Thursday, November 24, 2011

a complete picture of me?

I am the kind of person who talks to many people sharing many tit bits of my life with anyone who'd bother to listen to me. Yet I have somehow mastered how to do this and leave people completely clueless as to who I truly am. A friend of mine once realised this when they met me at a function with a mutual friend who they described as "The last person I'd expect you to know" and this trend follows in several ways.

The people at the church where I go to think of me as a lovely God-fearing young man. They think I am passionate about the things of Christ and all. In fact when I missed church for most of this month they thought I had gone to seek nourishment elsewhere. If only they knew the only nourishment I sought was under my blankets. In reality I go to church to remind myself of my maker. However every time I turn up and tell people praise the Lord, I feel that little voice in my head saying "Liar! You're a hypocrite" And I do agree with it to some sense. I shouldn't be there. At least not in a leadership position especially after how I have spent some of my Saturday nights. I should be the guy who always arrives late, sits at the back and leaves early to avoid being invited to one church meeting after another.

Office people know me in different ways. Some see me as an extremely rude person who takes no prisoners in the office... And as one person commented I seem to be a snob. I like that. It keeps people off my business. Others think that I am this quiet guy at work, but an absolutely wild man outside the four formal walls. It must be the eye bugs that I sometimes have in the morning when I turn up to work.
Yet others think that I am a genius at my work and nobody apart from me can sort them out. Hahaha!!! these are the ones who I bullshit the most; just for Kicks!!!

My family knows me almost in the same way my church does with a bit of an exception.

Fucking Bastards called Kenya power cut out electricity. I shall continue this post later!!!

Monday, November 07, 2011

i still

When I woke up this morning I knew I had to post something. I did not know what I would put up and the content of what I wanted to post changed as often as the hours in the day, but one thing was constant what, or rather who was on my mind. It might not be the best thing to do, but I have tried what I think is safe and it's freaking boring so let me dive in head first...

I still wake up and want to see you face 
I still long for you every morning I pass outside your place 
I still want to call you the moment I get to work, just so that I can start my day 
I still want to text you and hear from you. Even a hi would brighten my day 
I still daydream about hold you in my arms as my mind drifts off in the afternoon heat 
I still recall fond memories of us together when life was much simpler and hell didn't exist 
I still smile by myself as I walk to the bus stop remembering the way you make me feel 
I still long to talk to you all night as I once used to do (It seems like decades ago) 
I still want to hear the laughter of children, your children...yours and mine 
I still want to kiss you goodnight. You are my B 
I still fall asleep you praying that somehow when I awake, tomorrow will be the day you will be mine 
I still dream of us travelling across the world together just you and I

And I know you want all these things. You want to be loved again. You want a husband that treats you right and children who you can raise to be like you. But I also know you don't want all of them now. Yes to the kids; no to the man. You probably don't want them with another, I don't suffice. It is possible that I shall always want what I can never have when it comes to you, apart from seeing you happy.

I know that at this point I've fucked up this poem....but you know what matters is that despite all this I only want you to be happy. I've tried to pull away from you and deny my feelings. It didn't work. Three years wasn't enough to drive me away from you, I fell for you the moment I laid my eyes on you again. I will still strive to be there for you as a friend nothing more. But remember this, (I know you'll kick my ass for this one) the heart wants what the heart wants; and it wants you.
I still love you