Monday, October 31, 2011

Monday

Today was a strange Monday...

I woke up early. Usually I snooze my alarm for about half an hour before crawling out of bed, sometimes literally, in the direction of the bathroom. However, today I simply switched off the alarm and got up.

As I was brushing my shoes, I noticed a hole on the side. The leather next to the sole was cut.... It was one that I had been expecting for a few months now. I had worn this particular pair of shoes for several years. Today I finally bid them farewell. There would be no coming back form that. It was farewell.

I had breakfast. I have not had breakfast at home for a very very long time. I usually join the rest of the boys a work on the "bachelors line"  headed towards the tea lady asking for mandazis and other similar snacks.

I walked to more than one of my bosses offices. Like most people I don't like my bosses. I give them a wide berth because they love being treated like spoilt 3 year olds. Surely, you are a full grown independent adult, why the need for constant attention and the whining when it is not given to you?

I woke up expecting this Monday to be as rubbish as others, but I stand pleasantly surprised. It's as if I walked into this pleasant dreamlike state. I need it to stay so. Just long enough for me to regain my sanity.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

frustrated...

I am frustrated. Recent attempt to get certain things started have been failing. While my attempts at overcoming the thorn in my side have also fallen short (this is of particular worry to me as it is literally killing me with every passing day). This leaves me stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I cannot seem to go forward neither can I regress. I am motionless. I hate being at such a point.
A friend of mine once told me that when something like that happens to you, God is trying to point you in a certain direction. I have been waiting for this direction to be revealed to me, but all I keep ending up doing is going through a period of what is fondly referred to as "trials that build you up" I'm tired of these trials. How about a reward every now and then? Why do my smiles end in tears in almost every place I find myself.
I hear that a door shall be opened for me to go through, but in my case I see nothing. I'm alone in this dark room with no idea what to do. God knows I am not the most patient man, so why is he leaving me pulling out my hair like this. I cant take it any more I am just going to smash down one of these doors and go through. liwe liwalo!!

I am missing out. am I missing out?

This of course refers to the fact that I am a virgin. Yes!! I am a Kenyan man on the other side of 25 and I have never had sex with a woman. Any woman. There is a story behind that and today I will tell it.

It began with my upbringing. I was raised by parents who are staunch christians. They said that sex was the devils act (Picture Waterboy's mother) and if I indulged in it I would go to hell. So out of fear more than anything else I avoided it like the plague. Of course as a shy teenager, there wasn't much of an opportunity to have sex. I did not even know where to start. The holidays didn't provide an alternative either. Where we lived was quite a distance from anyone else. It was exciting to see anyone else close to my age leave alone have my mind wander about other things.
Meanwhile my friends in school had all started experimenting with girls. I call it experimenting because we really didn't have much of a clue what exactly was meant to happen. I was not easily influenced as I was the good christian boy who would run to the chapel more than the mandatory once a week. I viewed my body as a Holy temple. However, all this changed. It was a gradual thing that came to creep up on me not a very long time ago.

Till about a 2 years ago, I still found my virginity to be something to be proud of and while I remained the only one among the boys who had not done the deed, I was fairly self assured of myself and was not to be said. I was like the Roman Empire at its prime an immovable force. However like the kingdom of old, I began to crumble from the inside. It had to be a girl. And not just any girl, the first girl that I had seriously thought of as wife material.
She liked me and then rejected me. The worst bit was that she did it twice. I have never felt so much pain like I did from that break up. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I felt completely worthless and good for nothing to nobody a feeling that still lingers to this day. After the break up I took to solitude. Smiling with everyone during the day, putting up a strong front, but at night dying inside as I replayed the slow painful death of that relationship and other past rejections from other women who were quick to move on as if that period of happiness meant nothing to them.

My virginity no longer had any value. Because I no longer had any value. Where I once thought that it was worth saving for someone special someday, I stopped considering it as such. Who would want someone who had been discarded and rejected by 'everyone?' I know this was melodramatic, but that's what I felt. It didn't help seeing and hearing of people enjoy having sex with people they loved. While the closest thing I had was some fake ass porn movie and a bit of tissue to jerk off. I was left unwanted and unloved. It was Fucking painful.
To rub salt on wounds, my friends would invite me to one event after another (those couples things) where I would end up being the odd one out time and again. And I would have to make up silly excuses why I had to leave early, only to end up driving around the city or heading home to wallow. And all this time I had nobody to share this with....

I realise the story has moved from being about my virginity to that of a broken heart (much like my posts of late)
After a while I began to heal and met my B again. She helped me regain some of the confidence that I had lost and before I knew it I was in love again. I was in love with her. Here was a woman that I finally clicked with who made me feel AMAZING without even trying. And I poured out my heart to her. This is the onne who I would give everything..... If only she will let me.

This leads me to today.

Goodnight

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

i can't work like this

I work in an office with 4 other women and one dude!! The dude is on leave and I am left to wallow in stories about clothes, fashion, colour schemes and house cleaning. My only reprieve is my earphones. I am beginning to memorise all the rock songs on my computer!!
The other dude has been away for 2 days now, but it feels like a month. Previously, my sister had asked me why men can't hang out for a long time with a group of women and I couldn't come up with a solid answer. Probably due to the fact that I had already zoned out. However, if she was to ask me the same question today I believe I would have an answer.
It's not that we dislike women or cannot interact with them, but our views on life and living are as different as night and day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

moment of truth

This has not been the best of months by a long way. A lot of this is down to myself, but also I have been postponing many things. Things that I should have approached a long time ago, but decided to ignore hoping that somehow things will sort themselves out.... How wrong I was. Anyway. It is now crunch time and I have decided to bite the bullet.
The consequences might turn out to be more than I am willing to bear and I fear that I could lose B, the woman I love, in the process, but the fact that I love her means I must be willing to trust her and trusting her means be honest with her. I swore never to lie to her, and I haven't. However, I have just withheld things from her, things that I feel she should know before I am forced to lie about them.
It began yesterday and this morning I knew I needed to talk to her, I just didn't know where to start. I hate talking to people over the phone, there's something impersonal about it. I get the feeling that it is a bit cold. So, I need to have a sit down and open up my heart to her. Not just about how I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, even though I don't think she wants me, but about my fears and uncertainities and the shit that is my life. I need to put myself out there once more in my life; to lay my wares bare and pray...

a coloured screen

When I was younger, most cellphones that were in the market had a green screen. A few models came out with orange, white and even red screens, but for the most part all most people could afford was a single colour display. A while later, coloured screens were introduced and it became the in thing to have when buying a phone. Now, a coloured screen is common place and the expectations for what what a phone should have is much higher than ever. Those companies that meet the expectation of customers get their phones bought and those that don't lose out.
I guess it is the same for relationships we have. they start off pretty basic. We probably only expect someone to be courteous enough to say hi when you meet on the street, but If that relationship is to grow over a sustained period, so do the expectations of it. You want that person to seek you out in some way, whether to have a cup of coffee or go to a random gig. It is these moments that build relationships. When people actually seek each other out.
What happens when that doesn't happen? When you stop looking for one another, when this person who was so important in your life is no longer in your range of thoughts? What if you find that you're the one doing all the pulling, and the other party is less and less concerned with you? Do you give up? Do you let it die?
I recently watched a relationship go through the same motions. I saw it moving from a place where they were the light in each other's eyes to where they no longer talked and had no time for each other. I mean, we were at the same party and they barely shared a table. They didn't have any bad blood or fight over anything; by the time it was over, there was no passion for the job. It was just a slow painful death!!
How does it get to that point? How do you move from a point of having this person being the most important person in your life to not being worthy of a text? At what point do you give up?
I have been there in the past and experienced the pain of losing someone that way. It's a horrible place to be. It was like a disease eating away at the relationship day after day until you had nothing left. It is not a place I want to return to ever again. Or one that I want anyone to experience for themselves.

Friday, October 21, 2011

when things turn around

There are very few people around me who I interact with regularly and even fewer can actually tell when I am having a good day or pretending to have one.
Of late I have not been having good days. Instead I have been walking round as if  all is right with the world. Such is life. During this period, things took a turn for the worse and I made a few silly decisions that I know shall regret later, but have chosen to live with for now.
When I had almost hit bottom, I decided to cry out and wrote an open letter to God and asked him a few of the questions that were on my mind. I was surprised at his response. (Yes it has already started taking shape, but it is still not clear) This has led me to a point where I have paused at least momentarily, all this self pity and wallowing business. More on that later!!

I accept that I am broken, but the question I ask myself today, of what benefit am I if I stay in such a state? I don't know. What I know is that sometimes I just want to fully embrace pain. In a way, it is comforting, but staying there is definitely not a good thing.

On another note... I have been accused of being too nice in the past. Being the nice guy has won me plaudits all over the place, but they are just that plaudits; never amounting to anything but words of praise. A bit like best effort awards, or like the award they give football teams for fair play. It's an empty prize where everyone will acknowledge the good behaviour of the team in question, but as soon as the applause fades away the team is forgotten and everyone shifts their attention to the tournament winners. No wonder they say good boys finish last.
Today I acted in a manner that wasn't exactly nice. It wasn't me and I do not know why I did it. Somebody asked me for some help that involved a minor inconvenience, but I was obstinate and wouldn't budge. It wasn't the right or wrong thing to do as I had the option to refuse, but I didn't help. In my pragmatic thinking I was asking myself why they saw me as the only one, in a room full of people, who would be willing to be inconvenienced for their comfort... Do I really want to become that cold person? On the flip side; of what benefit is it to remain Mr. nice guy? Or should I stay nice considering I am already towing the line... Why struggle to not be last when it appears reserved for me?
Bloody hell!!!

My mind is scattered right now. So I shall not write any more. Good night

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

an open letter to God

We haven't talked lately. It's all my fault
I have been a bad man lately. and I have done this knowingly and willingly. I won;t use the excuse of being tempted by the devil. No!! This was all me. To be honest a part of me loved it. Especially the bit where I dug up old wounds poured vinegar on them and sat in the sun embracing the pain that I have so long suppressed. Pain that has grown with every disappointment, every heart break and the frustration of seeing my dreams take shape and then burst time and time again before my very eyes. This has made me in the words of another "see myself as less than I am"
I reached a point where I felt the worst feeling in the world. Not being unloved, but being unwanted. being loved to a limit. having a taste, but not the whole. It is said that it is better to have loved and lost. However, sometimes I think  it is better never to have known what love is, because you do not have to live through the pain of knowing the many chances you have seemingly lost.
When I was young. life was so simple. I had the whole world at my feet and I felt could achieve anything. as I grow older I realise that the world is a cold fucked up place. With lost of painful lessons. I know if I actually told them to some, they would regard them as nothing more than a nuisance, but these are my scars and this is my pain.
So tonight I come before you asking you why you made me the way you did. A person who walks with their heart on their sleeve. and seen me take turns that have had it cut up and bruised. And yet still have the foolishness to keep it there....
Is the message you are sending that I should hide it away? Or should I toss it by the wayside and continue this journey without emotion? Tell me what to do!! I am at the end of my line and I see no options not even one. I don't want to live with tears in the back of my eyes... It blurs my sight!! (hee hee)
There is much more in my heart, but I leave it there for now. The ball is in your court

Friday, October 14, 2011

the weekend of 15-16 October

I have kept away from the blog from a while very purposely. I have wanted to post, but even I didn't want to come back and reread what was on my mind. So, I kept away, hoping that this was just a phase, but I realise now that maybe it was meant to be....

Note 1
Have you ever felt a loss of self worth? I have. It's not a good thing when you realise that you have lost value in the eyes of anyone. It doesn't matter whether this person is your lover or your boss. there is a pain that goes through you when you see them looking at you and no longer valuing you as they used too. In a way you feel useless. I have been there before a few times and I sort of feel that way right now, but let us not get into the details. After all; it is my shit and I shall deal with it as I see fit.

Note 2...
Something I dislike in this world is being treated like a child. Not being babied, but rather being treated with kiddy gloves, as if I cannot handle whatever it is that this person is holding back from me. I get the feeling that the inevitable is bad thing that I fear or don't fear (I do not know which it is any more) about to happen, but every time I meet this person, they dance around the issue. I am left hanging. what the fuck do I look like a special case. Just fucking tell me already.

Note 3
Clearly I am in a bad mood. In fact bad doesn't start to describe me... I do not know what brought this all down.

Note 4
I want to fuck. I am horny and tired of waiting. So this weekend might be D-day or should I say F-day or S-day. Whatever!!! This was all triggered last week and well. it's been over 7 days and I still want to have sex.
Seeing as I have such supreme skills in attracting the female gender I believe that I can get laid this weekend. It will only cost me between 500 and 1000 shillings, less accommodation expenses. Yes it shall be a hooker. that is because there is not a woman in this world that would be willing to sleep with me. And I do not blame them.
I am not really a looker, neither am I charming enough. All I hear from my female friends is that I am a nice guy who deserves a good girl who will come along... I carried those words in my heart..... No I am not going to go there. That's just going to open up things that I do not want to get into.

Fuck this. Where's my bottle of wine. Tonight I might drink for the first time in a long time.... Good night.

Thursday, October 06, 2011

a shite post

This was going to be a shite post.... I had all the anger desperation and emotions rolling around in me. the gun was loaded and cocked, but he gun was at home. At some point I wasn't going to do a post, but than some security guard pissed the hell out of me that I just had to post... the dude wanted to lock us into a compound just because of his own stupidity. Bastard!!
This, coupled with my ever increasing loss of self worth (I am not even going to begin that story. I could be here all night.) and we would have had a post and a half. Full of tears pain and anguish, but I think someone out there has me in their prayers. I managed to sweep all my shit back under the rug. so we are good for now.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

the dark side

I am not in a good place. I seem to find myself at a crucial point in my life. I have two choices to make: To follow the path that I know that I should follow, that which God wants me to, but somehow I feel inclined to walk the devils path.
Why? You might ask? Why would I want to walk down a dimly lit path full of pain and anguish. Well, it is definitely not to spit in the face of all those who would want me on the right path, but rather that I am and slowly have been giving up on my chances of making something in my life.
The greatest tragedy here is knowing what you could have accomplished, or maybe are still able to, but not going for it. Losing that spirit that says I ant to be a winner. That's just sad!!
I have not yet made a decision to take that path and I shall probably seek the lighted path.
However, on a night like this I do not see why I should take the well lit path; one that I have sought to follow all my life, but has ended up giving me so much hurt and pain. Pain that still lies in my heart.
These are swords that lie somewhere inside that poke me every time I try to take a breathe and love again. Deep things that I have never shared with anyone, leave alone even writing them down in this blog. There is still a dark corner in my heart that I haven't let anyone into. My B has caught a glimpse of it, but I don't think she knows what she saw then. After all I must remain strong in her eyes. I cannot be seen to be weak. especially not now. So all that I do is end up pissing her off (like today) which is something that tears me apart, but to sit and tell her this... No. It is foolishness in the eyes of man.
It was that dark place where these feelings lie that I visited this evening for the few minutes I was in the shower. The world turned black, emotions swept back into me only to seemingly be washed down with the soapy water. It is what actually led me to write this post. I am so tired... I really need to tell someone about this. It has been eating me up inside for years. But who? I cannot tell B or Slim. B is an involved party and Slim is... well I won't tell him.
Crap. God give me a way out. You've done it before do it again

Monday, October 03, 2011

late night post

I am tired and sick. I seem to be coming down with a cold and the worst days of these month are still before me. yes I am acutely aware that it is only the 3rd. This bloody cold has been threatening since Friday. Where the hell did it come from? However, in the spirit of being positive, I remain grateful for the blessings that God has put in my life.

Today I got the results of an assignment that I did at the very last minute... and I had done exceptionally well. Of course the word well is relative. Let's just say I surpassed my expectations. which is a good thing.
Funny thing. Some chic tried to play that guilt trip nonsense on me after class. too bad she doesn't know that she's dealing with me. I really don't care much for that. In fact I am rarely moved by such actions. So if one has ever taken me on a guilt trip, they truly matter.

In other news: It has been a rather hectic month. At some point I celebrate one more year since my birth. The celebrations were low key, just the way I like them. none of that 1000 posts on FB and millions of calls/texts. just the few that remembered. I enjoyed myself.
I especially enjoyed the bit where my B got me the biggest cake that I have ever been given in my life. Yes my B. It was humongous. And knowing the strings that she had to pull to get it I was really moved. truly truly. And to top it all off she kissed me goodnight... I almost proposed.
It also dawned on me that I am at a stage where not many people make a big deal about your birthday. If you want a big deal made you should throw the party yourself. It's called growing up. Sad really.