Thursday, June 30, 2011

who is this girl?

Who is this  girl that's been on my mind all day? This girl who I can't seem to stop thinking about? The one I do not want to stop thinking about...
Who is this that I know so little off, but who knows me so well? And why do I find myself constantly drawn to her side?
Who is this amazing person who sacrifices time and money to take me on errands that have little to do with her? 
Who is it that pushes aside her problems and shoulders mine like they were hers?
Who constantly toys with my mind and laughs her head off at my utter confusion?
Who is this girl that makes me want to give her the world? Even though she has not asked me or thinks that she deserves it?
Who is this that makes me want to be a better man? Who is good for my health; physically, mentally and emotionally.
Who is this girl that I am so in love with, that when I'm apart from her I only want to see her and when I'm with her I never want to leave her?
Who is it that I know so little off and am willing to take all that they have to offer and more? Much more than they think I can.
Who do I want to share my life with, have a family with and make the happiest person in the world?

Who is my B?
Wouldn't you like to know.... so would I

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

a walk down memory lane

I was going through the process of filling in school admission forms the other day when I came across a file that carries my academic records all the way back to my first Nursery school report form.
I absolutely loved the comments my teachers put in my report card back then. "He can count up to 20" " He is active in class" "He is a promising student" "His skills are forming" Back then, the comments put on the paper, which I could not read or comprehend. Raised me and encouraged me. Even where I was not doing well, they teachers chose to see the glass as half full. What blissful days... I pray to give that gift to my B someday!! that she can sit back and think..."what blissful days with this man!"

A prayer
Dear Lord. Tonight I pray for my B's mum. I pray that your healing hand will touch her and raise her from her sick bed. That tomorrow she will rise with the sun and praise your name for the wonders You continue to do in her life. I pray for your healing power to come over her body and take away this sickness as I write this words. Let not this prayer be in vain, but may you be glorified by your power.
I also pray for my B. That she will have peace knowing that you are already healing her mother. that she will go to sleep knowing that all is well with her mum.
In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Monday, June 27, 2011

love is not what I thought it was

Jumping straight to the point.
Like the rest of you I grew up knowing love as what I watched on TV, movies and various novels. I was a fool.
I grew up watching real love, but not knowing it. I was blinded by the system as to what real love really is. I watched my parents as they loved us and loved each other and I learnt the following things
Love is not a feeling. My aunt once asked me, "what happens between you and your girlfriend once the feelings are gone?" I could not fathom such a situation, and thought she had gone bonkers. But a while later...the feelings went, and we did what any fools in our shoes would have done. We broke up.
Love is a choice. My mother, in a fit of anger at something bad that I had done once said, I don't like you very much right now, you're lucky that I love you. I was taken aback by her words and never really understood what she meant then, because to me love was equal to like. If I didn't like you, then I didn't love you. It had never occurred to  me that while at times I genuinely did not like my parent or siblings, I still loved them. That it was something that I had chosen to do.
And this is not limited to family, but it extends to friends, and romantic relationships. My father, a wise man by any standards once sat me down and had a man talk with me. He said, "I sometimes get angered by your mother for one reason or the other, but I made a decision to love her despite it long ago. This is the best decision of my life."
He continued by saying that to love someone is not easy and the closer they get to you the more they are likely to hurt you, and they will, but you have to decide two things. One is whether you want this person close to your heart i.e. Decide if they are they worth the effort. Second, you need to decide to love them (put the effort) regardless of what they may do. If you don't you're wasting your time. Make this two decisions and you will be the happiest man.
The statements above are the reasons I do not believe in soulmates. It romanticises the whole thing and takes away the real essence of what is involved in making a relationship work out.

It's not your fault

A thought crossed my mind this evening. The world as we know it is not the best place sometimes. terrible things happen, and they happen to all of us. The problem is that sometimes we blame ourselves for the bad that happens to us.
I'm not talking about where we play with matches and get burnt, but rather where we have people who hurt us out of their own evil nature and yet we end up blaming ourselves. We tell ourselves that maybe if we were better people this would not happen. We say that we deserve what's happening because of the wrong things that we did or continue to do, but this is not true.
The truth is that if someone hurts you, it's not our fault. It is theirs. they are the one's in the wrong. Not you. Nobody deserves to be hurt or treated by shit, but most of all nobody should blame themselves for the evil done to them.
I was at this point once in my life; blaming myself for the bad things. Thinking that I deserved the pain, tears and sleepless nights that came with it. Getting to a point where I accepted that I was not in the wrong was difficult, but if I got there, then so can you.
We are all God's children and he loves us all. Yes even the bad ones. He wants what's best for us always. And knowing that, I believe that He doesn't want us to suffer. So, don't blame yourself for the bad in your life. It's not your fault.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

changing times, pressure and promises made

There is one thing that can be held constant in any man's life; it is change. Nothing remains constant and continues to exist. Even the seemingly immovable rock is eroded by the weather for change is a must.

In my life lately these signs have been becoming more and more clear as time goes on. Old things are losing the high place they once held in your life and new and exciting things taking the fore. It's a difficult time, but we cannot live in the past. We can only look backward and enjoy those memories every now and then, but we must always walk ahead and live the life given to us.

A good friend of mine and I have been drifting apart for a while. What we once had in common we no longer share. As we have grown we have seemingly chosen different paths. And while we he still remains someone to whose aid I will run to at the drop of a hat, there has been a definite shift in the ground on which our friendship is based. I pray this is for a season. As it has happened before, but I am willing to accept whatever   life is throwing at me at this time.

Other friends who I held close to me are taking several steps that the community deems signs of growing up. They're getting married and having families. At the same time beckoning me to join them. These are my peers and the pressure to conform is real, but I don't share the same enthusiasm as them when it comes to matters of the heart. Not to say that I do not want someone to love hold and cherish. I do love my B. But it's not yet my time and they need to understand that.

I recently found a message that I had sent to someone. I made certain declarations that I still hold to be truths. things I want to do, but for now can only dream of. However, inside was a promise made. A statement that came from the bottom of my heart. One that underlined the entire message. And one that I ultimately broke. And with it a persons heart. Someone who who holds words said to them to be precious and didn't deserve a broken promise.
For that I am truly sorry. I am not sorry for making the promise because I mean every word. I'm sorry that I broke it and that it took me this long to realise it. I pray they will find it in their heart to forgive me.

I have been trying to leave my job for a while now, but all attempts have hit a brick wall. I recently enjoyed a sit down from a colleague who asked me, "Are you the best that you can be where you are now? Is there anything you know you can do better? What opportunities are sitting right in front of you that you haven't decided to take up? Forget about being frustrated by your boss. Happiness is your choice. choose it!"
And to say the truth I'm not the best I know I can be, and there are things that I can do better. And moving won't change these things about me.

I have to change a lot of things in my life. Not so much make a U-turn, but make myself a better man. I have to work harder to give God and man the best that Tomas can be... and I know I can. So why haven't I? whay have I been living a mediocre life?

Monday, June 20, 2011

God's solution

I went to church today. Hurray!! It was a good time. I have not enjoyed church for a long time. Probably because I have not been in a church service for a long time. This was a welcome change.
The pastor I was speaking from the book of Romans chapter 8. I cannot tell you all of what he was talking about, but I do remember one thing he did speak about.
He spoke about suffering and strife. How as a Christian, just as any other man, there will come times where we suffer. They key thing is that He shall always send someone to be there for us in this difficult time. Always. No exception.
I think back and find this to be true in my life. I have always had someone in one way or another who helped me through a difficult time, whether they knew it or not is another matter entirely. And there were times I refused to take up the help offered, mostly by being stubborn. However, I believe that all these people were sent by God. Those who you randomly bump into that share a word of encouragement, or a random text that comes out of the blue.
I want to be like that to somebody. I want God to use me as He has used others in my life. I feel very indebted to his love...

Saturday, June 18, 2011

the turn of the tide

The waves have come and crashed on the shore, dragging it with them back to the sea,
It is washed away, into the deep sea. Maybe never to be seen again on this land...Maybe.
He still holds hope. Hope as fickle as a match light in a strong wind.

And with it's departure, his soul sinks. He droops his head low cursing the elements.
Standing there at that lonely beach. Watching helplessly as the tide turns.

The moon is full that night and the day that follows is bright and cheery
Life seems to go on as if the night before had never happened.
The laughter and screams from excited children seemingly mocking him.
Not knowing the pain he feels at his loss.

After a long laboured walk, he finally gets home.... "Home?" he asks "Is there really such a place?"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

of hospitals and illness

I have been unwell for the last few days. There is nothing I dislike more in this world than spending the entire night awake in pain that just won't go. Not that I thing there is anyone who would enjoy the experience. But I shall spare you the gory details. Those belong to the doctor.
Anyway I had not been feeling well since Last week Monday, but I hoped against all hope that things would improve. and fro a while I seemed well.
that was until Saturday when I was to attend a wedding for a friend of mine. As usual I was to turn up somewhere towards the end. I really don't enjoy all the hullabaloo. and I am yet to attend a full wedding in my life, as a guest.
Anyway while there, my stomach started complaining. It must be what a stadium track feels like during Olympics with people running all over it. I decided to ignore it and practice some mind over matter nonsense, but that's exactly what it was. Nonsense. The body is a powerful thing especially if it wants to exhale.
Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. I awoke feeling much worse and knew I had to get help. So after the most BASIC freshening up (I was dressed in a t shirt, shorts and slippers: I might as well have gone in my PJ's) I drove myself to hospital for 2 hrs. of sitting at the waiting room, watching repeats of all local comedies, so that I can see the doctor for all of 10 minutes (what a waste) and for it I got to drink the worst tasting drug in the world. I almost gave up on the cost of healing... Yuck!!
Now I  must say that I hate hospitals. I wish I never had to go to them. I view them almost the same as a banking hall, a place of last resort. I guess it's partly my stubborn nature, but such is life.
The Sunday visit turned out not to be enough and I had to go back on Tuesday...where I received less nasty tasting drugs. Turns out this visit preceded my worst night. Yes Tuesday 14 June will not quickly be forgotten. But as I promised I shall spare you the gory details.
I am recovering and almost back to full health. I thank God for his touch and the few people he sent my way to check on me. I am truly blessed!!

Onboard Nürburgring Nordschleife Porsche 997 GT3 Cup

Onboard GAZOO Racing Lexus LF-A Nürburgring Nordschleife

Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us by Dan Pink


Definitely worth a listen

Sunday, June 12, 2011

emotions

A good friend of mine was on the receiving end of a tongue lashing a while back on the relationships that he has had with the female kind. Poor man.
The Genesis of this entire story is that he had a platonic female friend as do we all at some point in life, and he was really tight with her. They'd hang out quite a bit; actually almost every other day. At some point, it was almost daily. According to him, there is nothing beyond the friendship. All they are is good friends; nothing more. But to the tongue lasher (a lady herself) at some point there was something more.
Well, it turns out (and this is was confirmed by a lady) that once a lady reaches a certain closeness with you, and sees you as the man who's shoulder she can lean on, she will begin to see you as potential boyfriend material. This is regardless of the words that come out of your mouth. Now this is not a bad thing if you as the man begin to feel the same way. But if not, there is a problem.
However, a problem develops once you get a girlfriend who doesn't happen to be the "best friend." For all intents and purposes, there's an existing emotional, and dare I say it romantic bond, between the dude and best friend. And while you, the dude, never offered her the chance to be your girlfriend, in her mind she already was. and she doesn't understand why after the closeness that the two of you have, you instead chose to pick someone else over her. You keeping her as part of your life as before is bound to bring friction between her and your girlfriend. Why? Because as you open up your life to her, you basically have three people in a relationship as opposed to two. That's a recipe for disaster.
So, we as men are advised to keep women at an arms length unless you want that romantic bond with her. Platonic friends just don't work. It appears our forefathers had something with all their conservatism.

Monday, June 06, 2011

fighting the evil within

This post is almost a one of those self help things that you come across on the internet.
I believe I have more than 2 cents to add to this topic. I have been battling an addiction now for well over a year. Only 2 other people know about it. Although I think one may have forgotten. Which is fine with me anyway.
At some point I would rarely go 2 days without indulging, especially at some point last year where it was almost a daily thing if not more. I have had countless failures trying to get free and at some point almost gave in. I almost accepted this problem as a part of me. If it wasn't for that dearest friend of mine, I would be very different. I thank God every day for sending them my way.

Anyway, I am not yet whole; I feel it in my bones. However, I am much stronger than before. I  want to share with you the things that I realised that made me stronger and have brought me to a point where I believe I am about to break free. This does not only apply to addictions, but to anything that could be holding you back from being the awesome person that you are.

First, don't battle the addiction. For a long time I told myself that I was going to beat this, and when I eventually slipped up I'd look back and wonder what went wrong. I was not fighting the cause of the addiction. I was fighting the habit. You cannot purely fight your bodies urges, you will lose. However, you can prevent/reduce what causes them to occur. Ask yourself what causes me to do this. Is it my thoughts, emotions e.t.c.?  That is what you need to be fighting.

Second, don't go it alone. It is difficult to open up to anyone, whether they love you or not. There is some guilt or shame that might come with it, but that's something you need to get past in order to get free. I was lucky to find a friend who sympathised with my cause and has kept everything that I have told them secret. But most of all, has not tolerated it when I have fallen. I have hurt them in the process of this fight, but they have still stuck by me and they've not failed to rebuke me in a loving way when I do slip up.
I believe that you are lucky as well. There is at least one person who you know you can trust. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone you deal with everyday, but it has to be someone who you know would be willing to help you. Be careful who you pick. There would be nothing as bad as being rejected by those who were once willing to help you. I've been there, I know.

Third is context. The environment you are in plays a huge part. Try not to think of it as place, but rather situation. It may be a time of day when you find yourself alone and suddenly find the urge or it could be the company you keep. Take all factors into consideration. Ask yourself, "What accelerates me to that place?" Then try your best to avoid that. Tell that a friend of yours exactly what's up.

Finally, find a replacement. Nature hates vacuums. It will always seek to fill them up. As you fight of what's bugging you try and occupy you as you fight this. Just like healing from a broken relationship if you spend time one something else that you enjoy, you wake up to realise that it is gone. The point here is to keep your mind focused on positive things rather than the problem at hand. It helps you to move away from it. So pick up something you enjoy doing, like a hobby, and do it. If possible, do it with someone as passionate about it as yourself e.g. a gym buddy, that way they can push you to it and they'd never have to know why you started all this.

I am not an expert, but I hope this helps. It is helping me.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

I want I crave pt 2

Yes I'm there again. As the weeks have moved along, the urge has grown even stronger. My mind is occupied every single time with this thing called sex. In case there is a doubt. I am a virgin, but only in the physical sense; my mind crossed that bridge a long time ago.
To try and control this urge I have taken a few steps, but they only seem to be delaying the inevitable rather than stop it. As I try and starve the wolf within, I only seem to only agitate it. And it has fought back in a few ways. In this battle there shall be injuries.
I have asked for certain things to be put on hold so that I won't be found in certain situations where I'd be tempted to go all the way. While I was able to hold my own previously, I only got through it by the skin of my teeth. If I was to find myself in a similar situation with her... I'd go for it. And if successful, I will never want to stop.... such is my hunger.
So, for now please understand!!!

Saturday, June 04, 2011

an imprint on my heart

This has not been a very good week for me. I was down sick for a while. Physically that is. Some would argue Mentally and I would tend to agree with them just for this week.

It was a week that saw a bad side of me come out. I am not proud of it in the least, but in a way I am relieved that I was not shown the door for misbehaviour. However, what follows is punishment. And I believe that this is a promise that B intends to keep... She has already began putting me through all the motions of mental torture. Sometimes the wait is usually worse than the punishment. Please believe me when I tell you, I deserve it.
I haven't seen her in the longest time. And no, I haven't just realised that. Everyday away from her is a day I want to end quickly, but life is like that (still whipped!!). I also know that I am unlikely to see her for the next say 2 weeks or so. It makes me wonder whether there is any truth to the saying "out of sight out of mind," because it is difficult to forget how beautiful she is, but it is impossible to take away how amazing she makes me feel.

That's not a line, it's just fact. I am sure that there are people put there that have touched your life in such an amazing way that even when you lose touch for a few days weeks or even years, you never forget their imprint in your heart. When the day finally comes that you meet them again; immediately your eyes land on them, you are blown away by a wave of emotion that words cannot express. That's me and my B

Thursday, June 02, 2011

why isn't today a sunday

Yesterday was a public holiday. I enjoyed it in bed with a cold and fever. It was so much fun. I think a rerun is required. It started the previous day. I got home at 6:00pm and was in bed in half an hour. I awoke at 12:30am and couldn't sleep till 6:00am. I then re awoke at around 10:00 to do particularly nothing and spent most of the day blacking in and out of consiousness... (must be the medication)

The cold started with a running nose and headache followed by a sore throat which turned into a dry cough and a congested chest. Anyway my chest still feels like there's an elephant in there fighing for space with my lungs. My voice is now meek. This means I can't shout insults across the room (something I really want to do this morning), but speaking them in controlled tones is giving them quite a punch. I might just stick to this.
Anyway, here I am, back in the office asking myself why today isn't Sunday. I need a refund of the holiday. despite spending at least 14 of my last 24 hrs asleep, I am still sleepy.

In other news (rants) I found a stupid email from someone in one of the branches. Chic asked me to do something for her 3 months ago. I gave her the answer in the negative, the subtext being; I don't feel like, I can't be bothered, it's your job not mine, so pick up your own weight. She picks that same email and forwards it with some additional comments copying regional bosses from Cape to Cairo (I think that's meant to intimidate me, but it's not working) asking the same stupid question.
My problem is this
1. Your's is an independent office. Why do you want me to do things for you?
2. Unless company policy changed, which it hasn't, how do you expect a different response.
3. Can't you act for yourself. You already sent a solution on your mail.
So I did the usual 1 line response. Watu wajipange...

Boss comes in late whistling... Kwani he got free fuel? I just want to shoot him with a gun!!!
This is not a mood swing. I'm bored of my job. I do it with my eyes closed. A first year university student can do this shit. I no longer use my brain and any chance to try and do so gets snatched. Bossman just wants all the glory. He then passes the shitty stuff to us. I have been turning down some of them because they are just stupid requests. Now it is said I am developing a bad attitude. Well Fuck him!! He can kiss my ass!!!

Then, I have been asked to work with some other asshole in this office. Why do I call him that? Well, it seems I am taking all the blame yet doing all the work on a project including his. My boss has even began to throw his work on my table. Which I then very politely handed back to him and asked why I should be doing someone elses work while they are sitting right there. I have my own duties to perform. I then made it known that I am not working with him on this project. I'd rather pick a street urchin and teach them how to use a comp than work with this punk.

Yes, this feels like a Monday. In this spirit, I have written my resignation letter. Waiting to submit it.