but not the whole. It is said that it is better to have loved and lost. However, sometimes I think  it is better never to have known what love is, because you do not have to live through the pain of knowing the many chances you have seemingly lost.
When I was young. life was so simple. I had the whole world at my feet and I felt could achieve anything. as I grow older I realise that the world is a cold fucked up place. With lost of painful lessons. I know if I actually told them to some, they would regard them as nothing more than a nuisance, but these are my scars and this is my pain.
So tonight I come before you asking you why you made me the way you did. A person who walks with their heart on their sleeve. and seen me take turns that have had it cut up and bruised. And yet still have the foolishness to keep it there....
Is the message you are sending that I should hide it away? Or should I toss it by the wayside and continue this journey without emotion? Tell me what to do!! I am at the end of my line and I see no options not even one. I don't want to live with tears in the back of my eyes... It blurs my sight!! (hee hee)
There is much more in my heart, but I leave it there for now. The ball is in your court

Friday, October 14, 2011

the weekend of 15-16 October

I have kept away from the blog from a while very purposely. I have wanted to post, but even I didn't want to come back and reread what was on my mind. So, I kept away, hoping that this was just a phase, but I realise now that maybe it was meant to be....

Note 1
Have you ever felt a loss of self worth? I have. It's not a good thing when you realise that you have lost value in the eyes of anyone. It doesn't matter whether this person is your lover or your boss. there is a pain that goes through you when you see them looking at you and no longer valuing you as they used too. In a way you feel useless. I have been there before a few times and I sort of feel that way right now, but let us not get into the details. After all; it is my shit and I shall deal with it as I see fit.

Note 2...
Something I dislike in this world is being treated like a child. Not being babied, but rather being treated with kiddy gloves, as if I cannot handle whatever it is that this person is holding back from me. I get the feeling that the inevitable is bad thing that I fear or don't fear (I do not know which it is any more) about to happen, but every time I meet this person, they dance around the issue. I am left hanging. what the fuck do I look like a special case. Just fucking tell me already.

Note 3
Clearly I am in a bad mood. In fact bad doesn't start to describe me... I do not know what brought this all down.

Note 4
I want to fuck. I am horny and tired of waiting. So this weekend might be D-day or should I say F-day or S-day. Whatever!!! This was all triggered last week and well. it's been over 7 days and I still want to have sex.
Seeing as I have such supreme skills in attracting the female gender I believe that I can get laid this weekend. It will only cost me between 500 and 1000 shillings, less accommodation expenses. Yes it shall be a hooker. that is because there is not a woman in this world that would be willing to sleep with me. And I do not blame them.
I am not really a looker, neither am I charming enough. All I hear from my female friends is that I am a nice guy who deserves a good girl who will come along... I carried those words in my heart..... No I am not going to go there. That's just going to open up things that I do not want to get into.

Fuck this. Where's my bottle of wine. Tonight I might drink for the first time in a long time.... Good night.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

a shite post

This was going to be a shite post.... I had all the anger desperation and emotions rolling around in me. the gun was loaded and cocked, but he gun was at home. At some point I wasn't going to do a post, but than some security guard pissed the hell out of me that I just had to post... the dude wanted to lock us into a compound just because of his own stupidity. Bastard!!
This, coupled with my ever increasing loss of self worth (I am not even going to begin that story. I could be here all night.) and we would have had a post and a half. Full of tears pain and anguish, but I think someone out there has me in their prayers. I managed to sweep all my shit back under the rug. so we are good for now.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

the dark side

I am not in a good place. I seem to find myself at a crucial point in my life. I have two choices to make: To follow the path that I know that I should follow, that which God wants me to, but somehow I feel inclined to walk the devils path.
Why? You might ask? Why would I want to walk down a dimly lit path full of pain and anguish. Well, it is definitely not to spit in the face of all those who would want me on the right path, but rather that I am and slowly have been giving up on my chances of making something in my life.
The greatest tragedy here is knowing what you could have accomplished, or maybe are still able to, but not going for it. Losing that spirit that says I ant to be a winner. That's just sad!!
I have not yet made a decision to take that path and I shall probably seek the lighted path.
However, on a night like this I do not see why I should take the well lit path; one that I have sought to follow all my life, but has ended up giving me so much hurt and pain. Pain that still lies in my heart.
These are swords that lie somewhere inside that poke me every time I try to take a breathe and love again. Deep things that I have never shared with anyone, leave alone even writing them down in this blog. There is still a dark corner in my heart that I haven't let anyone into. My B has caught a glimpse of it, but I don't think she knows what she saw then. After all I must remain strong in her eyes. I cannot be seen to be weak. especially not now. So all that I do is end up pissing her off (like today) which is something that tears me apart, but to sit and tell her this... No. It is foolishness in the eyes of man.
It was that dark place where these feelings lie that I visited this evening for the few minutes I was in the shower. The world turned black, emotions swept back into me only to seemingly be washed down with the soapy water. It is what actually led me to write this post. I am so tired... I really need to tell someone about this. It has been eating me up inside for years. But who? I cannot tell B or Slim. B is an involved party and Slim is... well I won't tell him.
Crap. God give me a way out. You've done it before do it again

Monday, October 03, 2011

late night post

I am tired and sick. I seem to be coming down with a cold and the worst days of these month are still before me. yes I am acutely aware that it is only the 3rd. This bloody cold has been threatening since Friday. Where the hell did it come from? However, in the spirit of being positive, I remain grateful for the blessings that God has put in my life.

Today I got the results of an assignment that I did at the very last minute... and I had done exceptionally well. Of course the word well is relative. Let's just say I surpassed my expectations. which is a good thing.
Funny thing. Some chic tried to play that guilt trip nonsense on me after class. too bad she doesn't know that she's dealing with me. I really don't care much for that. In fact I am rarely moved by such actions. So if one has ever taken me on a guilt trip, they truly matter.

In other news: It has been a rather hectic month. At some point I celebrate one more year since my birth. The celebrations were low key, just the way I like them. none of that 1000 posts on FB and millions of calls/texts. just the few that remembered. I enjoyed myself.
I especially enjoyed the bit where my B got me the biggest cake that I have ever been given in my life. Yes my B. It was humongous. And knowing the strings that she had to pull to get it I was really moved. truly truly. And to top it all off she kissed me goodnight... I almost proposed.
It also dawned on me that I am at a stage where not many people make a big deal about your birthday. If you want a big deal made you should throw the party yourself. It's called growing up. Sad really.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

mind of bachelor me

I met a friend of mine on Monday evening. We were chatting about various things and of course given the stage in life that we find ourselves in, the topic of marriage came up. Now when it comes to relationships, I play my cards pretty close to the chest. So I went ahead and gave a her my strategic vision 2015 (last year it was 2014) and she went on to bash my grandiose plans and tell me how I shall be whipped by a certain lady (B comes to mind) and shall get married within 6 months of meeting the girl.
If only she knew how I think... I am not an alpha male, I lay no claim to that. I am the stuff alpha males are made off. I am Man 1.0 The original version not these cheap copies hovering around. Now people misunderstand me when I make such statements. They take it to mean a cold uncaring chauvinistic man, when that isn't what God intended it to be. I do care for those that I love, but I do not pretend to open my heart for everyone... We have over 6 billion people on earth, everyone is covered.
Back to the matter at hand. As I sat discussing matter of the heart with my friend I gave her the following candid view of how men date.
First, they spot the potential girl. Attraction is mostly by sight and a partly her character. If she comes off as too easy to get, it is unappealing, but too hard is also a turn off, the chase has to be there. However there are different levels for each man.
Now let us skip to the good parts. Every man counts the cost of a relationship; literally counts it. All men think rationally, and the investment they have made in you must yield fruit i.e. give birth to something greater. And if it appears that a wrong investment decision is made, we divest. And we cut our ties very fast. But we do so still seeking some return, however minor, for our investment.
NB: Ladies please don't go and insult me I am simply telling you the truth. I not being an exception 
(I am in so much trouble right now). 
At the  point of realisation of a "wrong investment decision" that is where the using, if any, starts. It could be anything from sex, money, to getting a hook up with your boss. You may or may not notice it, but it happens. Remember that last thing he asked from you before he said it was over? That might just be it. In some cases, these being the minority, a man my choose to cut his losses and go empty handed.
Why do we do this? Well, the simple answer is that we are men. This is how we are built and it is the only way we function properly. It is part of this make up that makes us better leaders. (Yes I said it. And if you are of the feminist movement and have a different opinion, speak up and we shall reason together.)
But do not lose heart ladies, don't equate yourself to an item on some balance sheet. No!! when a man invests in you he gives his all. He will never show it. You might think that he has, and if you do, trust me there is more up his sleeve. However it is against our nature to show our hand unless it is necessary to do so. Why do you think men lie to the women they cheat on? This is because in a warped way, they still want to give her more... this topic is for another post. I stop here

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Barcelona vs AC Milan: David won

One of the writers that I admire in the moderna age is Malcom Gladwell. I do not enjoy his reading for how he puts things, but rather the thoughts that he acuatllu puts down.

One of his pieces is titled How David Beats Goliath When underdogs break the rules. Basically he tries to show how David beats Goliath by not playin by Goliaths rules, but by disturbing the environment and playing to his own strengths. That was what we witnessed on tuesday night at the Camp Nou.

Time after time, teams have fallen to Barcelona's mighty sword; being overwhelmed by their neat play and lighting attacks. Some have even found themselves on the front foot at some point in the game, only to start playing into the hands of their opponents and hand the game over to them: Remember Man United in the 2011 final?

The game cannot be described as spectacular in terms of game play, but from a tactical point of view it was a masterpiece. And I do not say this just because I am a Milan fan. Here's my arguement.

Milancame into the game as the clear underdogs with the entire footbal fraternity expecting a white wash of sorts from the current European champions. Coming into this fixture, Milan had only played one competitive match, companred to Barelona's 3. In addition, while both teams were missing key players, the impact on Milan was seemingly greater than it was on the home side. Given this and their inconsistent pre-season, I did not have much hope for a draw...that was until I sat infront of my tv on Tuesday night

Milan had a plan and I believe they executed it brilliantly. When Pato blasted past Busquets and slotted the ball between Valdez legs, I began to get the sense that there was more to the Milan set up than met the eye. The rest of the game was almost all Barcelona and the got  through the defence on two occasions. However the manner in which Milan kept they cool  and bid their time was something to be admired. Even when they lost the lead, there was no rush or panic in the ranks, the players stuck to the plan. and it eventually paid off when Thiago popped up to head the ball into the net from a last minute corner.

Milan did not play a pretty game, but they surely played an intelligent one. They let Barca attack them all night in a way that expressed confidence in their ability to to defend. And whenever the chance arose, they tried to catch Barcelona on the break and expose their makeshift backline.

After a horrible campaign in Europe last season, Mister Allegri officially announced his arrival at this stage. and with well thought out performances like those, Milan could just turn out to be the dark horses of this tournament.

lovely afternoon

I spent part of Saturday with my B... It was beautiful. I took her to our favourite spot, that being anywhere she can be found, and I did not want to let her go, even though I knew that she needed to leave. Of late, it has become increasingly difficult to meet and share a laugh or two, and every moment I can grab with her is one that I carry in my heart until I next see her again. I had really missed the warmth of her company and even after leaving all I thought about for the rest of the evening and indeed the next day was her. 


she is going through tough times and pulls away every now and then to heal herself. However I have made up my mind to do what any real friend would do; to be around for her. and make her know that at any moment she needs me, I shall be there at her side. 


The good thing is that she is getting some help from people who can do so much more for her than I ever could. God is coming through and showing himself to her little by little. And it warms my heart to hear her smile over the phone, even when I know her world has lost almost all the colour that was once there. 


It is not easy to love someone when you know that there are forces ready to tear the two of you apart. I must admit that I sometimes find myself holding back a bit, not wanting to commit too much lest I get hurt, but at the same time every fibre of my being just wants to be with her.


As we sat and talked in that restaurant, she asked me to stop spoiling her. I was going to take it in jest, but the look in her eyes said otherwise. She tried to explain how she feels I am doing too much for her. I did not understand it fully because I know myself and I know that I would do so much more, but I did get what she saw of my actions. basically I needed to make my action clear to her and not leave her thinking that I was simply there to do her bidding... 


I know how being too much for someone can be detrimental and leave them feeling pressured to act in a way that they would not naturally do. In a way it is a good sign, but one cannot keep up the act forever, you eventually crack. 


This is not to say that what B does for me is an act. NOOO!! on the contrary I have not met anyone who is more sincere with me. And it's not just the words that come out of her lovely mouth, but the look in her eyes when she talks to me. Those eyes really shine through and cut through all her imperfections (if any exist!!) and speak directly from her heart to mine. Maybe that's why I am so taken by her.


In conclusion, what am I saying? 


Just a not to B, who will eventually read this:


Every time I am with you I never want to let you go, I want to be there with you. I want there to be an us, not just a you and me. And whatever comes out in the coming weeks, I promise to hold your hand through it. I might get angry and I might even get hurt even to the point of tears, but I will NOT let you go... DO NOT FEAR!! God above is with us.

Friday, September 09, 2011

policing your staff? that's just tacky

Believe it or not, the origin of this entire rant came from denial of facebook...


In the 1960's Douglas McGregor came up with a theory of motivation known as Theory X Theory Y to describe the two contrasting models of motivating a workforce.

Theory X assumes employees are inherently lazy and will avoid work if they can and that they inherently dislike work
Theory Y  assumes employees may be ambitious and self-motivated and exercise self-control.

Theory X has since been proven to be counter-effective in modern practice, but why do people still use it? In the place where I work, there are all sorts of controls to ensure that one does not have access to social media, you tube, personal mail etc. The reason: it is counterproductive to employment. Really are we that backward?

It is becoming increasingly evident that social media is actually becoming an important contributor to productivity in the work place. CEO's can get a feel of what people, especially influencers feel about their organisations, people can meet online and discuss ideas that can lead to change. It was social media that led to the North African revolutioins earlier this year... so why keep such powerful tools away from people?

Long gone are the days when having online access was  a preserve of the rich few, nowadays we can all enjoy browsing experience from the comfort of..... anywhere really. So, by accessing facebook, twitter or even yahoo mail at work is really nothing that will take one away from work. If your employee is spending all their time away from their duties, it is not that they are distraced by socialising, their work simply isn't a motivator for them any more.

Instead of policing their access shouldn't we teach people how to use these toosl fro their work? The office as we know it can no longer be limited to a brick and mortar building... it is something much much more and those who fail to see that the walls no longer exist will be left lagging far far behind. Technology is a brutal beast, it changes by the minute and punishes those who refuse to change with it.


The case where I was asked to please cease from accessing social media reminds me of a "do not walk on the grass" sign. It is in my nature to challenge commonly held beliefs. It is not that I want to walk on the grass, but when someon tells me not to, I ask myself "What will happen if I do?"
 
Haven't you ever wondered why people are always "doing" right next to the "do not" sign?

Thursday, September 08, 2011

my problems with our dear politicians

Where do I start? I am writing this post in order to avoid going out and shooting these guys with a rubberband and a rolled up piece of paper just like I used to secretly shoot the bully in primary school. Or that kid that I didn't like because he looked funny (And no jokes about me seeing my reflection in the mirror) I digress.

I have two issues with our leaders this week.

The first is this. They collectively cried and moaned, allegedly on our behalf, about power being too centralised. Therefore several years later we moved to have this constitution where power was decentralised from the president to the "people" (whoever thoe people are)
However, although power has been distributed, this only seems to be the case on paper. Mentally we are still living in the past. The current teacher's strike is testament to this. Parliamentarians (Is there such a word?) recently requested the principals to handle the situation. For what? I ask. Does the President/ Prime minister control the budget? Is it in their day to day mandate to deal with matter education?

The second is closely related. MP's recently moved a motion in what is now becoming cliche "record time" tom divert funds from the contingent fund in order to pay their taxes. Forgetting the moral argument, and looking at  it as a glegal issue, but shouldn't one be taxed on their income? And I would imagine that if one gets money from somewhere to pay their taxes, shouldn't they be also taxed on the money that they took to pay the loan, after all I do not believve that this is a loan. I would recognise it as income and slap a tax on that too? After all I do not think that this money will be paid back to the contingent fund by the MP's. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

not very serious

I have had this blog for over 5 years now. And I have not been very serious about it most of the time. I treat it like I treat many things in my life, a seasonal indulgence that I shall leave as soon as I get bored and return to as soon as I realise that I do actually have something good going on.

There have been several reasons why I have not been as consistent as I ought to be.
First is a raison d'etre. I had no reason for having the blog. It was something that I started on a whim without a plan. I simply thought that it would be interesting to do. As I walked along I had different ideas of what to concentrate on. Whether to focus on the things that I love such as cars and football or to rant and rave on the goings on in the country or to simply write it all... It is something that shall grow as we move along.

The second is the anonimity approach that I decided to take in authoring this blog. I live a life where, it would be better if most people did not know my dirty little secrets. Like the fact that I actually wear my heart on my sleeve. Or that I have been involved in certain dirty deeds.
I guess I am living a pretentious life, but aren't we all? However let me not justify myself with other's actions.
The approach of writing anonymously has limited the things that I can put down here. I am simply too lazy to go ahead and make up fake names for names and accomplices.

The reason I write is post comes from some spot of inspiratoin from another blogger, http://www.bikozulu.co.ke/ Maybe one day I can reach the level that he currently happens to be. for now I remain Tomas...

Thursday, September 01, 2011

strange evening

Tuesday evening was a strange one....

I left work expecting to meet up with a pal for drinks. So I headed to the spot where we were to meet and chilled for her. After meeting a few friends who happened to work in the building I eventually gave up and left... not really caring if she called or not. I know I am desperate for friends, but I wasn't going to wait forever... Too much pride.

Anyway, I took another walk across town, one of the 20 that I have done in the recent past for various reasons. And after clearing my head I began to head out of town. Just as I was passing outside a pub I heard the unmistakeable laugh of someone I know (Yes it is that unique!) I joined her and her two pals, X(a chic) and Y(a dude) who had offered to buy me a drink.

We got to talking about everything and nothing at the same time. And before long we were discussing drugs. Yes I'm not such a naive young man. To cut a long story short, I found myself taking these two pals of hers to buy weed cookies at some joint I know (Yes I have the no. to a weed guy).

After our little adventure, we returned to the pub excited at the prospect of experimentation... I was considering the prospect until X started tellling me how Horny she gets when she gets high. Then she started suggesting that she comes to my place...

I hit the panic button and started looking for the closest exit. Not that it was a bad thing to be hit on... It was quite flattering, but I am in love with someone else. And the last thing that I could contemplate right now is someone else in my life.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Quit asking

To all the naggers out there...

Quit asking because nobody wants you to know.
You wont be getting any answers, just a wall of silence.

Quit asking because they dont want to open the door.
All you seem to do is force you way into places you aren't wanted.

Don't ask or you might realise the truth.
The truth that you are really not that important. You might want to live a lie for this round.

Dont ask questions to answers you already know.
It is really annoying pointing out the obvious.

Don't ask don't tell, and just walk away. 
Treat life like a job application, if you are needed you shall be called....

Monday, August 29, 2011

another monday post

It has been a busy day. I meant to put this up earlier, but got carried away with trying to minimise the cost of procrastination... so many things are left pending

My foul mood finally lifted. thanks to two things.
1. I figured out what it was that was making me angry... turns out I wasn't angry, just disappointed. I felt let down by 2 people who are really close to me and it hurt. It wasn't really their fault, but I carried this burden with me all weekend especially Sunday.
2. I decided to try make B's day better... from her voice, it sounded like the weekend really took a toll on her and this morning I figure things only got worse... that actually put a smile on my face if only for a few seconds.

In the next few days, My life is going to take a huge turn. With moving house (Highly possible) New school and biggest one is that I could be jobless. It's a really tense time for me. That and other decisions that I have been pushing aside that affect the money in my pocket, the time I spend with people and..... It all seems too much, that I have almost let things form themselves as they will.
Of course I know that this is not a strategy, but what do you do when nothing is going your way and you are at the point of frustration that you almost want to shed tears?

Finally I have noticed that I tend to give more attention to other people's things and not mine. And these are people who are not that significant to me. With the exception of My family, B, slim and Kitten, I really should be running around trying to heal the world. But still I do... I can't walk away from people who ask for my help. If I do I stop being me and become some other creature I used to be.

angry monday

Monday morning. I am back to the office (not that I expected anything else) and for some reason, I am not feeling this environment at all.
One of my workmates is a chic with a voice like a child that's irritating me. Not the voice itself, but her!!
It irks me when people are not serious with their work when you are trying to teach them something. And to make it worse, she's busy dodging duties and brushing it off with some funny charm WHICH IS NOT CHARMING!!! It would help if you actually delivered results to some level of consistency before you start acting like a seasoned employee.
So dear little tweety bird!! Yes tweety bird!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

some hope...

I have been in a foul mood for the past three days; barring some moments where I had to interact with some people, where I did an amazing job of convincing them that the sun shines in my life.
I have not bothered to hide my true feelings to some. And it is written all over my face.
The reason for this is linked to 2 different incidents that occurred on Thursday: one in the morning, the other in the evening.

Anyway the summary of it is that I am back to sleeping on the sofa as a means of "punishing" myself for who I am... When you hear voices laughing at you in the middle of the night and nobody's around you need a change.

I have been fighting with my demons for over a year now. And until this morning, I was all but ready to accept that some things are a part of me. I was about to concede defeat.

Then by some strange twist I found myself in a church I do not go to. I sat in the pew looking around at the congregation and the preacher who was very excited and passionate about his message. I began to tell myself that I was a guest there rather than a member. Then, as if on cue, for the few moments that I was paying attention, the preacher said something that struck me.

In John 3:16 the bible says "for God so loved the world...." Not that the world did anything to warrant/deserve that love. He just simply loved... And I am part of the people that God loves. And my B, who was on my mind that very moment was loved as well. I left the service a few minutes later, but carried those words with me... I am loved and I did not have to do anything to get that love other than to simply exist.

How can I show such love to those that I care about?

Friday, August 26, 2011

a point of fear

I am at a point of fear. Fear of a loss that has not happened, but I keep being told will happen.
I am a person who rarely commits to people; be it friendships or relationships, but when I do, I go in deep. And right now I am deeper than I have ever been and I am not even in an actual relationship.
I am filled with fear. I fear that the amazing time I have spent over the last few months with my B will all come crashing down and leave my heart bleeding and my soul in tears. And if that happens I fear I shall never heal. I know that I shall never give my heart to another because there will be nothing to give. I have very little to give and I have given my everything to this. If there's anything left, I don't know. If it fails I shall be a left soul-less being wandering along the paths of life.
But I cannot allow myself to think negatively about losing my B. I am not going to let go without a fight. No matter what words come out of her mouth. However in the spirit of being honest with myself I course there is an exception to this. There are some specific words that if they came out of her words would bring this happiness that's surpassed all others to a halt. This is especially if I believe that these specific words come from her heart.
I do want to fight for her. I well and truly believe that she is the one (And this coming from a guy who does not believe in soul mates.). She is the one I would like to spend the rest of my life showing how much she means to me; because showing her that would take a lifetime.
I know this is rather morbid, It isn't the best way to return after a hiatus from the blog, but these are the sounds in my heart and the voices in my head.
I love my B and am willing to fight for us provided she does not say those words from her heart.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

a special occassion

This is part of the surprise...

I haven't posted in a while for various reasons, but none are good enough. This post is dedicated to my no. 1 fan. The one who has read my blog more than any one else...

Who you are.....

You are the holder of the most powerful smiley jutsu in the world!! (I'm sure it'd smite some ninja who covers his mouth any day)
You are the  strongest person in the world, by surviving all you have and still smiling... even if only on the outside sometimes.
You who want to brings nothing but happiness those of us around you


All you've done for me..... I am thankful each day for you.
You who give and give and give, yet never wants to receive nor expect anything back from me
You who know me more than any one else in the world and read me like a book.
You who tell me every other day that you fear hurting me... don't worry about that. You make me smile.
You who comes to me in my dreams and chases the nightmares away... especially last week (I owe you!!)
And after all that you put me on punishment for a whole month+ Why B? Why?

How you make me feel......
You are my Muse... the reason I started writing again; the reason I write this now.
You are the one who drives me crazy, and deeply and madly in love
You are the one who lights up my days when I am blue... who always makes my day's that much better

And from me to you.....
You are the one who wouldn't give up on me even when I did, and it would have been easier to walk away guilt free.... you you you!
You're the one I would give almost everything for... ALMOST... because I wouldn't give you away. At least not until I have sold a few limbs ;-)
You're the one I never got over, who never left my mind...it is you I hold dear to my heart. I love you!!

B, I know I have written sweeter and longer and better words to you...but honestly, tonight, words fail me, I simply cannot be able to express not only how much you mean to me, but also how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING you are and you haven't even discovered it all yet.

Too much? Never...not for my B!!
Finally, let me finish with this song from the heart

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

happy birthday B

Monday, August 08, 2011

5 Ways To Know You're Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks

5 Ways To Know You're Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks

I know someone....hahahaha!!!

why I have no syke

I don't know. I havent botherd to find out. somehow the allure of life has faded like the light in the evening. Colours seem to be less bright. I see more of the greys than the oranges and reds; or could it be my eyes?
Maybe its the continuous hours I spend at work. and while they have taken a huge toll on my body, I am distracted from other things going on (or not going on) around me and sometimes especially this time; that is a good thing. I have less time to think about the shit that's swimming in my head.
B says I beat myself too hard. And maybe I do, but I am the one who truly knows what's on my mind, and I know I need to be punished for this. It's probably the reason I am suffering right now.

On another note I have cut off some things for my life. I'm bila the time. I am too tired to pursue certain things... I have very little time on my hands and I cannot afford to spend it on... (Am I a lost cause? No. Not yet)
When I was younger I had an idea of wher I would be by this age... Lets just say, somewhere along the line I got screwed (I wish it was literally) but I'm not there. I guess I was too young or arrogant to forsee myself falling in certain areas in my life.
It reminds me of a comment a pal of mine made the other day. Dude, you're disturbed! When I asked them what they meant, they said "You've always been disturbed since I knew you Xys ago" They said this in jest, but they could not be closer to the truth...

Yeah this was a pretty morbid post... but who gives a fuck!!! Nobody's even reading this anyway

up and down.

Yeah it's one of those mornings. I do not particularly want to do anything, but as an employee I must turn up and work. It seems to me that my weekend has just followed me into Monday. Both the good and bad.

Saturday = the bad. I had a headache all of Saturday and didn't leave home because of it, the bloody thing seems to have found new life this morning, although with less strength. It's the pain in my eyes that is proving to be a challenge.
Sunday = the good. My sis took me out for burgers. a welcome delight given my low spirits. I then got home and watched a movie. This morning my boss commended me on a job well done... the boost I needed not to give him my resignation letter.

All in all I am greatful to be alive.

I know I have ignored the blog. A lot has changed causing me to ignore it. In part it is intentional in other part it is the effects of recent changes....  I care a bit less

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

the things we do

Let me begin by saying that I am not successful in relationships. My dismal record speaks for itself.
However, my failure has taught me a thing or two... and after all I am a man
I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day and he mentioned to me how he was putting a lot of effort into wooing a particular lady. We sat and shared stories of the silly things we did in the name of love; and they are crazy. From regularly crossing the country to flying a lady out of the country just to be together for a weekend. Yes when a man truly loves you he will do anything in his power to keep you by his side. He will miss work, take you out, pick you from work, and even juggle his calendar 20 times a day just to catch a moment with you.
So, ladies if your man isn't doing any of this things, it might be time to ask yourself a few questions.
However, please note that every man is different. For some, walking by your side is a big deal, because usually they'd walk half a step ahead of you. To others, carrying your handbag is a sure sign. At the end of the day, know your man and these things will become obvious to you.
I shall be letting out more secrets in due course.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

the laggard

If this weekend was to have a theme behind it, I think the theme would be called laggard. I being the laggard.
I happened to bump into a group of old friends on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And as is usual of people one hasn't seen in a while the question of "what's new?"seemed to come up quite often.
Unfortunately my answers were always based on future hopes and dreams not on anything that's current or ongoing. hoping to get a new job, house, school maybe...
Meanwhile, on the other side; some were in new relationships, marriages, kids, new jobs, houses, cars e.t.c. Fuck!!
I sat there, smiled and pretended it was all good, but truth be told I wanted to bolt out of there as soon as people seemed to parade how good life was going for them...
I do not take for granted that God has given me family, friends and health, but I cant help but compare myself to my peers, especially when they all seem to be moving at 100Km/hr and I'm stuck doing 50Km/hr, knowing that we were once at par. It's not good for me
It hasn't been a good weekend for many reasons, but I still thank God for the little that I have. I don't want to be unappreciative.
And God I know I am a sinner, but I seem to be forgotten... Please don't forget me.

Friday, July 29, 2011

lies to protect

We are all liars every single one of us. and the funny thing is that the people we tend to lie to the most are those that we care about. Those that we do not want to disappoint. but somehow we still end up doing it.
when I think of my own life and the way I have lied to many people, more often than not it is to save face and nothing more.  Some of the things that I have lied about are;

  • what I actually think of someone's efforts to please me, 
  • how well I am doing to have people at ease and not be bothered with my problems
  • my actual opinion on things that I do not consider to be important to me


Why do I do this? Why am I more honest with strangers than with those that I hold dear? Don't they, who are close to me, deserve to know the truth at least more than the random people in my life who may know a certain dark secret?
I think it's time to come clean. I have already began that, but I need to go further. I'm not opening up my life to the world. Of course there are things that I shall not reveal, because those closest will turn all emotional and show sympathy and pity. However, for the few (two) who I am "comfortable" (I'm not really comfortable, but I think it's better they know than don't) sharing my life with, I believe they deserve to know the truth; whether it brings tears to their eyes or pain in their hearts. If they do not want to hear any more then they shall tell me. Let that be their decision. But I am tired of wearing a mask in front of people I love. What's the point?

A friend of mine once opened up her life to all of us. She revealed EVERYTHING!! calling it no more masks... I want that courage. To be able to walk tall and be proud of who I am.

And yes this post has been inspired by recent events... but it is my own thing

Thursday, July 28, 2011

say what you need to say

I begin this post with alot that I want to say but I do not even know where to start.
Ever been in one of those situations where you know you can speak non stop for the next few hours on various things, but you cannot start? Well, that's me.
This blog is my outlet, the place where I try to be myself even when I am not. It's the place that I pour out  my happiness, joy, fear and all other emotions that seem to be taking me. I sound like a woman. Fuck!!

Today it's fear. I fear that I shall eventually end up alone in this world. I know I go on and on in this blog about relationships and all; and some of you know of my complicated relationship with B. This isn't about that. It is about how sometimes I feel like my life is one big game of musical chairs and I might the unlucky kid who slips and fall just as the music fades and gets kicked out at the first round. Nobody exceptional or outstanding that people will hold a thought for once the next round begins. The one who spends more time observing proceedings than taking part in them. Like somehow everyone is meant to fit somewhere and my place was as the audience.
Well Fuck this audience business. I'm leaving. going to create my own game by my own rules. just like when I was a kid...
And I'm not writing this for your fucking sympathy (yes I have began to curse again), I don't want to be pitied and seen as someone's charity case. There are plenty of kids the world over that you can go hug and immediately feel nice about yourself. I'm just writing to myself; in a way I am thinking aloud. B tells me that I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all this is just an imagination and tomorrow I shall wake up and realise that this was all just a dream.

P.S. So many questions went unasked today... it's fear that grips me at times that I forget who's most important to me.

Monday, July 25, 2011

my house...

...and the memories therein

The sitting room: where I entertain myself reading writing blogging (only really entertained visitors thrice in 2 years)... and of late a place of rest sleep.
My bedroom: a place I sleep. although of late it's more of a changing room, and store for my clothes
The toilet: A happy place. The one place I always walk out feeling better than when I walked in (somehow farts don't smell as bad in there)
Bathroom: where I go when I wanna get wet. Where I wash off all the crap of the day.
Porch and lawn: Figments of my imagination.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

a random trip

I have been looking for a break form the normalcy of my life and today I got it.
I took a trip out of town with some friends. I just called up slim and he mentioned he was headed out of town to visit a friend. so I accompanied him. It was an interesting trip. I got to see places that I have only heard of. Ate some giant sized chapatis and make anew friend.
Later, this evening, when I got to town, I decided to check up on a pal of mine who I haven't seen in ages. It was cool hanging out outside their gate for like an hour or too catching up on where life has taken us over the past decade or so. Now I am home and hoping to fall asleep soon.
I haven't slept in my bed in over 4 days. not a good thing especially for my posture.
Tomorrow I may go to watch Harry Potter with my B... It's a long shot, but either way, Harry Potter or not, I just want to look into her eyes and all will be well.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

why bother?

I asked myself that question many times over the period of my long life.
There are many times when I sit down and ask myself, 'Why bother?" times when I want to give up.
Why bother to brush my shoes only to have them covered in dust 5 minutes away from the house.
Why bother putting a lot of effort into something only to have it shot down again and again? why try the second third or fourth time?
Why bother to try and live a good life, an upright life.Only to fail continuously? Why can't I just accept that I am not the good person that I try to be?
Why bother chasing after things that it seems I will only ever taste, but never have them as my own? Shouldn't I also enjoy some good? Or am I the poor man staring through the shop window? Or maybe I dwell too much on what I don't have and want rather than what I have. Maybe that's why I think I keep losing what I have... had.

Why does God allow his people to suffer? I read the story of Job, who God called his own, yet he let his entire family be wiped away? And for what? I really don't understand you God and I know I never will.
Please sort me out. I need a break.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A repeat performance? Not again

Last year can be described in one word SHIT!!
It started off brilliantly... I was on quite a high. the colours were brighter, the sun shone and I generally enjoyed life. But somewhere along the line something broke and the world turned to shit... I found myself in a dark place that I have yet to fully cut away from. I am so far from healing

This year started pretty much awesome, and I honestly thought that finally things were going to look up in my life. I still had my problems, but I had hope. Hope is a powerful weapon, but there needs to be more. Will power, but my will is weak. I cannot even stand tall.
Of late small things began to crumble small things that I did not first notice, but are becoming clearer with each passing day. Nightmares are reoccurring and some of them have turned into reality. I no longer want to sleep for fear of what dark future I might see in my dreams. I have been robbed of sleep.

Dear God, I know I have not been your good child. Far from it. I don't think a hypocrite like me should be called a child. I am much more lost than I am willing to show or admit. But I beg you, please don't let these dark waves drag me away as they once did. If they do I don't think I'll wash up on shore again.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I know

Yes I have not blogged in a while. There is plenty I want to say and scream about, but I have not had time. I do have a few drafts in the background, but I shall not be bringing them out any time soon. No matter how much you may want to bring some things out in the open, there is a time and place for everything. And while this could be the place, I know it is definitely not the time.
To sound less cryptic, there are things about me that I am not ready to show to the world yet, like my good looks (among other lies). A few people are privy to them and I intend to keep it that way before the truth comes out; as it always does.
Not that I care what the world thinks, but that I am not ready to face the stares, hear the whispers and see the pointed fingers which shall eventually shall be pointed my way.
What do you know I actually blogged something.

I shall return soon. Have a good week pips!!

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

my 200th post

Excluding a few that I may have deleted along the way this is my 200th post (I am not sure if that includes a couple of drafts)
I celebrate this milestone by means of the chorus to a simple song that God put in my heart yesterday.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your many blessings name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has  done

Below are just a few blessings that I have counted this day

  1. God - there are no words
  2. My family, who my base
  3. My B, who's God sent in so many ways
  4. My best friends, "Kitten" and "Sketch" for sticking to a not very good friend
  5. My close friends, who make life worth it
  6. Some of the people I work with, who are the only reason I still work there
  7. The life I have lived and what I have seen in it, both good and bad.

Monday, July 04, 2011

I wait

You want us to be together, but you fear that by doing that you will be making me compromise on me... maybe you don’t know me well enough.
Or maybe you feel that you don’t deserve to be loved, because of the things you may have done in the past. Maybe this is your way of punishing herself... Punishment is over. It’s time to move on.
Why don’t you want me to know you? What is this thing that you’re sure will hurt me? Don’t you believe me when I say I’ll stick to you despite all? But then again these could be the same words you’ve heard from others in the past.
Why do you fear me? Or is it the idea of us you fear? Do you fear that if you open yourself to me, I will hurt you? That I can believe.
I want you; The real you. Not this mask that you’ve put in front of me; not this shield you’ve erected around your heart. I want the person behind the mask... the fearful little girl, the amazing person I know is hiding back there.
I want my B. She who thinks she’s not worth it... Who thinks that somehow I shall regret my time with her. I have but one regret when it comes to you, and that is that I was not there when you needed me most, but I am here now and will continue to be here for the good times and the bad. Should you choose to embrace me, or reject my phone calls...
I’ve been with you and apart from you and I can tell that with you is where I want to be. You are worth my time, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.
And this is not a rallying call for you to take an action. I do not right this to prove a point or somehow make you feel guilty. I write this to send on message, one that I’ve said before, “I will wait.”
I will wait for you to come to me. You do not have to come running today, or tomorrow, or in the months to come. There is no ultimatum. My outstretched arms will not tire. My heart will always be open to you as it has been from the time I met you... Because I love you!

HD Ibrahimovic Amazing Goal - AC Milan vs Brescia 3-0 - Highlights - 05/...



So sick!!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

random post

About 4 years ago I had had it with my life. I had been rejected by two women (boo hoo). One of whom I loved very very dearly... I had few friends (still do anyway) School was terrible. I was fighting some personal demons of my own.
It was not a good place to be. Especially with everyone around me announcing one success after another... It seemed life had chosen for Murphy to be my best friend.
I had tried the whole "be positive" attitude, but nothing was working it was as if every time I tried to move forward, I'd be pushed back a couple of steps. I honestly was at my wits end and needed a fresh start. I got together some money and started to weigh my options. I was leaving the country. I did not care where I would go to, just that I could make a fresh start. I knew I'd miss that that I loved, but was not too sure that anybody would miss me.
I cannot tell you why I did not go. and I only shared this with one person. who isn't even really a close friend of mine. It was a low point in my life where I felt like an almost man. I was so beaten up by the bad things in my life that my eyes never opened to the good that was there. And I am sure that there were good things was, I just didn't see them.
It was a point where I felt like an almost man. Almost getting what you want but not really getting it. Loving someone who tells you that they don't really see you that way, but that you were a good guy and would make some girl really happy (How I hate those fucking words!!! Didn't they realise that at that point it was only them...FUCK!!) Or working your ass off and missing the out on the rewards for one stupid reason or another. Failing exams and having to repeat them in secret on my mum's birthday. And she's calling you, but.... I deviate
For many years I did not understand why I had to go through such a rough patch. But since then, always in the months of June-July, things in life have tended to go South. However, I am a bit wiser. If for nothing else, wise enough to realise that this is the time of year for the world to give me shit.
So come one come all. Call me names, break my heart, steal my money, hurt my feelings, sack me, make my life a living hell. I am not ready. I just want it over with!!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

who is this girl?

Who is this  girl that's been on my mind all day? This girl who I can't seem to stop thinking about? The one I do not want to stop thinking about...
Who is this that I know so little off, but who knows me so well? And why do I find myself constantly drawn to her side?
Who is this amazing person who sacrifices time and money to take me on errands that have little to do with her? 
Who is it that pushes aside her problems and shoulders mine like they were hers?
Who constantly toys with my mind and laughs her head off at my utter confusion?
Who is this girl that makes me want to give her the world? Even though she has not asked me or thinks that she deserves it?
Who is this that makes me want to be a better man? Who is good for my health; physically, mentally and emotionally.
Who is this girl that I am so in love with, that when I'm apart from her I only want to see her and when I'm with her I never want to leave her?
Who is it that I know so little off and am willing to take all that they have to offer and more? Much more than they think I can.
Who do I want to share my life with, have a family with and make the happiest person in the world?

Who is my B?
Wouldn't you like to know.... so would I

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

a walk down memory lane

I was going through the process of filling in school admission forms the other day when I came across a file that carries my academic records all the way back to my first Nursery school report form.
I absolutely loved the comments my teachers put in my report card back then. "He can count up to 20" " He is active in class" "He is a promising student" "His skills are forming" Back then, the comments put on the paper, which I could not read or comprehend. Raised me and encouraged me. Even where I was not doing well, they teachers chose to see the glass as half full. What blissful days... I pray to give that gift to my B someday!! that she can sit back and think..."what blissful days with this man!"

A prayer
Dear Lord. Tonight I pray for my B's mum. I pray that your healing hand will touch her and raise her from her sick bed. That tomorrow she will rise with the sun and praise your name for the wonders You continue to do in her life. I pray for your healing power to come over her body and take away this sickness as I write this words. Let not this prayer be in vain, but may you be glorified by your power.
I also pray for my B. That she will have peace knowing that you are already healing her mother. that she will go to sleep knowing that all is well with her mum.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Monday, June 27, 2011

love is not what I thought it was

Jumping straight to the point.
Like the rest of you I grew up knowing love as what I watched on TV, movies and various novels. I was a fool.
I grew up watching real love, but not knowing it. I was blinded by the system as to what real love really is. I watched my parents as they loved us and loved each other and I learnt the following things
Love is not a feeling. My aunt once asked me, "what happens between you and your girlfriend once the feelings are gone?" I could not fathom such a situation, and thought she had gone bonkers. But a while later...the feelings went, and we did what any fools in our shoes would have done. We broke up.
Love is a choice. My mother, in a fit of anger at something bad that I had done once said, I don't like you very much right now, you're lucky that I love you. I was taken aback by her words and never really understood what she meant then, because to me love was equal to like. If I didn't like you, then I didn't love you. It had never occurred to  me that while at times I genuinely did not like my parent or siblings, I still loved them. That it was something that I had chosen to do.
And this is not limited to family, but it extends to friends, and romantic relationships. My father, a wise man by any standards once sat me down and had a man talk with me. He said, "I sometimes get angered by your mother for one reason or the other, but I made a decision to love her despite it long ago. This is the best decision of my life."
He continued by saying that to love someone is not easy and the closer they get to you the more they are likely to hurt you, and they will, but you have to decide two things. One is whether you want this person close to your heart i.e. Decide if they are they worth the effort. Second, you need to decide to love them (put the effort) regardless of what they may do. If you don't you're wasting your time. Make this two decisions and you will be the happiest man.
The statements above are the reasons I do not believe in soulmates. It romanticises the whole thing and takes away the real essence of what is involved in making a relationship work out.

It's not your fault

A thought crossed my mind this evening. The world as we know it is not the best place sometimes. terrible things happen, and they happen to all of us. The problem is that sometimes we blame ourselves for the bad that happens to us.
I'm not talking about where we play with matches and get burnt, but rather where we have people who hurt us out of their own evil nature and yet we end up blaming ourselves. We tell ourselves that maybe if we were better people this would not happen. We say that we deserve what's happening because of the wrong things that we did or continue to do, but this is not true.
The truth is that if someone hurts you, it's not our fault. It is theirs. they are the one's in the wrong. Not you. Nobody deserves to be hurt or treated by shit, but most of all nobody should blame themselves for the evil done to them.
I was at this point once in my life; blaming myself for the bad things. Thinking that I deserved the pain, tears and sleepless nights that came with it. Getting to a point where I accepted that I was not in the wrong was difficult, but if I got there, then so can you.
We are all God's children and he loves us all. Yes even the bad ones. He wants what's best for us always. And knowing that, I believe that He doesn't want us to suffer. So, don't blame yourself for the bad in your life. It's not your fault.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

changing times, pressure and promises made

There is one thing that can be held constant in any man's life; it is change. Nothing remains constant and continues to exist. Even the seemingly immovable rock is eroded by the weather for change is a must.

In my life lately these signs have been becoming more and more clear as time goes on. Old things are losing the high place they once held in your life and new and exciting things taking the fore. It's a difficult time, but we cannot live in the past. We can only look backward and enjoy those memories every now and then, but we must always walk ahead and live the life given to us.

A good friend of mine and I have been drifting apart for a while. What we once had in common we no longer share. As we have grown we have seemingly chosen different paths. And while we he still remains someone to whose aid I will run to at the drop of a hat, there has been a definite shift in the ground on which our friendship is based. I pray this is for a season. As it has happened before, but I am willing to accept whatever   life is throwing at me at this time.

Other friends who I held close to me are taking several steps that the community deems signs of growing up. They're getting married and having families. At the same time beckoning me to join them. These are my peers and the pressure to conform is real, but I don't share the same enthusiasm as them when it comes to matters of the heart. Not to say that I do not want someone to love hold and cherish. I do love my B. But it's not yet my time and they need to understand that.

I recently found a message that I had sent to someone. I made certain declarations that I still hold to be truths. things I want to do, but for now can only dream of. However, inside was a promise made. A statement that came from the bottom of my heart. One that underlined the entire message. And one that I ultimately broke. And with it a persons heart. Someone who who holds words said to them to be precious and didn't deserve a broken promise.
For that I am truly sorry. I am not sorry for making the promise because I mean every word. I'm sorry that I broke it and that it took me this long to realise it. I pray they will find it in their heart to forgive me.

I have been trying to leave my job for a while now, but all attempts have hit a brick wall. I recently enjoyed a sit down from a colleague who asked me, "Are you the best that you can be where you are now? Is there anything you know you can do better? What opportunities are sitting right in front of you that you haven't decided to take up? Forget about being frustrated by your boss. Happiness is your choice. choose it!"
And to say the truth I'm not the best I know I can be, and there are things that I can do better. And moving won't change these things about me.

I have to change a lot of things in my life. Not so much make a U-turn, but make myself a better man. I have to work harder to give God and man the best that Tomas can be... and I know I can. So why haven't I? whay have I been living a mediocre life?

Monday, June 20, 2011

God's solution

I went to church today. Hurray!! It was a good time. I have not enjoyed church for a long time. Probably because I have not been in a church service for a long time. This was a welcome change.
The pastor I was speaking from the book of Romans chapter 8. I cannot tell you all of what he was talking about, but I do remember one thing he did speak about.
He spoke about suffering and strife. How as a Christian, just as any other man, there will come times where we suffer. They key thing is that He shall always send someone to be there for us in this difficult time. Always. No exception.
I think back and find this to be true in my life. I have always had someone in one way or another who helped me through a difficult time, whether they knew it or not is another matter entirely. And there were times I refused to take up the help offered, mostly by being stubborn. However, I believe that all these people were sent by God. Those who you randomly bump into that share a word of encouragement, or a random text that comes out of the blue.
I want to be like that to somebody. I want God to use me as He has used others in my life. I feel very indebted to his love...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

the turn of the tide

The waves have come and crashed on the shore, dragging it with them back to the sea,
It is washed away, into the deep sea. Maybe never to be seen again on this land...Maybe.
He still holds hope. Hope as fickle as a match light in a strong wind.

And with it's departure, his soul sinks. He droops his head low cursing the elements.
Standing there at that lonely beach. Watching helplessly as the tide turns.

The moon is full that night and the day that follows is bright and cheery
Life seems to go on as if the night before had never happened.
The laughter and screams from excited children seemingly mocking him.
Not knowing the pain he feels at his loss.

After a long laboured walk, he finally gets home.... "Home?" he asks "Is there really such a place?"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

of hospitals and illness

I have been unwell for the last few days. There is nothing I dislike more in this world than spending the entire night awake in pain that just won't go. Not that I thing there is anyone who would enjoy the experience. But I shall spare you the gory details. Those belong to the doctor.
Anyway I had not been feeling well since Last week Monday, but I hoped against all hope that things would improve. and fro a while I seemed well.
that was until Saturday when I was to attend a wedding for a friend of mine. As usual I was to turn up somewhere towards the end. I really don't enjoy all the hullabaloo. and I am yet to attend a full wedding in my life, as a guest.
Anyway while there, my stomach started complaining. It must be what a stadium track feels like during Olympics with people running all over it. I decided to ignore it and practice some mind over matter nonsense, but that's exactly what it was. Nonsense. The body is a powerful thing especially if it wants to exhale.
Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. I awoke feeling much worse and knew I had to get help. So after the most BASIC freshening up (I was dressed in a t shirt, shorts and slippers: I might as well have gone in my PJ's) I drove myself to hospital for 2 hrs. of sitting at the waiting room, watching repeats of all local comedies, so that I can see the doctor for all of 10 minutes (what a waste) and for it I got to drink the worst tasting drug in the world. I almost gave up on the cost of healing... Yuck!!
Now I  must say that I hate hospitals. I wish I never had to go to them. I view them almost the same as a banking hall, a place of last resort. I guess it's partly my stubborn nature, but such is life.
The Sunday visit turned out not to be enough and I had to go back on Tuesday...where I received less nasty tasting drugs. Turns out this visit preceded my worst night. Yes Tuesday 14 June will not quickly be forgotten. But as I promised I shall spare you the gory details.
I am recovering and almost back to full health. I thank God for his touch and the few people he sent my way to check on me. I am truly blessed!!

Onboard Nürburgring Nordschleife Porsche 997 GT3 Cup

Onboard GAZOO Racing Lexus LF-A Nürburgring Nordschleife

Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us by Dan Pink


Definitely worth a listen

Sunday, June 12, 2011

emotions

A good friend of mine was on the receiving end of a tongue lashing a while back on the relationships that he has had with the female kind. Poor man.
The Genesis of this entire story is that he had a platonic female friend as do we all at some point in life, and he was really tight with her. They'd hang out quite a bit; actually almost every other day. At some point, it was almost daily. According to him, there is nothing beyond the friendship. All they are is good friends; nothing more. But to the tongue lasher (a lady herself) at some point there was something more.
Well, it turns out (and this is was confirmed by a lady) that once a lady reaches a certain closeness with you, and sees you as the man who's shoulder she can lean on, she will begin to see you as potential boyfriend material. This is regardless of the words that come out of your mouth. Now this is not a bad thing if you as the man begin to feel the same way. But if not, there is a problem.
However, a problem develops once you get a girlfriend who doesn't happen to be the "best friend." For all intents and purposes, there's an existing emotional, and dare I say it romantic bond, between the dude and best friend. And while you, the dude, never offered her the chance to be your girlfriend, in her mind she already was. and she doesn't understand why after the closeness that the two of you have, you instead chose to pick someone else over her. You keeping her as part of your life as before is bound to bring friction between her and your girlfriend. Why? Because as you open up your life to her, you basically have three people in a relationship as opposed to two. That's a recipe for disaster.
So, we as men are advised to keep women at an arms length unless you want that romantic bond with her. Platonic friends just don't work. It appears our forefathers had something with all their conservatism.

Monday, June 06, 2011

fighting the evil within

This post is almost a one of those self help things that you come across on the internet.
I believe I have more than 2 cents to add to this topic. I have been battling an addiction now for well over a year. Only 2 other people know about it. Although I think one may have forgotten. Which is fine with me anyway.
At some point I would rarely go 2 days without indulging, especially at some point last year where it was almost a daily thing if not more. I have had countless failures trying to get free and at some point almost gave in. I almost accepted this problem as a part of me. If it wasn't for that dearest friend of mine, I would be very different. I thank God every day for sending them my way.

Anyway, I am not yet whole; I feel it in my bones. However, I am much stronger than before. I  want to share with you the things that I realised that made me stronger and have brought me to a point where I believe I am about to break free. This does not only apply to addictions, but to anything that could be holding you back from being the awesome person that you are.

First, don't battle the addiction. For a long time I told myself that I was going to beat this, and when I eventually slipped up I'd look back and wonder what went wrong. I was not fighting the cause of the addiction. I was fighting the habit. You cannot purely fight your bodies urges, you will lose. However, you can prevent/reduce what causes them to occur. Ask yourself what causes me to do this. Is it my thoughts, emotions e.t.c.?  That is what you need to be fighting.

Second, don't go it alone. It is difficult to open up to anyone, whether they love you or not. There is some guilt or shame that might come with it, but that's something you need to get past in order to get free. I was lucky to find a friend who sympathised with my cause and has kept everything that I have told them secret. But most of all, has not tolerated it when I have fallen. I have hurt them in the process of this fight, but they have still stuck by me and they've not failed to rebuke me in a loving way when I do slip up.
I believe that you are lucky as well. There is at least one person who you know you can trust. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone you deal with everyday, but it has to be someone who you know would be willing to help you. Be careful who you pick. There would be nothing as bad as being rejected by those who were once willing to help you. I've been there, I know.

Third is context. The environment you are in plays a huge part. Try not to think of it as place, but rather situation. It may be a time of day when you find yourself alone and suddenly find the urge or it could be the company you keep. Take all factors into consideration. Ask yourself, "What accelerates me to that place?" Then try your best to avoid that. Tell that a friend of yours exactly what's up.

Finally, find a replacement. Nature hates vacuums. It will always seek to fill them up. As you fight of what's bugging you try and occupy you as you fight this. Just like healing from a broken relationship if you spend time one something else that you enjoy, you wake up to realise that it is gone. The point here is to keep your mind focused on positive things rather than the problem at hand. It helps you to move away from it. So pick up something you enjoy doing, like a hobby, and do it. If possible, do it with someone as passionate about it as yourself e.g. a gym buddy, that way they can push you to it and they'd never have to know why you started all this.

I am not an expert, but I hope this helps. It is helping me.