Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Quit asking

To all the naggers out there...

Quit asking because nobody wants you to know.
You wont be getting any answers, just a wall of silence.

Quit asking because they dont want to open the door.
All you seem to do is force you way into places you aren't wanted.

Don't ask or you might realise the truth.
The truth that you are really not that important. You might want to live a lie for this round.

Dont ask questions to answers you already know.
It is really annoying pointing out the obvious.

Don't ask don't tell, and just walk away. 
Treat life like a job application, if you are needed you shall be called....

Monday, August 29, 2011

another monday post

It has been a busy day. I meant to put this up earlier, but got carried away with trying to minimise the cost of procrastination... so many things are left pending

My foul mood finally lifted. thanks to two things.
1. I figured out what it was that was making me angry... turns out I wasn't angry, just disappointed. I felt let down by 2 people who are really close to me and it hurt. It wasn't really their fault, but I carried this burden with me all weekend especially Sunday.
2. I decided to try make B's day better... from her voice, it sounded like the weekend really took a toll on her and this morning I figure things only got worse... that actually put a smile on my face if only for a few seconds.

In the next few days, My life is going to take a huge turn. With moving house (Highly possible) New school and biggest one is that I could be jobless. It's a really tense time for me. That and other decisions that I have been pushing aside that affect the money in my pocket, the time I spend with people and..... It all seems too much, that I have almost let things form themselves as they will.
Of course I know that this is not a strategy, but what do you do when nothing is going your way and you are at the point of frustration that you almost want to shed tears?

Finally I have noticed that I tend to give more attention to other people's things and not mine. And these are people who are not that significant to me. With the exception of My family, B, slim and Kitten, I really should be running around trying to heal the world. But still I do... I can't walk away from people who ask for my help. If I do I stop being me and become some other creature I used to be.

angry monday

Monday morning. I am back to the office (not that I expected anything else) and for some reason, I am not feeling this environment at all.
One of my workmates is a chic with a voice like a child that's irritating me. Not the voice itself, but her!!
It irks me when people are not serious with their work when you are trying to teach them something. And to make it worse, she's busy dodging duties and brushing it off with some funny charm WHICH IS NOT CHARMING!!! It would help if you actually delivered results to some level of consistency before you start acting like a seasoned employee.
So dear little tweety bird!! Yes tweety bird!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

some hope...

I have been in a foul mood for the past three days; barring some moments where I had to interact with some people, where I did an amazing job of convincing them that the sun shines in my life.
I have not bothered to hide my true feelings to some. And it is written all over my face.
The reason for this is linked to 2 different incidents that occurred on Thursday: one in the morning, the other in the evening.

Anyway the summary of it is that I am back to sleeping on the sofa as a means of "punishing" myself for who I am... When you hear voices laughing at you in the middle of the night and nobody's around you need a change.

I have been fighting with my demons for over a year now. And until this morning, I was all but ready to accept that some things are a part of me. I was about to concede defeat.

Then by some strange twist I found myself in a church I do not go to. I sat in the pew looking around at the congregation and the preacher who was very excited and passionate about his message. I began to tell myself that I was a guest there rather than a member. Then, as if on cue, for the few moments that I was paying attention, the preacher said something that struck me.

In John 3:16 the bible says "for God so loved the world...." Not that the world did anything to warrant/deserve that love. He just simply loved... And I am part of the people that God loves. And my B, who was on my mind that very moment was loved as well. I left the service a few minutes later, but carried those words with me... I am loved and I did not have to do anything to get that love other than to simply exist.

How can I show such love to those that I care about?

Friday, August 26, 2011

a point of fear

I am at a point of fear. Fear of a loss that has not happened, but I keep being told will happen.
I am a person who rarely commits to people; be it friendships or relationships, but when I do, I go in deep. And right now I am deeper than I have ever been and I am not even in an actual relationship.
I am filled with fear. I fear that the amazing time I have spent over the last few months with my B will all come crashing down and leave my heart bleeding and my soul in tears. And if that happens I fear I shall never heal. I know that I shall never give my heart to another because there will be nothing to give. I have very little to give and I have given my everything to this. If there's anything left, I don't know. If it fails I shall be a left soul-less being wandering along the paths of life.
But I cannot allow myself to think negatively about losing my B. I am not going to let go without a fight. No matter what words come out of her mouth. However in the spirit of being honest with myself I course there is an exception to this. There are some specific words that if they came out of her words would bring this happiness that's surpassed all others to a halt. This is especially if I believe that these specific words come from her heart.
I do want to fight for her. I well and truly believe that she is the one (And this coming from a guy who does not believe in soul mates.). She is the one I would like to spend the rest of my life showing how much she means to me; because showing her that would take a lifetime.
I know this is rather morbid, It isn't the best way to return after a hiatus from the blog, but these are the sounds in my heart and the voices in my head.
I love my B and am willing to fight for us provided she does not say those words from her heart.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

a special occassion

This is part of the surprise...

I haven't posted in a while for various reasons, but none are good enough. This post is dedicated to my no. 1 fan. The one who has read my blog more than any one else...

Who you are.....

You are the holder of the most powerful smiley jutsu in the world!! (I'm sure it'd smite some ninja who covers his mouth any day)
You are the  strongest person in the world, by surviving all you have and still smiling... even if only on the outside sometimes.
You who want to brings nothing but happiness those of us around you


All you've done for me..... I am thankful each day for you.
You who give and give and give, yet never wants to receive nor expect anything back from me
You who know me more than any one else in the world and read me like a book.
You who tell me every other day that you fear hurting me... don't worry about that. You make me smile.
You who comes to me in my dreams and chases the nightmares away... especially last week (I owe you!!)
And after all that you put me on punishment for a whole month+ Why B? Why?

How you make me feel......
You are my Muse... the reason I started writing again; the reason I write this now.
You are the one who drives me crazy, and deeply and madly in love
You are the one who lights up my days when I am blue... who always makes my day's that much better

And from me to you.....
You are the one who wouldn't give up on me even when I did, and it would have been easier to walk away guilt free.... you you you!
You're the one I would give almost everything for... ALMOST... because I wouldn't give you away. At least not until I have sold a few limbs ;-)
You're the one I never got over, who never left my mind...it is you I hold dear to my heart. I love you!!

B, I know I have written sweeter and longer and better words to you...but honestly, tonight, words fail me, I simply cannot be able to express not only how much you mean to me, but also how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING you are and you haven't even discovered it all yet.

Too much? Never...not for my B!!
Finally, let me finish with this song from the heart

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

happy birthday B

Monday, August 08, 2011

5 Ways To Know You're Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks

5 Ways To Know You're Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks

I know someone....hahahaha!!!

why I have no syke

I don't know. I havent botherd to find out. somehow the allure of life has faded like the light in the evening. Colours seem to be less bright. I see more of the greys than the oranges and reds; or could it be my eyes?
Maybe its the continuous hours I spend at work. and while they have taken a huge toll on my body, I am distracted from other things going on (or not going on) around me and sometimes especially this time; that is a good thing. I have less time to think about the shit that's swimming in my head.
B says I beat myself too hard. And maybe I do, but I am the one who truly knows what's on my mind, and I know I need to be punished for this. It's probably the reason I am suffering right now.

On another note I have cut off some things for my life. I'm bila the time. I am too tired to pursue certain things... I have very little time on my hands and I cannot afford to spend it on... (Am I a lost cause? No. Not yet)
When I was younger I had an idea of wher I would be by this age... Lets just say, somewhere along the line I got screwed (I wish it was literally) but I'm not there. I guess I was too young or arrogant to forsee myself falling in certain areas in my life.
It reminds me of a comment a pal of mine made the other day. Dude, you're disturbed! When I asked them what they meant, they said "You've always been disturbed since I knew you Xys ago" They said this in jest, but they could not be closer to the truth...

Yeah this was a pretty morbid post... but who gives a fuck!!! Nobody's even reading this anyway

up and down.

Yeah it's one of those mornings. I do not particularly want to do anything, but as an employee I must turn up and work. It seems to me that my weekend has just followed me into Monday. Both the good and bad.

Saturday = the bad. I had a headache all of Saturday and didn't leave home because of it, the bloody thing seems to have found new life this morning, although with less strength. It's the pain in my eyes that is proving to be a challenge.
Sunday = the good. My sis took me out for burgers. a welcome delight given my low spirits. I then got home and watched a movie. This morning my boss commended me on a job well done... the boost I needed not to give him my resignation letter.

All in all I am greatful to be alive.

I know I have ignored the blog. A lot has changed causing me to ignore it. In part it is intentional in other part it is the effects of recent changes....  I care a bit less

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

the things we do

Let me begin by saying that I am not successful in relationships. My dismal record speaks for itself.
However, my failure has taught me a thing or two... and after all I am a man
I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day and he mentioned to me how he was putting a lot of effort into wooing a particular lady. We sat and shared stories of the silly things we did in the name of love; and they are crazy. From regularly crossing the country to flying a lady out of the country just to be together for a weekend. Yes when a man truly loves you he will do anything in his power to keep you by his side. He will miss work, take you out, pick you from work, and even juggle his calendar 20 times a day just to catch a moment with you.
So, ladies if your man isn't doing any of this things, it might be time to ask yourself a few questions.
However, please note that every man is different. For some, walking by your side is a big deal, because usually they'd walk half a step ahead of you. To others, carrying your handbag is a sure sign. At the end of the day, know your man and these things will become obvious to you.
I shall be letting out more secrets in due course.