Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Charlie Chaplin vs. Inception

that annoying little habit I have

Yes it is annoying, but I wouldn't call it little.
I have a tendency. Whenever a someone close to me is going through a difficult time (or I assume that they are) I tend to get in their face pestering them about this and that. Wanting to know what's up and how I can help.
I know it's an annoying habit, I usually realise that I am a bother or annoying after I pull back and take a look at how I can actually help. They may realise that I mean well, but I may not be helping the situation and can become an irritation the same time.
I realise that sometimes all a person needs is for you to be there. That's all, they may not want to talk or share or open up; they may simply want to know that you are there should they need you.
I know that because it is the same with me. I hold off from talking about my problems and deal with them myself. Often not telling anyone what's up. And if someone should notice that something isn't right, I'll often brush it off as a headache or something minor. The problem is I forget that it's the same for others.
I can easily sit back and say that nobody's perfect, but I need to learn. For the sake of my friends!!

Monday, May 30, 2011

old monk

this is a story of a boy and a bottle of alcohol

My first taste of alcohol was a sachet of a very bitter brew known as Safari Cane. I was in high school and I needed to impress the boys. Prove to them that I was no woos. I really didn't drink much back then I was more of a show and tell person. Instead my favourite past times were playing truant and meeting girls.
I loved all girls. I would not discriminate. That is until I was used... Then I realised what the game was all about. However that is the story for another day.

So, back to the alcohol. I sort of laid off when I finished high school. Doing the occasional afternoon in Westlands... Remember a place called M2? Bandari plaza. Back then we used to buy shots of Kenya Cane at 20 bob. That was the first place... I digress

Anyway, fast forward to campus. It was either our first or 2nd week there. I can't quite remember which. It was a Friday; and like all Friday's in first year there was a party. I was busy mingling with people. Making a lot of noise and generally having some fun. Then, the famous bottle turned up.

There was a bit too much alcohol that night, and some two crazy pals of mine had had more than their fill. So, one of them walked  up to me and handed me a bottle saying "This is the Shit!! This is the Shit!!"
I quickly took a swig feeling the usual burning sensation at the back of my throat. In a few minutes I was singing merrily along and having a lot of fun. In a few hours I could remember nothing... (or I'm not telling)

Thank God I woke up in my bed. For that was one crazy night. I awoke to find blood on the floor of the corridor. Lots of blood; like someone had died. There were a few girls doing the walk of shame. And the worst bit is that my drinking buddy and I had to be in class at 9 that Saturday Morning all the way across town.

That was when I swore never again, until I found myself howling like a wolf one night, drunk in the middle of a lecture (at noon) another, and in a compromising situation with a girl I barely spoke to another night. But those are tales for another day!!

smiley face

"Always look on the bright side of life...."
Anyone remember that jingle. As a child I loved it. I used to whistle along to the tune... looking at the bright side of life. but then I grew up. I discovered what was once possible was now impossible. I got beat down, injured insulted, scarred just like everyone else. My childhood spirit gave in to the downside of life and that was that.

A look at my blog would make one think that I am a generally gloomy person. And sometimes I am. I let myself be. The problem is that I am an empathic character. I always put myself in  the shoes of my family members and those close to me. Often I do this when they're going through a rough patch, because that is when they need me the most. However, I'm also there for the sunny days... when I choose to see them.

Anyway, I have been through quite a bad week in some accounts. beating myself up for the shortcomings I have, and the inadequate person I feel I have been to those closest to me. Both those who know and those that I leave guessing.

However, today is a new day. The sun will shine (even if it rains) and I shall have that one thing that I miss most about my childhood...
my smiley face

Sunday, May 29, 2011

a visit to the past

"I no longer love you.... I don't know why. But I no longer do"
Those were some of the most painful words that I had ever been told. It wasn't the "I no longer love you" part that pierced my heart, no. That was not as bad as not knowing what I had done to deserve it. How it suddenly came from the blue. And how the fuck she new she did not love me, but still did not know why.

It was that pain marked the beginning of the darkest period in my life. Months of being alone in a crowd. Not caring for people or humanity in general. Regretting 100 different things. Hating her and the power she had over me. That if she called me I back. I'd forgive, forget and return... Pathetic!!

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I've only ever told one person what went through my mind through those dark months; the cloud I lived under, the things that came with it and how my heart changed... How hard it was been to put it in the hands of another and trust them not to do the same.

I guess still hurt from it a bit, but that is life. Every now and then we visit a dark memory. Maybe to remind ourselves how strong we've  become since. Or maybe to remind ourselves of the shadows we are fleeing.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

a prayer for a sick mother

This is a prayer to a very special mother out there who currently isn't feeling too well

Dear Lord
I pray for this mother. That you will raise her from her sick bed. Release her from these chains of  sickness that the devil tries to bind her with. Make her whole again and give her back the strength of her body that she will continue to serve you.
Touch her body, just that single touch that brought sight to the blind, made the lame walk and the lepers run. That is all I ask of you tonight.
Let this sickness not reoccur. Let her not need to take any more medicine or have to live on a special diet. For nothing in this world is too difficult for you.
Let no impurity of mine hinder this prayer from reaching you, but look past me and to the one who needs your help. I thank you for hearing me out. I have no more to request of you... I only pray that you make haste in restoring her back to full health.
In Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen

never alone again

I never want to see you cry again... I never want to see you hurt... I never want you to go through this alone again.
Once was bad. Twice was worse and the third time absolutely killed me inside.
Three; that is the number of times that I have seen you cry.
Three, the same number of times you cried without shedding a tear.
Three; the number of times my heart has been torn from my chest and bled for you.

When you cry my world ends. everything becomes dull, My heart cant help but pour out to you. All I want to do is hold you in my arms and never let you go.
Hold you as your heart heaves in your chest. Hold you till the sobs fade away. Hold you until you've cried your last.

But every time you cry you run away. Never wanting me to see those tears not wanting me to see you in a vulnerable state. I get that you are not ready and I'll allow you that. I get that you do not want to be seen as helpless and weak even though that's how you are at times; like a little girl facing a big bad wolf. Reaching out for a hand to hold her a hand that's seemingly not there.

If you'll allow me one day I can be that hand. I'll ask no questions hold no judgements. I'll be the warrior shielding this little girl from black terror. The knight in shining armour that she so often wants, rarely gets and thoroughly deserves.

However, I shall not force the door open. I shall sit patiently outside until you are ready to let me in. 1, 2 3 years even a decade from now... I'll wait with my arms ever open for that time when you are able and ready to let me in.
Till then you owe no obligations to me. I'm just doing for you what every girl deserves... what's been owed to you by this world for too bloody long!

Friday, May 27, 2011

a true friend

I am a freak!! I say this without any remorse or guilt because I find that to be true of my life. The thing is all of us pretend for one reason or another that we are better in public than we actually are. And why wouldn't we? Our peers would judge us if they knew the real us. Where am I going with this you ask. Wasn't I talking about friendship?
Not so long ago, I decided to reveal to a close friend, a bit of my hidden nature and boy were they surprised. I was a bit taken aback by their reaction, I honestly thought that they knew me better than that. I guess they probably thought that I was all talk and no action.
Since that day, they have had a quiet apprehension about me. But bless them for not judging me. not once did I feel the cold stare of judgement  from them.
These are the kind of friends one dreams of and rarely finds. Those that accept you for who you are and take all the shit you dish out at them. I am the luckiest man to have one such friend. I pray that I will be like that to someone one day. That I can accept them for all that they are; taking the good, the bad, and the ugly and embracing them like they mean the world to me. Because if I can manage take it all in, then they do really mean the world to me.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

decisions decisions

This evening I find myself at crossroads. I have to choose a path to walk.
I am currently weighing some serious matters in my life. Things so serious that they could change the course of my entire existence. Doubtless, whichever route I take someone close to me is bound to get hurt by my actions. It's the classic being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I need for God to make a miracle happen. I do not want to have to make this choice. But in a way I feel that he is the one pushing me towards it.
Can't I just do a test? Answer a few questions and then move along? Why does everything have to be so practical with him? Why push me into a tough place?

Definition of life: Not fair
Now listening to Adam Lambert - Whatya Want From Me?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

looking for a way out

To say that the last few weeks have been the worst in my life would be an overstatement, but they definitely don't come off as the best weeks of my life. I tend to find some comfort in this blog. Maybe writing is therapeutic; I don't know.

I have been having the biggest battle  of the mind and it I have began to see just how much of a toll it has taken... last night was a climax of sorts. I lacked sleep fro more or less the entire night. Finally getting some sleep put of sheer exhaustion at 7 am. Who does that?
Well, it is said that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'd like to see that strength. I need to find a way out of this problem. I am taking a break from certain things that I love doing and I pray that God will see this sacrifice and come through.

Somewhere in my thoughts I wandered upon the question of how I can  help a friend of mine. Let me paint the picture. I have a friend who's in hell right now. And is basically going through a lot of shit, but because of past scars, they want to fight this fight alone. This is quite literally one of the most important people in my life and I feel so helpless watching them go through this alone.
I want to do more, but right now all that is required of me is to just be there not to do anything. I know people need their time and space, and that I am willing to give, but is it enough for me to just be there? I feel so useless just sitting by the side and watching. I want to do more, but all I can think of is praying and checking up on them.

Dear God, this friend of mine needs you more than I do. I know that you are never late, but please hasten your steps. someone is dying here. If need be whatever time you want to take on my case, pass it on to them. Let them cut the line in front of me and take my place. Let their cry for help precede others. yank them out of this bad place.

to hold my silence or not to? that is the question

Yes. it is 3 am and I am not asleep. That is a story for another day...

I was wondering about silence. How we often keep quiet about something in our lives in a bid to protect the ones we love. Of course it is usually something bad. Either something we have done in the past or continue to do something that we feel that they would understand; or if they don't at least not judge us on our actions because they know where we are coming from.

Often we would actually want them to know what's going on with us, but we are tied by either guilt, shame, or fear, and we end up carrying lots of pain with us. We don not want to tell because we fear that this things will be held against us. We'd rather have it to ourselves!! And we do this for years!!

The surprising thing is that, when we do open up  and let someone know some of what we have been hiding, in a strange way, we end up freeing ourselves. We feel comforted and relieved that someone has heard us out... But still we fear.

Well I have decided that fear is not going to hold me back like it has in the past. I want to live my life as an open book. Even if it is to one person who knows the crap that's going on with me. I have hidden certain things about myself because they paint me as the lesser person I see myself to be but I want to look at a my friend and say, "Yes, she knows me. I cannot hide from her. I don't want to any more" It is freaking hard, but I'll need to do it in baby steps. I need to learn how to trust wholly. One day at a time; one secret at a season...

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and say I do not want this, but having written it down I can say I once had the intention...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

moods?

I don't have moods. I never do. I am not saying I am never happy or sad or angry, I just don't have moods in the Kenyan sense. I try and bury whatever emotions that might be going on in my body and deal with people at face value... Well, someone once  told to never say never otherwise the thing will come to pass. I am having moods

I was having a good day. A project I was working on was coming to an end and that's always good news to wake up to. That I did not have to go to the office was just a plus for me. But mostly I got to see my B over lunch time. It has been forever since I looked into her eyes and I miss her, but times being what they are I cannot see her as often as I would wish. I do miss her terribly. I digress...

So I was having a brilliant day and it all came crashing down. you know that feeling you get when you were high and then suddenly the buzz is gone. Or when the effects of a redbull fade away just like that? That's what happened.... I was slowly moving along traffic, listening to nothing in particular on the radio. My mind was occupied with something that I'd rather not share now. Then suddenly, out of nowhere... BOOM!! I was overwhelmed by this wave of sadness and it wouldn't go away... I tried a pick me up but that didn't quite work... It has subsided somewhat, but I am still not alright.

I don't know what's up, but I can feel in my bones that something is very very wrong. Dear God. Please show me what to do.

the rules of negotiation (B and Tomas edition)

Rules! We need them! I am not been a stickler for rules neither am the most orderly person, but I do appreciate that without some form of order, the world without rules to guide it would plunge into chaos.
Even God almighty saw it fit to provide us with rules to live by. In the end they make life much easier and better.

One place in which rules are needed is between a man and a woman. I believe a relationship is a series of arguments, fights, agreements, and compromises. Basically a lot of negotiation takes place. That is why I ha WE have decided to come up with what I call the rules of negotiation-B and Tomas edition. to help smooth over the rough edges of any relationship.
(Yes she agrees to me putting this up...we negotiated about it)

Rule no. 1 For heavy negotiations to take place, they must be preceded by a meal. A five star restaurant is not necessary, but it must be something filling to the stomach. There is nothing as bad as having to negotiate on an empty stomach.

Rule no. 2 A venue must be chosen by the proposer (Mostly me) and agreed consented by the other party (B) No surprise attacks in public. Or taking advantage of a situation where the other person is at a locational disadvantage e.g. parents homes

Rule no. 3 A win win situation must be sought... this is because I am personally not very entertained by victory dances I cannot participate in (we now know who came up with that one)

Rule no. 4 All negotiations must end in the night and no case or arguments can spill over to the next session. if you got something to get out of your system, spill it. No carry forwards or Rollovers (of course this is still in contention by you know who)

Rule no. 5 Things agreed upon under duress count... This is an open thing. if you feel under duress then say it rather than bending over backwards and moaning about it later. All is fair in love and war and there's is so much love here hee hee!!

Rule no. 6 Get personal.... about yourself. After all, you want this person to know you inside out. Why wouldn't you open up. Expose the "below the belt" issues and encourage the other party to do so before they get hit with friendly fire.

Rule no. 7 Take your time. Don't be hasty or rush stuff... you don't want someone waking up with scars the next day

Rule no. 8 You can play dirty i.e. If there is a loop hole use it. If you don't it shall be used against you....hahaha!!! Of course this is all in a friendly way. do not hurt the other.


Of course this is not comprehensive, that is why we have the last rule...

Final Golden Rule All rules above are up for amendment at any time pending.....you guessed it NEGOTIATION!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

going over the budget...

At the beginning of this month I began an exercise to write down every little thing that I spent money on. This evening as I was going over it, I took a look at a pivot table that I have to know exactly where my money is going and came to a surprising realisation. It wasn't entertainment. I had expected it to be so, but alas my greatest cost was...... (drum roll please) miscellaneous expenses. Those little things that you cannot really plan for that you end up spending money on. for a friend's wedding gift, some charity event, medicine e.t.c.
I need to really take those items into account the next time I am budgeting; which will actually be in 8 days time.

On the other note. Entertainment was ridiculously low!!! That means I have not been giving my B what she deserves. Not that I quantify it in terms of how much money I spend on her, never that would be simplistic, but there are times I just want to spoil her rotten and I feel that now more than before. Plus I know there are outings I owe her. Well, I finish my exam stuff this week and hers end in June.... after that I give her the mind blowing trip I had promised, but never delivered. There it is. a written statement. I shall have to abide.

Real Steel Trailer 3 (2011) HD


This could actually be worth it!!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

my heart still yearns

It's been a while since I put up a lovey dovey post
some might even question whether I am still in love or that maybe that burning fire has faded. well the truth is it hasn't. It still burns as strong as ever.

This is a grown up sort of love that I am in. It's not only about the bells and whistles. It's about balance and doing the right thing at the right time. In a way providing balance.
Sometimes I am a soft as a sponge. I can write 10 sonnets in a day or drop lines from here to her house. I can be a playful kitten or the soft teddy bear that she loves to cuddle
Other times I am a stubborn man insisting on things being done in a certain way. Pushing for a certain agenda because I know it is the right thing to do.
Yet I can also be the roaring lioness protecting her young. Loving my B on one side, while being a killer to any threat on the other.
On occasions I am a tall oak. Strong silent there. Because there are times that my words can do no good and all that is needed is my presence.
At times I am called to be the wind to be there while not being there. To give her space to grow within her self and the freedom to breathe.
I can also be the clown, my intent being to make her laugh until she cries. Or to be the seducer... to show her how much I need her in a certain way.
There are many roles I take and many hats I wear. but underneath I still have the same heart, and my heart still yearns!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

secrets....

This morning I was listening to the usual radio garbage that is blared out of many matatus in the city. The topic for the day was asking whether women feel guilty about having illegitimate children that their husbands do not know about? Majority of callers were female and they all seemed to have one or two of their kids fathered by some other man/boyfriend. Crap!!!
I couldnt help to reflect and think about the many ills that take place in our beloved Kenya and think conclude that our society is actually rotten to the core.
But who am I to judge? After all I am no saint. I have my own dark thoughts deeds and demons hidden away from everyone. And I am not just talking about sexual deviancy, I speak of lies greed manipulation.... (but that's a story for never). Things that if brought to the fore would bring shame to people, but not in the way you think. I think that shame would come from the knowledge that people have been up to the same or probably much worse.
I feel that one day I need to sit and tell it all. The burden of guilt is abit heavy to carry. There are too many secrets out there that need to be told. Too many wrongs that need to be righted. So before the world ends, whenever that will be, don't leave with regrets.
Tell me your secrets...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

the fan's spinning....

...and someone wants to throw shit up there.
That was the feeling this morning as I read a stupid email from my boss saying that I had not been delivering and he was taking things personally. Go fish!! I had delivered everything on time. The undelivered stuff had no deadlines attached to them. So, thus, therefore, I was not late!! Ha!! But I read between the lines. He's just a lonely man who wants to feel wanted. Well it's lonely at the top. you want company, buy a puppy! Punk!!
Moving on to other people who decide that it's your job to do their job. Well, guess what? After reading a crappy email like that one from my boss I decided that I shall not be doing somersaults for people. Pull your on freaking weight dude or hand in your resignation letter.
Moving on swiftly... I was to do a favour for a pal of mine, which involved meeting someone over lunch hour, which was then moved to 2:00pm. So being the diligent worker that I am, I decided to work over my normal lunch hour and do the errand at 2:00pm. Then guess what happened? 2:00PM the dude is a no show.
2:15 Nothing. I make a call. his phone's busy. So what do I do? Call again at 2:20 no answer I'm supposed to do? Chill for him? Not today1 Life goes on.
At 4:00 dude calls me to meet him. I decide that my pal really needs this. So, I shall do this. I meet him. No apology! No guilt! No remorse! Nothing!! Just a "lets get down to business" I really wanna shove him off this deal, but tomorrow is the litmus test. If he pulls another stunt like that, he can kiss my sexy black ass and the money in this deal goodbye!! That's benevolence for you!
I had just come from a session with my supervisor (I cannot call it anything other than that as it was not exactly a good time) where he basically tore my work to shreds....and the way I had procrastinated so that I could work on it with passion and adrenaline.
Anyway it all got the better of me and I decided to take an evening stroll and enjoy the sights and sounds of our lovely city! As I was turning a corner who do I see B. Or was I seeing my own things? I had almost embarrassed myself with a case of mistaken identity earlier and so was very alert of my mind playing tricks on me. Turns out there is not mistaking her beauty. I thought I spied some people in the car with her and that made me hesitate. I wasn't in the mood to be dissed. I was emotional and would have burst into tears (Boo Hoo!!) anyway I did a bit of recon. and my fears were confirmed. How to handle this? I decided to call her. She had also spotted me... but it was safe to come and say "Hi!!!" With my evening officially made I could now go home!!! (sound of cracking whip!)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

sickness wont get me

If there is one thing that I dislike about being human is the frailty that comes with sickness.
Yes you guessed it...I am sick. and at such a crucial time. I have so much stuff that I need to take care of and it seems as if my body does not want to cooperate. What happened to the whole mind over matter thing?
I have to try to work in a state of not feeling well. It shall not be easy; not one bit, but I am a star after all. I shall and will succeed where failure seems imminent. It's simply goes with my DNA to do so.

To other matters. I have not had a great couple of weeks. Dark thoughts have filled my mind and I have not been sleeping well. maybe it's Murphy and his friends paying a visit. Many posts have been written and unpublished. They remain as drafts. I do not think the world is ready to see certain sides of me. Not yet!

Matters B. We continue to take one day at a time. I want her to know me more; not just to know stuff about me. Not that she does't know me. She knows me plenty, but she isn't sure that she does. There are things that someone cannot be told, they just have to see it for themselves. that's what I am talking about.

One of these days she shall read me like a book. I am,scared of that happening, but at the same time, I want it to happen. I am  in no rush to speed things along. I am surprisingly happy with where we are. The no pressure thing is necessary for both of us.

Monday, May 16, 2011

bad bad management

So a friend of mine was telling me about their workplace. It is not the friendliest place on earth. Now I know we do not go to work to make friends, but neither do we go there to make enemies, be wasted, harassed or have any efforts to better ourselves frustrated.
Basically the employer employee relationship is a contract, one that appeals to what one wants from the other party. It is not out of benevolence or good work. It is one of want, need or greed.

so back to my friend's place. There has been exceptionally high staff turnover. (where is this not taking place?) In a bid to address the crisis, some people were called together by management and had things broken down to them as follows.

Basically, there are 4 different possible scenarios in the work place. 3 lead to the same end. Only one stands out
Scenario 1: Employer is not happy and employee is not happy. Employee leaves!
Scenario 2: Employer is happy, but employee is not happy: Employee leaves!
Scenario 3: Employer is not happy, but employee is happy. Employee leaves!
Scenario 4: Both employer and employee are happy: employee stays.
Conclusion. Provided our staff retention is above 25% we are good....what dimwit came up with that idea?

When employees leave, especially en mass, there is immediately a reason to worry for your clients. All clients have "go-to-guys" in any organisation. The person(s) that they call up whenever they need something. There are no exceptions to this rule... We all have our barber, mechanic, fundi, hairstylist, even waiter (get the picture). When that go-to person leaves, you may stick with the organisation if their services are top notch.
However, if the client notices a trend, that the people who he/she used to work with are all leaving, then they lose confidence in the organisation and take their business elsewhere, especially where it is a service.

So, dear employer, go ahead and do your simple silly maths... avoid the bigger picture at your own risk.
What punks!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Thor - Trailer 2 (OFFICIAL)

Captain America: The First Avenger TV Spot 1 (OFFICIAL)

X-Men: First Class International Trailer 2 (OFFICIAL)

A letter to my B

My Dear B
It has been five months since you walked back into my life and I dare say these are fast becoming the best days of my life. I am happy with what life has offered me I walk tall and look into the future with some idea of who I want to share it with; You.
I cannot begin to say how important you being here has been to me. Obviously you managed to get under my skin within 5 minutes at the pool side. And from that point I knew this was an amazing person that I cannot leave out of my life. 
Thank you for sticking by me through worse times when I walked with a dark cloud over my head. When I believed that I was less than who I am. You saw things in me that I had ignored for so long that they were forgotten, and no longer a part of me.
Thank you for not judging me for my weakness and for "punishing" me when I slipped up. For bringing the words smitten and in love back into my life. for being the perfect woman by just being you. 
For getting me to start writing again and pushing me to achieve my dreams. Every time I am with you I thank God for the gift He has given me through you. To have someone who I can be completely at home with with neither any inhibitions nor fear of reprisals for being me. I am truly blessed.
I know that the sun doesn't always shine in your life and that you do have occasional dark days. But those days are less and less and the clouds in your life are clearing away. Healing is coming slowly and surely and one of these days you shall be able come and tell me... All is well. It is over. One of this days your sky shall be filled with all manner of stars and a cool breezy will flow though your soul and you shall reflect on the freshness of it all.
I can never tell you this enough. I love you. You are an amazing woman and if you truly mean the world to me. Know that you have changed my life for the better. I honestly believe that it wasn't just mere fate that I met you from way back, and that we clicked within 5 minutes of saying hi. I know that God has used you to speak into my life. 
I pray that he uses me in your life in the same way He has used you in mine. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

what would you do?

I was asking myself that same question a few days ago. How far would I go for the different people that have some significance in my life?
That question was meant to be rhetorical, but fate has a humorous side to it; in that it decided to test me. This very morning I was called into action for my B. I hope I came good...
It did not start very well with me standing next to a pressure gauge at a petrol station trying to fill the gauge of a 4X4 vehicle. I love the rain, but not when it is combined with car trouble. But this was an act of love so I cant say I was in pain about it.
Then after long winding traffic, as I was just about to get into town, B called me. she was in an accident and needed some help. Immediately I dropped everything I was doing to come to her aid. I felt so responsible and mature in a good way. That she needed help and called me just makes life grand!! Words cannot express...
But more than that, it just made me fall even more in love with her. I walked into the office with the biggest grin on my face and an S on my chest. I almost started singing how I'm her man... Super whooped man!!

So, what would you do for those you love? would you get late for work (probably), walk across muddy plains in a full suit; in the rain; to help out with a scratched car?
I know I would. Every day. Each time she'd call I'd be there; like superman. Because she's my B!!

Monday, May 09, 2011

of funny weekends (Part 2)

Continued from here
At some point I decided to do away with the laziness in me and make a show for the wedding. After a bit of a rush I made it just on time to see the formalisation of the ceremony (the signing of the certificates) I figured that now was as good a time as ever to show up. I became even more proud of my self as I spied other kindred spirits sneak into the sanctuary... ah the joy of Kenyan timing.
Once the ceremony was over there was the usual chit chat about how beautiful the bride was and the colours of the ceremony... blah! blah! As my focus shifted to the ants toiling along the church in the midday sun, this went on for quite a while before I was summoned into a vehicle headed for the reception.
Fortunately I found myself in a table full of fellow men who couldn't wait for the wedding to be over. The entertainment wasn't half bad; the performers assembled on the trees and swooped down on their audience grabbing pieces of meat. I love me a good Hawk!!
Finally the wedding was over... or so I thought and it was time to be dragged along to take pics. clearly I was not comfortable being the only third wheel around. Where was B when I needed her to whisk me away? It sucked!! But I smiled and posed all for the fans.
Fast forward to the evening party where the MC was as high as a kite; and two old friends were busy trying to hide the fact that they are more into each other than a shoelace in a shoe...
The night ended with nobody trying to hook me up!!!

MILAN WON THE SCUDETTO!!!!
Thank you God!!

Come Sunday and things were not that good... Chelsea lost...Bugger. But in hind sight I realise that my best friend, a Man United fan needed that win more than I needed United to lose. apparently he broke up with his chic... WTH!! It was his first chic ever. Life Sucks sometimes.

Today I saw B for the first time in what seemed like a month... I had missed her terribly. I swear to you that girl makes me go crazy!! I love it. As soon as I knew she was headed my way I became restless and frisky. My mood was up I was excited. I stood at the corner looking this way and that praying I'd catch a glimpse of her and when I finally did I swear I jumped a bit... I am such a child around her.
and in this childish spirit I have just found some long lost PJ's... Let the dreams come.

Good night people

of funny weekends (Part 1)

To call the week that was "nice" would be to hugely overstate things. There were many things that did not go right, but I shall not dwell on them. I am trying to be a positive guy. I would like to see the glass as 1/4 full rather than 3/4 empty. Although one could argue that seeing the glass that way indicates the potential that exists... I digress.
This has been a weekend that I shall christen relationship weekend. for one reason or another. That is all I heard about for the whole of Saturday, but being at a wedding it was somewhat expected.

Let us begin on Friday night. I have been sleeping uneasy for the past few days for various reasons ranging from School work to worrying about unknown factors of life. It is strange how much a little knowledge about something can change your whole outlook on the matter. Long story short, I slept at around 3:00 am

Saturday morning
My pal calls me at around 9:00 am asking me if I am headed to a wedding. I grouchily acknowledge. before turning over and leaving him to converse with myself.
Sleep was hard to come by after that so I called B. She always leaves feeling good about life with minimal effort. From the moment she said "Hello" I figured things weren't good. I figured it was work. Her boss has been a real prick. I swear if I had the power I would relocate him far far far away. to like a borderline branch. On second thought, No!! I'd get B out of there. Take her on a long relaxing holiday where she could take time to relax knowing she doesn't have to ever return to that place... how about that?
Finally I crawled out of bed at around 10:30 having given up all hope of getting any more winks of sleep. I then went in search of  breakfast.
I had a wedding to attend that I was late for. But I was neither the priest nor groom, so I didn't care. Now I don't like weddings, but this being a friend I figured I'd turn up for part of the church service and reception I think that's showing a lot of love. Don't you?

Thursday, May 05, 2011

the procrastinator

Procrastination has reared it's ugly head again. And this time I'm really caught in a tough place. But let us begin this story at the beginning...High school
At some point in my high school life I came to realise the beauty of procrastination. This was some where around from two when I became active in clubs. Not that I had suddenly become a model student. No. But because active participation brought with it the possibility of attending an out of school function. the main aim of this was of course to meet shy teenage girls; spend a whole afternoon gathering courage to walk up and talk to them and finally do it in the last 20 minutes of the function. And this was all in the hope of getting a hug (ah the simple days) But I digress... now where was I? Procrastination.
Anyway in 2nd form I joined the most active of all school clubs. the choir. attending different competition levels meant missing out on a lot of class and instead meeting up with pretty girls. Woo hoo!!
When we did get back to school in the evening, a pile of work was awaiting us, but armed with the defence of the music patron and the knowledge that I would not be in class the next day I tended to push work to a distant, yet to be determined deadline.
Fas forward many years into campus. This was a place of more freedom since majority of lectures did not consider class assignment grades as worth any inclusion in your final grade. Maybe it had something to do with the large amount of plagiarism. Oh well that meant that I would read a day before a CAT and a week before exams. All other time was play time... and we know I am not Jack; Tomas loves to play.
Now I find myself in the present. I am pursuing what my mother fondly calls gumbaru (adult education) I have honestly been very busy in the office, but in truth I did have a loose weekend here and there to put into my academics, but I found the warmth of my bed more inviting than the knowledge in my books.
I find myself with less than three weeks to hand in two comprehensive reports and I cannot claim to be even 30% ready.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

a new leaf

I have always considered myself to be quite good in managing my finances. I do not do a lot of impulse buying and whenever I make a big purchase it is usually with a lot of thought and consideration. However being a good manager has made me somewhat proud.
I have attended a number of financial workshops (which by the way all tend to say the same thing) and walked out feeling that I am better than, which has some truth to it. Anyway, one thing that is always repeated in these seminars is the importance of budgeting.
Now I admit that I have been living with a mental budget. I know the bills I must pay to God and man and do so faithfully. Plus I religiously put aside an amount that I must invest. Everything else goes into my stomach or literally burns (fuel) or somewhere else. It is this other amounts that worry me.
This month I have taken the bold step to tabulate ever single coin I spend. I basically created an excel spreadsheet with 4 columns: Date, Item, Amount spent and Category (food, entertainment tithe e.t.c.)
What's the point? I want to know exactly where my money goes. I suspect Entertainment. but looking at it daily should give me some perspective as to what's really going on.
What prompted this? Well I have gotten into some business deals that have made money quite tight. So I really have to start the penny pinching. To add to that I have future expenses coming up due to commitments I have.
Let us see how this goes...

Monday, May 02, 2011

sin...moving past

In football one can concede a foul for simply having the intent to commit a foul and not actually doing it. I don't know about the justice system. 
But when it comes to Christianity does intent to commit sin constitute a sin? I think so. This comes from Matt5:28 "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart..." 
On the other hand is the temptation to sin wrong? I think not. for even Jesus was tempted and yet he was without sin (deductive reasoning) 
However, The devil will try and fool you into thinking that just because you have been tempted you have sinned. therefore you might as well go ahead and indulge. 
Problem comes when you begin to feel the guilt for sins committed in the past. and this guilt can carry on from a few days to a few years. And living a life of guilt is nothing anyone wants. (Speaking from experience)
But once God has forgiven us it is washed away. He remembers it no more. We should choose to do the same... It is easier said than done. but we should take baby steps on this. 
God is holding your hand!!

Gran Turismo 5 Trailer - E3 2010

monday blues

Any way you want to look at it. Monday is a bad day. Today was not exception. I had hoped that it would somehow be a good day, but it was as fucked up as a Monday can be. Worst bit was that it was clothed as a holiday...
Only good thing about it was that I wrote a death note to a former  life I had
Everything else was just crap!!
To start with B was angry at me in the morning... That sot of set the stage for what was to come. I was meant to be working on something important, but never got to it (I don't care to touch it tonight). Apart from washing a few clothes, I was basically lazy for most of the day. Not really doing anything... letting my mind wander about aimlessly. I was in melancholic state all day.

Maybe I should watch a good action flick. Even though I know it's pointless. Maybe this is something I need to sleep over... Fuck it!! I am picking myself up. This sour mood can kiss my ass!!! Where the happy music at? By the time I say goodnight. I shall be back to my happy self!!

a death note

First I'd like to say I am sorry for the life I am about to take. I Know it is not a good thing to take a life, but all will thank me for it. just wait and see the results.
It's been only one year, but it has been a year of pain, hardship, remorse, guilt and shame. Any pleasures that came with it were short lived. Leaving only bad things in my wake. I cannot go on letting this life exist. It does no good to anyone. Granted, I have learnt a few lessons along the way, but I think time for learning is over and time for practising is here.
I cannot spend more time and effort feeding this person; they must die tonight. They cannot be allowed to see the light of another day. To darken the skies of a sunny day. For should I let them live, then it will be the death of me. And I am not ready to give up and die. I have good things in my life and I intend to see them grow and blossom.
To continue with him alive would be to continue to live a lie. I am tired of the lies and the cover up that is involved with all this.
To the one person who shares this burden with me, I thank you for being there when you did not need to. for taking a lot of crap when he slapped you in the face... and for carrying the pain along with me. For that I owe you a lifetime of gratitude. A debt that, in my heart, shall forever remain outstanding. you shalll shoulder this burden any more. For he is now not only dead to me but actually going to die...

Sunday, May 01, 2011

A cup of chocolate

A cup of chocolate is all it was; A bit of warmth going down my throat
A smile, a laugh, a warm embrace, was all it took to make my night.
Time spent a life shared is all I ever want with you.
And when time does again allow, a cup of chocolate we will share