Sunday, February 27, 2011

Life

A friend of mine recently confided in me that his relationship seems to be on the rocks. He even went as far as suggesting that it could be not see much of a future with the way things are going. The due and his chic have one of those relationships that I look up to. They seem to be so in sync with each other. It would be a pity to see them break up.

This led me to think, is it really worth it? Is all this relationship stuff worth the risk?

It was only this afternoon that I was at a function where a person that I look up to was opening up his life to us on what it is to date in a way that glorified God. Some of the things that he said were a bit obvious; others not so obvious.

A few things came out to me that I feel I should share with the world

It is important that you know exactly what kind of woman you want. If necessary write a “wish list.” If you don’t have a wants /needs, anything that comes along will be appropriate for you. And when I say list down, I mean list down EVERYTHING; from body size to character. Don’t kid yourself if looks are important to you.

Secondly, don’t settle for Ishmael when you can have Isaac. This comes from the story of Abraham in the bible. He had a son, Ishmael with his wife’s concubine, but God had told him that his son who’ll become a great nation would be a son of both him and his wife. Basically there is someone out there for you that meets all the traits that you desire and who also sees you as their perfect mate.

Third. Let the man do the chasing. Speaking as a man, there is something that is lost when a woman is persistently pursuing you. It doesn’t feel quite right. A man has a need to accomplish. And one of those accomplishments is winning your love.

Now don’t get me wrong. There is a difference between returning his affection, giving him hints that you’re interested and going for him.

Remember, the only way a man will sweep you off your feet is when you chase him. Allow yourself to be wooed. And if he never chases, he’s not worth your time. Move on!!

Finally, remember the list that I talked about earlier; in that list there are things that are negotiable and others non-negotiable. For example religious beliefs could be a non negotiable, but even though a man isn’t 6’’ and is only 5’11” that could be negotiable. Don’t dismiss someone based on non-negotiables.

That’s it...I have to go talk to the most B-eautiful woman in the world.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Signs of being whipped

Out of sight? Out of mind!!

I must be out of my mind to let her out of my sight.
But she is never out of my mind
Not for an hour not for a minute not even for a second when I am asleep
I obsess over her like a child with their new toy
Like a kid I can’t get enough of her

Like a teenage crush she makes me smile
I text her all day and call her all night
And when I go to sleep, I see her in my dreams

I can hear the sound of a cracking whip....

I want to give her the world and all it has
To show her the beauty she adds to it
To make her realise how special she is
And how much I want her the more I know her

God is my A my number 1
She’s my B, my number 2
But B isn’t merely a position she holds in my life
It’s a letter of special meaning that warms my heart

It’s what she called me when I first loved her
It’s the pure absolute Beauty of her heart
It’s the Bounty they placed on her head,
Coz it must be a crime to be so fly!!
It’s also the Booty from the back

I hear the sound of a cracking whip
I hear her voice laughing at me,
I see her smile as she cracks it again
AND see the joy as she says to me

B, YOU'RE WHIPPED OVER ME!!!



Wednesday, February 23, 2011

the state of the heart

Some one once told me that I should be taking things in moderation. This is something that I am still learning how to do. This is especially in matters of love. When I love I love completely. I do not know how to hold back.

Have you ever watched yourself make a horrible mistake? And pull back a second later wishing you'd never lived through that moment; knowing you'll always regret that moment for the rest of your life. that just happened to me. It's been a real rollercoaster of emotions from that moment since... Anger sadness shame pain confusion and most of all regret. And it's followed by the worst words you can tell yourself. I wish I didn't.


And now I can't even function. The football game has no interest to me. I can't sleep. I feel a headache coming on; and I welcome it. I deserve to suffer.

Why did I do such a stupid thing? Nobody deserves such treatment no matter how much they push your buttons. The worst bit is that it's not even my character.

And what right do I have to do that? None. I'm a nobody I hold no weight nor any sway with her i'm just an AOB item nothing more.

I have no case to argue. It was a moment of madness. But it was my madness. My act. Which i'm sorry and regret with all my heart.

If ever there was a moment to give someone doubt to your love, this is it.

And if I'm discarded to the side, I deserve it. I'll just crawl back into the hole I came from. And hopefully the pain and anger I've caused will come with me. And I can be forgotten like a passing cloud.

Dear God, Why?

I'm sorry B. I'm at your mercy.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

You are not forgotten

Have you ever gone though a situation that was so tough that you almost want to give up? This is something that you fight with every minute of every day. And with every passing moment it seems to chip you away to the point you feel that you have nothing left in you; nothing to offer the world; nothing to live for? You are in a living hell.


And all the while you put up a brave face to the world yet you are dying inside. You just want to crawl into a corner and be done with it all. You keep wondering how the world seems to keep revolving yet all you have is dark days.

I have news for you; you are not alone.

The way you struggle to put on a brave face to the world is the same way that everyone gets up puts on a mask and heads out to meet the world. Let me share with you two stories I have been told of people who went through hell:

The first is about a man. Let’s call him Jack. He had a happy family, a good home, a respected man in the society and well off materially. For years he seemed to have the Midas touch. Everything he touched turned to gold. But one day it all went south. He made a mistake in a business deal and lost a lot of money. Unfortunately bad luck had brought along his cousins and before he knew it, Jack was toxic. Nobody would touch him. His fair weather friend left him and he began to sell off his property to try and make ends meet. This was about 7 yrs ago. It reached a point that he depended on the wife’s income for everything and the only furniture he had in his house was a few simple seats and the beds that his family slept in. This was a broken man who couldn’t even take his kids for swimming. And had to borrow bus fare from his wife.

The second is about a girl named Jill. She was the first born in their family. She was a beautiful intelligent girl, from a well off family. Her problems weren’t material, but social. She kept falling in to the wrong crowd several times. With her mother having passed on while she was young, and her aunts being distant, she didn’t really have female role model in the family. Getting mixed with the wrong crowd took her into the world of sex, drugs and alcohol. She had several pregnancy scares along the way and she eventually miscarried on two different occasions. With the different fathers to be denying responsibility in both cases, leaving her to care for herself; only to reappear on hearing the news that she was no longer with child. It was painful for her to realise that sll they wanted was her body; nothing more.

The point of this is not to share sad stories that I know. And I know (and have seen) plenty of them. No it’s to give hope to those who feel that all is lost

In the first case, Jack eventually managed to restart his business and is even more successful than ever. His family struggled through a lean period, but came out stronger. Knowing which values they hold dearest.

Jill eventually got out of the wild lifestyle and is piecing her life back together again. With friends who care for the real her.

Life is a struggle for everyone. There are no exceptions. Nobody is exempt. Everyone goes through bad times in their lives. The good thing is that no matter how dark life becomes, God always sends a helping hand. Someone or a few people who are going to stick with you no matter you

God has not forgotten me. Just as I know He’s not forgotten you

Monday, February 21, 2011

Silence...Really?

The trouble I shall get into for this.....................

From time immemorial, women were considered the weaker sex. And in a hunter, gatherer economy where brute force ruled the day, they were. But somewhere along the evolution of the human race woman kind discovered that while they weren’t as strong and as aggressive as their fellow men, they possessed a gift that men didn't have. They could wield influence over the hearts of men. But not just any man; it had to be a man who cared for them. There are no exceptions, the prince and the pauper are both susceptible.

They discovered that their source of power was the heart and with a sharp mind and understanding of their man’s limits, they could go ahead and perform emotional blackmail to bend the man to their will.

Let me not beat around the bush get right to the heart of the matter. One of the tools that women use especially in the 21st Century is silent treatment. Kenyan women have especially grown adept to this system of blackmail. Let me paint a scenario:

A man is with his lover and has taken her out for a nice dinner, probably at a favourite spot of theirs and all through the night he pours out his heart (and wallet) as an expression of his love for his little flower. The night comes to a romantic end as he drops her off at home and like a perfect gentleman heads back home.
The next day he is to accompany her to a function, so he goes to pick her up expecting a bit of the romance from last night to ease into this day. But from the onset, he senses trouble. She’s uptight and tense and won’t give into his pleas to know what trouble her....he is on the receiving end of the now famous “silent treatment”

This is an experience that I have been through many a time. Where for no apparent reason, not more than a word is thrown in your direction for what feels like eons. And you do not know what you did wrong. And woe unto you if you seek the counsel of the “girlfriends”

Now the majority of men will endure a period of silence while seeking the counsel of their brethren (who will doubtlessly console them). Then they shall proceed to admit and confess to any and all wrongs perceived or done in a sort of hit/miss exercise. They shall throw themselves under the guillotine and hope their neck can somehow absorb the impact.

Now being a man, I must evaluate this in a logical sense. What does silent treatment achieve

For the lady
  • She gets to put the point across that she is not happy (words would work, but this is more powerful)
  • She gets more worked up as the man takes his time to figure out what he did wrong
  • She gets even more worked up as he confesses to sins unknown (some things are better left unsaid)
  • She gets him to realise that she wears the pants in their relationship (only by acting like a child)
For the man
  • The stress of not knowing what he did wrong.
  • Admitting hidden wrongs in the belief that they’re now known
At the end of the day it is a waste of time to both involved.

Ladies, if you want this thing to work, you must have in mind that all men are big boys. Handle them as their mother would. Tell them what their sin (whether it was of omission or commission) is, explain their punishment, silent treatment if you like. Punish. And finally reward good behaviour. Yeeee!!!

Going on a silent treatment may end up being like going on a hunger strike against a third world dictator. You harm yourself more than him.

Chievo vs AC Milan

Saturday, February 19, 2011

What is love?

This evening I heard a show in the radio. A young lady called in seeking to be hooked up with a potential lover. She claimed to be 21yrs of age. A mere child just beginning to discover adulthood... She proceeded to describe her physical self before putting forward the usual list of demands; car money tall dark and handsome etc.
Listening to the show, I was shocked. Now I’m not an ignorant person. I know people seek to get relationships through such shows, but is this what we have come to? How low are we willing to stoop for this thing called love? Is it really love, or an illusion of it? What kind of relationships can come out of such situations? Is it a wonder our society is as morally corrupt as it is now?

It is said that people living in glass houses should not throw stones and I won’t. I cannot pretend to sling mud at other as I am already filthy. I have done some crazy things in the name of love. Some of which I regret to this day, others which I quickly moved past, but all served as lessons and made me who I am today.

The kind of love that I hear people talking about only exists in the fictional world created in the minds of authors, and script writers. It is well dressed and paraded in front of all and sundry as a way to be sought. It centres around satisfying self rather than focusing on the other.

People get into relationships asking “what’s in it for me?” instead of “what’s in it for us?” it is no longer two individual in sync. It is more of I get what I want and when I’m done I move to the next person.

I have been in that stage where when it boiled down to it, I only really sought my own satisfaction, and although I cared about the other person, I came first. Towards the end of these relationships, I only hang around for what I could get. Once supply was cut off, I severed my links and moved on.

The bible in 1st Corinthians 13:4 describes love as patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t boast, it’s not proud, it’s not rude, it’s not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong, doesn’t delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth, ALWAYS protects, trusts hopes and perseveres.

Now I don’t match up to the high standards presented here, not by a country mile. But as I keep seeking to meet them, I believe I shall be better for my B, so I struggle on....

Thursday, February 17, 2011

so scared of losing you

Now I'm not an insecure man, but I am a fearful one. I fear many things. Death, torture and never amounting to anything. The one thing that I fear most today is losing you.
You're not the only one who's afraid of seeing us apart. Being with you is the greatest gift god has given me this year and the more time I spend with you the more I want you. I don't even want to imagine me without B.....
I fear that one day you'll tell me you've had enough; and will get walk away with my heart.
I won't even say more

Dear God
Please keep B and I together for always. I want to be the best man I can be for her. I want to give her the world. Give us a chance to keep our love forever.
In Jesus name. Amen

Crap, Bullshit, WTF, Nonsense!!!!

All I want to do right now is rant the day away. It hasn't been a bad morning, in fact quite the opposite I woke up feeling a bit better about myself, and that's after coming from a point of hating myself!!!
Where did this all start?

Crap
First, my team lost in the champions league on Tuesday night. That always puts me in a sour mood!!! but that's not such a problem. I'm sure the disappointment will wear off in the next few days!!

Bullshit
Its the job that I find myself in today. I was sitting with sme peers yesterday and we were talking bout jobs career etc and I just realised I need to get out of this place I find myself in. It's not a bad employer. OK that's a lie; there are 100 different things that can be improved (That's before I start talking abou the pay)

WTF
What the fuck is up with this metalic suits? Dont people realise that the more blingy it looks the worse it is. It's like having sneakers that light up as you walk. a lot of fun for kids, but not recommended for adults.
Now I am no fashion advisor, but word of advise lose the shiny suit it makes you look cheap.

Nonsense
That refers to me. I am the nonsense person in my life. still battling addicition. Fuck!!! I had kid myself that those days were long gone and well behind me, but I came to the sad realisation over that weekend, that the devil still wants a piece of me. The worst thing about slipping / falling is that I sometimes don;t even want to be forgiven. I hate myself and want to be punished..... I need redemption.

Dear God, please come through for me on this one thing!! I need to be released. I want peace I need peace. I dont want to go along life hating myself or disappointing B who loves and supports me or worst of all breaking your heart.
You have all the power and nothing is too difficult for you. Please take away the craving, the urges make me whole again. I kno wI am much improved from before, but I need this gone completely. Restore me to your side. Make me your child again.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Central police revenge!!!

This evening as I was leaving the city I noticed something peculiar at the University Way / Kijabe Street junction, a roundabout has emerged. a roundabout you ask? Yes ssee it for yourself. Can’t we get past these archaic contraptions? 
And with this roundabout the vehicles from town have been given the opportunity to make an illegal turn to join Kijabe Street and University Way in a bid to head towards another roundabout, Globe!! And all this is taking place right outside the Police station!! The police station is right across the street!!!!
COME ON!!! Are we serious?
The police in turn have facilitated this by placing a traffic official (I think their name suits them as this is what they often seem to promote in Nairobi). Not only have they created and manned this abomination called the roundabout, but they have turned the section of the newly built highway into their parking lot where persons seeking the assistance of the Kenya police can park their vehicles. The Nerve!!!!
Now I know that not all problems in Kenya can be solved overnight, but surely we cannot solve the current traffic problems by promoting systems that have been recognised as causes of traffic!!!! We need to move forward not back!!!
Or are the cops taking revenge for the houses that were demolished to create a road? Is it simply the revenge of Central police station

Love and the insecurities that come with it

In case you haven’t read any of my posts in the last 2 months, let me just confirm that I am in love.

She is the most amazing woman. I have written several posts highlighting this and yet I only seem to have scratched the surface... but that’s not what this is about today.

Today I write about me and the confusion that is going through my mind as a result of this love that I currently and happily find myself in!!

I have reached a stage where my mind is playing all sorts of tricks on me. (That’s a strange sentence)

Just the other day I started imagining that I might lose her. What prompted it? I don’t know. I just had it in my mind that she was slipping away. She had neither said nor acted in a way to suggest that, but I was in that state all the same. I guess it comes from having lost her once before and me asking myself what if? But I cannot ask such questions. This is because there are no what ifs regarding the past. There are is only what was, is and is to come; the future being dependent on the will of God and the actions that I take now. Then I begun to ask myself of I shall ever be good for her. And with my current problem, which I had believed was solved; I guess I began to doubt how much she is willing to stick with me. And I’m sorry for that B. I know you love me and will help me out. Forgive me for ever doubting you.

Then came today. I was suddenly overcome with the sense of overcrowding and suffocating her to the point that I will push her away. Unlike the previous one, this fear is very real to me. It has happened in the past. And I would not want to repeat a mistake with someone who means the world to me.

I don’t know what’s bringing all this confusion in my head. Maybe it’s a phase that will pass, but I have other suspicions. But to confirm them I need to be patient with myself and with her.

Is it easy to wait? No.

Am I willing to wait? Yes, as long as it takes.

Monday, February 14, 2011

AC Milan vs Parma

My Valentine gift?

I know I promised no grandiose acts on this day, but with all that has happened in my life over the past month or so, it is hard to do anything that’s not, because that is what you deserve.


This is my definition of love; the love that you have shown me.

You found me in a dark place. On that I had dug for myself. One that I wallowed in with self pity doubt and shame my only company. You took me in your arms despite the fact that many would hold onto ne as filthy as me; and all this while you battled your very own demons.

And even thought I made myself stumble time and again. You never discarded me or swept me to the side. You held my hand and told me the truth. That God loves me and that I should smile.

When people speak of love, this is what comes to my mind.

And this is the love that I want to show to you; every minute of every day. To be the hand that holds you, the voice that comforts you, the ear that listens even if the words remain unsaid.

And if all you want me to be is a statue in the room, then that is all I shall be, silent and still.

If all you want me to be is a punching bag too chuck your frustration on, then that is what I shall be; time and time again.

If all I ever become to you is a friend I am willing to accept that fate.

This decision hasn’t come from what you’ve done for me. And the way you have given yourself to my cause.

No!!

I was made at a seat by a poolside 75 days ago... a decision I realised I had made by the time the new year dawned on us, a decision I knew I would see through as I gazed into your eyes by that waterfall.....My decision.

I want nothing else from you apart from that which you are willing and able to offer. I make no further demands of you; just that you do not throw me away.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I want; I crave

I have a strong urge
I have a strong craving
It has been eating away at me for several days.
It's one of the most primal urges that man has
the urge to be satisfied...and I'm not talking about hunger
I'm talking about sexual satisfaction

Why did God give us such a strong craving if it was only meant to be used in a certain context?
And why does that context seem so far away?
Is the wait really worth it?
Cant I just fast forward certain events that would lead to my satisfaction?
Maybe I ask from a point of ignorance., but I ask all the same.

I know God wants me to share this with someone I love and care about
And I know B's probably going through the same struggles that I am.
And I believe that she is totally worth the wait...
...but how long can we realistically wait?

God give us the strength!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

no ordinary girl

I know a girl. (Don't we all)
to the masses she may comes off as an ordinary girl. The one who you'd pass on the street without a third thought (you'd give a second)
She suffers from a bit of lack of confidence and sometimes doesnt think much of herself. I blame that on the battle scars she has from the life she's been fighting to live; not chasing any wild dreams, simply fighing to stay alive and be a normal person.

But there is something special in this girl. a fire that no man can put out. One that God has placed in her. And though it's flame is weak, it burns still. hoping praying waiting on his good will. It is a beauty that she has within. An amazing gift from God that she has always had. And I'm not talking about her physical beauty, which is literally overflowing...No it is her spirit. That which is within her

She has the capacity to love and care.
Even when it's hard to do so; even when logically one wouldnt do so; she still does.
She gives and gives and gives.
And when you think there's nothing more to give she gives more.
She has a very special purpose in this life.
She is the cement that has held her family together through good and bad times. no wonder they lean on her for everything.
I know she will make an amazing wife one day and an even more awesome mother to her children, who will all look like her...beautiful!!!

God has used her to bless so many people, me being top of the list. She is my best friend; the one who truly knows me.

And she cares for me. Thank you B for this great gift that you've given me.
For sticking with me through tough times and seeing me through. Thank you for being God's angel.
And although you're going through a tough period now, remember that God is there for you. and that I am there for you.
You are truly the most amazing woman in the world. And I wouldnt have you any other way

You're no ordinary girl

Monday, February 07, 2011

writing at 1 am

When I am disturbed I rarely sleep well. I always find it relaxing to write music isn't as effective as it used to be. So I write

Who knows what the future holds?
A man goes to sleep in heaven and awakes in hell

The sun rises and sets on all men
And with it brings different fortune and hope for each
I wonder what it holds for me today
Pain? Sadness? Anger? Shame?
Or does it bring with it Joy? Happiness? Peace? Pride?

The heart is a powerful thing and the emotions it carries sometimes far surpass our logic. This is especially so when you give you all to something or someone, that the signs of trouble can bring your house of cards tumbling down. So is the way of the fragile heart............

It is at times like this. an instant such as the one past that God puts a word in your heart. and today He speaks to me rom the Psalm 43:5

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Friday, February 04, 2011

Did I ever tell you?


Did I ever tell you....
...that I am completely intoxicated by your smell?
...that you have the most beautiful smile in the world?
...that you are the only one whose hand I hold on to as I cross the street?
...that your eyes capture my soul every time you look into mine me?
...that I have to close my eyes and that I still get butterflies every time you kiss me?
...that I'd do anything to keep us together?

 
Well in case I haven't told you all this, let me tell you something even more important
...that the thing I fear most is losing you
...that you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with
...that I care for you above all others
...that I love you with all my heart

 
Did I ever tell you that I wrote this poem for you?

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Kiss My Black Ass

I hate people who set up programs push you to make sure that you are ready at your alloted time. Then, when it comes to the actual thing, the let the bloody program overrun and then start shoving you around in their distorted life of an event.

This happened to me. I was to do a session in the morning, but one of the speakers was long winded and overrun by a whole bloody hour. What The Hell???? Are they mad? 1 bloody hour!!!!!

So now the next two people are interrupted me being one of them. I am then moved to the evening shift and the person before me overuns by half an hour.

Seriously get a grip!!!!

So this is what I'm doing....they can KISS MY BLACK ASS!!!!!!!

I'm outta here