Sunday, July 31, 2011

the laggard

If this weekend was to have a theme behind it, I think the theme would be called laggard. I being the laggard.
I happened to bump into a group of old friends on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And as is usual of people one hasn't seen in a while the question of "what's new?"seemed to come up quite often.
Unfortunately my answers were always based on future hopes and dreams not on anything that's current or ongoing. hoping to get a new job, house, school maybe...
Meanwhile, on the other side; some were in new relationships, marriages, kids, new jobs, houses, cars e.t.c. Fuck!!
I sat there, smiled and pretended it was all good, but truth be told I wanted to bolt out of there as soon as people seemed to parade how good life was going for them...
I do not take for granted that God has given me family, friends and health, but I cant help but compare myself to my peers, especially when they all seem to be moving at 100Km/hr and I'm stuck doing 50Km/hr, knowing that we were once at par. It's not good for me
It hasn't been a good weekend for many reasons, but I still thank God for the little that I have. I don't want to be unappreciative.
And God I know I am a sinner, but I seem to be forgotten... Please don't forget me.

Friday, July 29, 2011

lies to protect

We are all liars every single one of us. and the funny thing is that the people we tend to lie to the most are those that we care about. Those that we do not want to disappoint. but somehow we still end up doing it.
when I think of my own life and the way I have lied to many people, more often than not it is to save face and nothing more.  Some of the things that I have lied about are;

  • what I actually think of someone's efforts to please me, 
  • how well I am doing to have people at ease and not be bothered with my problems
  • my actual opinion on things that I do not consider to be important to me

Why do I do this? Why am I more honest with strangers than with those that I hold dear? Don't they, who are close to me, deserve to know the truth at least more than the random people in my life who may know a certain dark secret?
I think it's time to come clean. I have already began that, but I need to go further. I'm not opening up my life to the world. Of course there are things that I shall not reveal, because those closest will turn all emotional and show sympathy and pity. However, for the few (two) who I am "comfortable" (I'm not really comfortable, but I think it's better they know than don't) sharing my life with, I believe they deserve to know the truth; whether it brings tears to their eyes or pain in their hearts. If they do not want to hear any more then they shall tell me. Let that be their decision. But I am tired of wearing a mask in front of people I love. What's the point?

A friend of mine once opened up her life to all of us. She revealed EVERYTHING!! calling it no more masks... I want that courage. To be able to walk tall and be proud of who I am.

And yes this post has been inspired by recent events... but it is my own thing

Thursday, July 28, 2011

say what you need to say

I begin this post with alot that I want to say but I do not even know where to start.
Ever been in one of those situations where you know you can speak non stop for the next few hours on various things, but you cannot start? Well, that's me.
This blog is my outlet, the place where I try to be myself even when I am not. It's the place that I pour out  my happiness, joy, fear and all other emotions that seem to be taking me. I sound like a woman. Fuck!!

Today it's fear. I fear that I shall eventually end up alone in this world. I know I go on and on in this blog about relationships and all; and some of you know of my complicated relationship with B. This isn't about that. It is about how sometimes I feel like my life is one big game of musical chairs and I might the unlucky kid who slips and fall just as the music fades and gets kicked out at the first round. Nobody exceptional or outstanding that people will hold a thought for once the next round begins. The one who spends more time observing proceedings than taking part in them. Like somehow everyone is meant to fit somewhere and my place was as the audience.
Well Fuck this audience business. I'm leaving. going to create my own game by my own rules. just like when I was a kid...
And I'm not writing this for your fucking sympathy (yes I have began to curse again), I don't want to be pitied and seen as someone's charity case. There are plenty of kids the world over that you can go hug and immediately feel nice about yourself. I'm just writing to myself; in a way I am thinking aloud. B tells me that I am too hard on myself. Maybe I am. Maybe all this is just an imagination and tomorrow I shall wake up and realise that this was all just a dream.

P.S. So many questions went unasked today... it's fear that grips me at times that I forget who's most important to me.

Monday, July 25, 2011

my house...

...and the memories therein

The sitting room: where I entertain myself reading writing blogging (only really entertained visitors thrice in 2 years)... and of late a place of rest sleep.
My bedroom: a place I sleep. although of late it's more of a changing room, and store for my clothes
The toilet: A happy place. The one place I always walk out feeling better than when I walked in (somehow farts don't smell as bad in there)
Bathroom: where I go when I wanna get wet. Where I wash off all the crap of the day.
Porch and lawn: Figments of my imagination.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

a random trip

I have been looking for a break form the normalcy of my life and today I got it.
I took a trip out of town with some friends. I just called up slim and he mentioned he was headed out of town to visit a friend. so I accompanied him. It was an interesting trip. I got to see places that I have only heard of. Ate some giant sized chapatis and make anew friend.
Later, this evening, when I got to town, I decided to check up on a pal of mine who I haven't seen in ages. It was cool hanging out outside their gate for like an hour or too catching up on where life has taken us over the past decade or so. Now I am home and hoping to fall asleep soon.
I haven't slept in my bed in over 4 days. not a good thing especially for my posture.
Tomorrow I may go to watch Harry Potter with my B... It's a long shot, but either way, Harry Potter or not, I just want to look into her eyes and all will be well.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

why bother?

I asked myself that question many times over the period of my long life.
There are many times when I sit down and ask myself, 'Why bother?" times when I want to give up.
Why bother to brush my shoes only to have them covered in dust 5 minutes away from the house.
Why bother putting a lot of effort into something only to have it shot down again and again? why try the second third or fourth time?
Why bother to try and live a good life, an upright life.Only to fail continuously? Why can't I just accept that I am not the good person that I try to be?
Why bother chasing after things that it seems I will only ever taste, but never have them as my own? Shouldn't I also enjoy some good? Or am I the poor man staring through the shop window? Or maybe I dwell too much on what I don't have and want rather than what I have. Maybe that's why I think I keep losing what I have... had.

Why does God allow his people to suffer? I read the story of Job, who God called his own, yet he let his entire family be wiped away? And for what? I really don't understand you God and I know I never will.
Please sort me out. I need a break.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A repeat performance? Not again

Last year can be described in one word SHIT!!
It started off brilliantly... I was on quite a high. the colours were brighter, the sun shone and I generally enjoyed life. But somewhere along the line something broke and the world turned to shit... I found myself in a dark place that I have yet to fully cut away from. I am so far from healing

This year started pretty much awesome, and I honestly thought that finally things were going to look up in my life. I still had my problems, but I had hope. Hope is a powerful weapon, but there needs to be more. Will power, but my will is weak. I cannot even stand tall.
Of late small things began to crumble small things that I did not first notice, but are becoming clearer with each passing day. Nightmares are reoccurring and some of them have turned into reality. I no longer want to sleep for fear of what dark future I might see in my dreams. I have been robbed of sleep.

Dear God, I know I have not been your good child. Far from it. I don't think a hypocrite like me should be called a child. I am much more lost than I am willing to show or admit. But I beg you, please don't let these dark waves drag me away as they once did. If they do I don't think I'll wash up on shore again.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I know

Yes I have not blogged in a while. There is plenty I want to say and scream about, but I have not had time. I do have a few drafts in the background, but I shall not be bringing them out any time soon. No matter how much you may want to bring some things out in the open, there is a time and place for everything. And while this could be the place, I know it is definitely not the time.
To sound less cryptic, there are things about me that I am not ready to show to the world yet, like my good looks (among other lies). A few people are privy to them and I intend to keep it that way before the truth comes out; as it always does.
Not that I care what the world thinks, but that I am not ready to face the stares, hear the whispers and see the pointed fingers which shall eventually shall be pointed my way.
What do you know I actually blogged something.

I shall return soon. Have a good week pips!!

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

my 200th post

Excluding a few that I may have deleted along the way this is my 200th post (I am not sure if that includes a couple of drafts)
I celebrate this milestone by means of the chorus to a simple song that God put in my heart yesterday.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your many blessings name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the Lord has  done

Below are just a few blessings that I have counted this day

  1. God - there are no words
  2. My family, who my base
  3. My B, who's God sent in so many ways
  4. My best friends, "Kitten" and "Sketch" for sticking to a not very good friend
  5. My close friends, who make life worth it
  6. Some of the people I work with, who are the only reason I still work there
  7. The life I have lived and what I have seen in it, both good and bad.

Monday, July 04, 2011

I wait

You want us to be together, but you fear that by doing that you will be making me compromise on me... maybe you don’t know me well enough.
Or maybe you feel that you don’t deserve to be loved, because of the things you may have done in the past. Maybe this is your way of punishing herself... Punishment is over. It’s time to move on.
Why don’t you want me to know you? What is this thing that you’re sure will hurt me? Don’t you believe me when I say I’ll stick to you despite all? But then again these could be the same words you’ve heard from others in the past.
Why do you fear me? Or is it the idea of us you fear? Do you fear that if you open yourself to me, I will hurt you? That I can believe.
I want you; The real you. Not this mask that you’ve put in front of me; not this shield you’ve erected around your heart. I want the person behind the mask... the fearful little girl, the amazing person I know is hiding back there.
I want my B. She who thinks she’s not worth it... Who thinks that somehow I shall regret my time with her. I have but one regret when it comes to you, and that is that I was not there when you needed me most, but I am here now and will continue to be here for the good times and the bad. Should you choose to embrace me, or reject my phone calls...
I’ve been with you and apart from you and I can tell that with you is where I want to be. You are worth my time, every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day.
And this is not a rallying call for you to take an action. I do not right this to prove a point or somehow make you feel guilty. I write this to send on message, one that I’ve said before, “I will wait.”
I will wait for you to come to me. You do not have to come running today, or tomorrow, or in the months to come. There is no ultimatum. My outstretched arms will not tire. My heart will always be open to you as it has been from the time I met you... Because I love you!

HD Ibrahimovic Amazing Goal - AC Milan vs Brescia 3-0 - Highlights - 05/...

So sick!!

Sunday, July 03, 2011

random post

About 4 years ago I had had it with my life. I had been rejected by two women (boo hoo). One of whom I loved very very dearly... I had few friends (still do anyway) School was terrible. I was fighting some personal demons of my own.
It was not a good place to be. Especially with everyone around me announcing one success after another... It seemed life had chosen for Murphy to be my best friend.
I had tried the whole "be positive" attitude, but nothing was working it was as if every time I tried to move forward, I'd be pushed back a couple of steps. I honestly was at my wits end and needed a fresh start. I got together some money and started to weigh my options. I was leaving the country. I did not care where I would go to, just that I could make a fresh start. I knew I'd miss that that I loved, but was not too sure that anybody would miss me.
I cannot tell you why I did not go. and I only shared this with one person. who isn't even really a close friend of mine. It was a low point in my life where I felt like an almost man. I was so beaten up by the bad things in my life that my eyes never opened to the good that was there. And I am sure that there were good things was, I just didn't see them.
It was a point where I felt like an almost man. Almost getting what you want but not really getting it. Loving someone who tells you that they don't really see you that way, but that you were a good guy and would make some girl really happy (How I hate those fucking words!!! Didn't they realise that at that point it was only them...FUCK!!) Or working your ass off and missing the out on the rewards for one stupid reason or another. Failing exams and having to repeat them in secret on my mum's birthday. And she's calling you, but.... I deviate
For many years I did not understand why I had to go through such a rough patch. But since then, always in the months of June-July, things in life have tended to go South. However, I am a bit wiser. If for nothing else, wise enough to realise that this is the time of year for the world to give me shit.
So come one come all. Call me names, break my heart, steal my money, hurt my feelings, sack me, make my life a living hell. I am not ready. I just want it over with!!