Monday, December 24, 2012

Mi Lady M

My Dearest Lady M
It has been a long time since I last wrote to you. Long being a few hours since I sent you a message on Whatsapp. Time apart from you seems to be a lifetime when it comes to you. And who can blame me? I have the most wonderful girlfriend; one who I did not even think to wish for, but one who is truly a gift from God in my life. That is why I dance every time I see you. It is a reflection of the joy within me that I cannot contain
To say that you have made me happy is a statement of the obvious.
At the beginning of the year I would never have imagined that I would be calling you my girlfriend and that I would be this happy. I hoped, but I never imagined. Back then, I only had what I thought was a crush. That is why when I say that I am blessed it is beyond what I could have hoped for.
The year that has passed has seen a few highs and lows for the two of us. Going through this has brought us to where we both are. It has made us stronger and closer to not only each other, but also to God who we ultimately had to depend on.
If God will it, I want this to go on for a long time; a very long time. I want to share the rest of my life with you. My life. Not moments or periods of good times, but everything. Every living moment of it that God gives me on this earth.
I know all this may sound deep and is probably quite a mouthful for you take up, but you know where it comes from. I am in love with you. That is one thing that you should not doubt at all. And I plan to show it to you as much and as often as you allow me. (I know my mushiness needs some brakes sometimes) I plan to be there.
Thank you for coming into my life and filling it with such joy. Thank you for accepting me as I am and not judging or questioning me. But moving past all my imperfections and taking me as I am. For I know I am a flawed person, but you make me want to get better and be better. And that was before I even called you my girlfriend.
Given the season, I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas. May you share love laughter and happiness with your family.

With warmest regards,
Your Baby

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

I know how I got here and I do not want to leave

I have often been in denial of the things that I do when I am in relationships or when I am into someone. Once the initial dust settles I often look into the mirror and ask myself who I have turned into. I surprise myself every single time with what I am willing to go through for the girl I am into.

However, with Lady M this is slightly different, and that is a good thing; a very good thing. I am into Lady M; a person whom I honestly could not have imagined being with. Not that I did not try, I did. But there was a time it was dead, finished, not even on the rocks or shipwrecked. The ship had not even left port. It is literally by the grace of God that today I can call her my girlfriend. :-)

It does not surprise me the things I am willing to do and go through for her. I amaze myself that I can instantly turn into a ball of mushiness when I am with her, but I am not surprised, and if you ever get to know her you shall realise this;  there is something very special about her. And until today I do not know what. I can't quite put my finger on it or express it. It's more than an emotion, more than I can put into words, something that I have experienced with her.

At first it was her looks that captivated me. I was completely taken by her. You cannot help but notice that that beauty goes much deeper than her beautiful smile or those captivating eyes that light up when she is happy. Or the small sigh she makes when she is completely ecstatic. (I will never forget the time you drove us to Limuru. That was an amazing day)

After being captured by her beauty, I was further pulled in by her mystery. I got the feeling that there was much more to her than I initially saw. Like she was this completely different side of her. Don't get me wrong, she isn't two faced, she is deep.

But there are many people that I know that are deep, I being one of them. However, I came to realise that it is not just her depth that makes her special, It is something more. It is the experience with her. She is like a drug, a taste of life with her and I got addicted. It is this person called Lady M

the person who cares for people way much more than normal people do. 
the artist who pains beautiful pictures in her mind and occasionally puts them down on paper.
the lady, who doesn't need to raise her voice to win a fight.
the person who still enjoys watching club kiboko on a random Saturday morning
the person who is totally taken by a waterfall and nature's beauty
the lady who enjoys hot chocolate at a simple cafe over a espresso at a big hotel
the lady who is allowed to be completely selfish with her life, but has given more of herself than most people will ever know.
who can survive life's nuclear bombs and come out smelling of roses.
the person I have lost countless bets to and even when they are all paid back, I will still owe for the joy of paying them back.

This is the amazing woman that I am falling in love with. I asked for her. I prayed to God for her and when the time was right we were together. That is why I say I know how I got here and I do not want to leave

strange turns and thoughts creeping in the back of my mind

Life is interesting. What's new?
Whenever I find myself falling into a certain rhythm or routine that has all the makings of comfort and lethargy, it isn't long until life throws me a curve ball and I am caught in the excitement of living all over again. My entire life has been like this that I cannot bear routines. I constantly crave something different even if I have to create the situation myself.

Yesterday was one of those days. I left the office as usual with the intent of getting on a bus and heading home. I was feeling a bit tired and looked forward to my bed and the comfort that it offered. when I got to the bus stop, there were no buses and I did not feel like standing around to wait for one, so I decided to slowly begin walking towards home and possible catch a bus somewhere along the way.

A couple of songs later I found myself almost half way home and decided to finish the journey on foot. It would be a first from me. The last time I had made such a walk I was in primary school, almost two decades ago A change on routine would not hurt.

After a few more Kilometers I came to this junction which offered me two alternative routes to go home. the first was a to continue going straight and branch off much later on the road. The second, was to take a left turn and walk and follow the curve of the road again still leading me home. The second route was cooler as it had more trees and shade while the first was a straight shot. I could almost see my turn off at the top of a slope about 1500 meters away. In my wisdom, I opted to go straight. Why? because it was a less dusty route and had less people. I should have looked at my feet first.

I was not fully convinced that that was the route that I should take, but I quickly dismissed that thought. After all there was no logical reason that came to mind to change my route. I had already began to go straight.

At the turn off from the main road I received a message on my phone that immediately made me realise the error of my ways. My love, Lady M and I had passed each other headed in the opposite direction. she had used the alternative route, but we were too far apart for me to consider trying to chase her. :-(

I realised then how much I actually miss her.... and it is those words that lead me to my second post of the day.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

we have a train yipee, but wait

Yes, this article is a bit of a rant. However, before you begin to throw stones at my magnificent glass house, please take a moment to hear out my thoughts on the matter.

Yesterday the H.E. Mwai Kibaki officially opened the Syokimau railway station, the first of several planned stations in what is called Greater Nairobi Commuter Rail Services. A good step in beginning to solve the urban transport chaos in the city of Nairobi. I would love to see this idea succeed, but right from the launch a few things have made me doubt that this was a project that was well thought out to the detail. The devil does really lie in the details.

First, The cost.
Who was this service aimed at? Kenyans across all classes, or the few that are able to afford a vehicle already? As per this article on today's Daily Nation, people had long looked forward to this service, but  the cost of fares is likely to prohibit frequent use of the trains. Here is why
Assuming one is to pay the train fare of Ksh200 plus an additional Kshs 50 (estimated) to connect from the station to their home daily, for 5 days in a week. the cost in a month (20 days) would be Kshs 5,000 on transport. This is opposed to the current cost for that same distance at Kshs 2800 taking the bus fare figure of Kshs 140 per day. The argument many would pose is that it reduces the time spent on traffic is reduced by 75%, well the cost of that reduction is 78% increase in transport cost. Is that affordable to the common man? I think not.

Second, timing.
I love trains because they do not have traffic jam issues related to them. However, because they have to stick to schedules, they can be a bit rigid. a good way to counter this is to have several trips running all day. the frequency can reduce during the day when there is less passenger traffic. At 5 trips in the morning and evening, the current train service does not offer enough trips to and from town especially in the evening. The train is said to have its last trip at 6:35pm from town. That is way too early. We have thousands of commuters who flock bus stages all the way until 8:00 pm some students, others are working late in offices and shops while others are on dates with significant others, the list goes on and on. For these night creatures, the train becomes irrelevant to them should they need to pursue whatever evening activity their hearts desire.

Third, Amenities
As someone pointed out, the closest footbridge is about 3 Kilometres away; towards the end of Mlolongo township. For the person who may wish to take a walk either to or from the station, it will definitely involve a hop and skipped beat of the heart as one tries to get across Mombasa road.
How about security? Currently the station is sort of in the middle of nowhere, Is there adequate security for passengers, as well as the staff there?
How about the schedule? We have been dependent on newspaper reports to find out anything and everything about the train schedule. As at the point of writing this article, there is no schedule up on the Kenya Railways website on the train schedule, how to use the turnstiles, costs of tickets, where to buy them, means of payment e.t.c. To make the process go smoother it would be good to educate passengers on how the system works. Kenya Railways needs to be proactive and not wait for media to volunteer the little time they have left after covering our politicians to show us how it is done.

I do not want to be the wet blanket to the progress being shown by the government, however I will not sit back and applaud what seems to me to be a half done job. If you're going to do something go all out and do it properly and to completion.

May the stone throwing begin

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


If I could name the  later part of this year is, I would call it transitions. A lot has happened in the last month, since October and it has changed my life completely for the better

The changes have come in so fast, I am surprised that things have turned out they way I think that have.

  • I managed to step down from a position that I held in a certain organisation after waiting for about 4 months to finish up.
  • I am in the process of moving jobs and my new role looks very promising and exciting. I finally get responsibility as well as authority to do my work
  • I am getting my investments aligned properly. They were not in shambles, but they were also not focused. It means not having emotions when it comes to money matters.
  • I finally found an idea that I am passionate about and would like to pursue and see where it leads
  • and the best part: I am in a relationship with Lady M. Every day I continue to be amazed by this woman. Where was she all this time?
All this is a true blessing from God. I cannot thank him enough for the favour he continues to shower om my life daily.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

what it was

It was a piece of cake that took us to that cafe; her craving for coffee and some lovely company that brought us together that evening; my need to see her who I'd not seen in a day that brought me running out of the office

It was a silly children's song that we shared that lifted our spirits; one that brought a smile to both our faces

It was my blubbering mouth that turned the situation sour; my silly confessions that made us get up and leave

It was her simple suggestion to sit on a park bench that brought some calm and brought some small peace to my troubled heart

It was the "ninja jumper" that made us laugh out loud; our theories on the office roller bladers that kept us there for hours; observations on bird toilets and men caressing their legs; until the 20 bob lady made her rounds past us and it was time to go

It was a cool breeze that brought her goose bumps; a great excuse to hold her in my arms.

It was her who kept me there not wanting to ever let go; her warmth and her presence that made that evening beautiful again

Monday, October 29, 2012

happiness and the cost of it

There are days when you sit back and realise that you are happy. This, a Monday; of all days, is one of them After the weekend that was, I realise how happy I am and how much God has blessed me with his gifts.
I managed to spend time with some of the closest people in my life, My family and friends. I loved it. One person I got to spend quite a bit of time with was Lady M. She's brought so much joy into my life and the choices I have made as a result of my feelings for this amazing woman are the reason for this post.

When I decided that it was Lady M. I wanted in my life, it automatically meant that I had to distance myself from other women to some level. This has not been taken well in two instances, but I had to. Lady M is now my no.1 and it needs to be clear. It is not easy to keep away from close friends, but it is necessary both for me and them. And at the end of the day I believe that it is worth it. She is worth it

As often happens in my life, I managed to get myself in a few sticky situations in the past month. I have had a to face up to people and continue to do so on various things in my life. I has not been without its share of pain and tears. Both on my part and on others. Some friendships with the female gender have had to be distanced while others are on the rocks. I would not like them to die, but I at this point I can only do so much

I have had to shoot down people's opinions regarding in my life particularly on relationships. There were suggestions that I should go out with a certain person called K, but I never felt her. I went on to be accused of leading her on. In my honest opinion, I didn't. I did not even hint at having anything more with her apart from mere friendship, but a talk with an older man this past weekend gave me insight that the way I treated this friend of mine might have made her feel special. I take some of the blame for that, but have no remorse for trying to be a good friend. The problem here is that her friends encouraged her that I liked her despite my denial of the same severally. In truth I should have split when I first heard this, but didn't. Tough!

I shall continue to live this life and make the best of what God has given me, especially the friendships. I am neither a saint nor a perfect gentleman, but I do try to be the best me I can be.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

we really don't care

I am neither an avid lover nor follower politics; especially Kenyan politics. However I cannot ignore the importance that it has on my life. I believe that it is one thing to have and express an opinion that is either for or against a certain ideology and another thing entirely to live in ignorance of the impact of politics in the community.

Recent events in the country have made me more sensitive as to whether we the politicians vying for this country's highest office, the presidency have any agenda whatsoever for this country. By that I do not mean having a nicely written manifesto as part of the requirements for their political party to be registered, but whether they themselves personally have a clear vision for their future of the country.

It does not end there. Having a clear vision is one thing (and it is a good thing). But I need to see a demonstration that they also have the a track record of results. Not words and charisma to pull crowds, but actual results that have achieved something in their present community in regards to either education, health, agriculture, employment etc.I could go on and on with this rant, but I think you get the picture.

So, I went online and came across an interview on BBC's Hard Talk where Musalia Mudavadi, presidential aspirant, was put on the spot as to whether he really represents change among other things. I believe these are some of the things the local Kenyans should be exposed to. Not because of the embarrassment that the interviewee went through in this interview, but because real questions are asked, like why an MP, when he bothers to show up in parliament,  sits on a chair that costs $3000 money that could better be used to build schools, hospitals that are badly needed by the common man.

You and I need to make sure that such simple truths get out there for the people. However, I believe that those of us in the know lack the will  to share this information. We are either too lazy or don't care enough.

To download the clip of Musalia's interview (fumble) follow the link below:

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

too many women part 2

The title of this blog is all wrong. It suggests that there are too many women in my life in a negative sense.
I have a problem in that I have gotten myself mixed up with two different women who I both care deeply about; B and Lady M. Keeping along this path would have ended up hurting either one of them both and making them hate me.

And I cannot bring any more pain in their lives. I know them and what they have gone through and continued going through.

I have made what is the most difficult decision ever regarding these women in my life. And by far the most painful. To decide to step away from the company of those that you care very deeply about is by no means easy. I did not know that it would hurt this much. I cannot concentrate on my work at all. I cannot even eat anything. Right now I wish I could undo the last 2 hours of my life just so that those tears that I have brought would never be shed, but that would be wrong. Better that they be shed now rather than be done later and completely tear someone's heart out.

I have been suffering with the weight of this for a long time, but it had to be done.I should never have allowed things to get to this point. I should never have done this, I messed up and two people I love are hurting and it is all my fault.I am to blame. Not my B not Lady M.

If there is a time I really need God to come through it is now.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

too many women part 1

It has been quite a while since I looked at this blog leave alone wrote down a post of any kind . This is possibly because I have been quite busy working at building this lovely nation called Kenya.

In the time I have been away life has also gotten quite complicated. Lady M and I had a break of sorts, but it seems as if we are back. She does not seem to know what she wants, so I am leaving her to make up her mind. Take this for instance; The other day, she saw me with another lady and decided to catch feelings and leave the venue like she had been hurt. Then I met her briefly the very next day and she wanted to hang out for an extended period. She seems to want me there, but not want me. Decisions need to me made

Lady M seems to be the tip of the iceberg. The number of women in my life have exploded quite a bit leaving me quite confused. First they are all wonderful women. I like them all, however each one has this one small thing or the other that goes against them. There are character differences, which I cannot take, but in two cases in particular it is more of the situations that they find themselves in that would make me and them not happen.

Being the long winded person that I am, I would love to get into details on what is actually going on, but there is a good football game on the Telly and the half time break is over. So I shall put this post up as part 1 and follow up with a part 2 as a conclusion. Back to football...

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

my B

I made a promise to my B that I would put up this post.
That is the only thing that has me awake at this hour. While my body screams for the rest and sleep it so desires and deserves, I stay awake for the third night in a row. At least this time it is for something good...

I have wanted to post for a while now, but after recent events my mind was not where it ought to be. Every time I sat down to write I would fill pages with lots of emotions of anger, pain disappointment and confusion. I could not finish a single post without having my mind wander all over the place. It was not a good place to be.

My best friend, who I told everything is no longer there like she used to be. I want to call her and talk to her about things like I used to, but on that fateful Saturday evening something broke and it has yet to be repaired. A basic job has been done with some tape and the cracks and scars are still very much existent underneath...
Why does this haunt me so much?

In other news, I seem to reach new levels of loathing my job every day. I stick to it because, well, I have bills to pay. If it wasn't for this thing called school I would not be here right now. I would be far away from my employer. It has began to hit me of late that I made a mistake 4 years ago when I joined this place. I should have left in that first week. My problem is that I actually thought I could be of some use and do something  of sense. How wrong was I? Fast forward 4 years later and I cannot see what value I have gained here. I am stuck doing things I do not enjoy; for people I do not like and who enjoy frustrating me and with people who don't seem to care in the same way I do. It is a poisonous environment. I must get out.

At this very point as I sit on this couch, I have tears at the back of my eyes. Why? Is it because I am enduring some great pain or sorrow? No. That I can do. Not easily but it's possible. It's because every other day I meet this cook who laughs and makes jokes at his work place... nothing major. It's actually quite a humble job, but it seems to bring happiness and value in his life. Or maybe he is like me smiling on the outside as he dies on the inside like me

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

it's not fear that grips him. Only a heightened sense of things

That has to be one of my favourite movie quotes ever. In case you were wondering, it came from the movie 300 which I watched again this weekend. How I wish those words were true in my life. I have learnt a lot of things from movies; one of them being how to make French toast. I kid you not. I have learnt about patience, perseverance and the value of hard work. Yes I do find value in movies.

While watching the movie, under the influence of some Martini, I noticed how the story continuously referred to acts of braveness and heroism.With lines such as "To die in service of Sparta was considered the greatest glory" or "Spartans never retreat, Spartans never surrender" It makes me wonder if I would have survived during such times. When men we considered to be men.

I speak as one who has lived in fear for all my life. I have feared what people would think about me. Feared being rejected by those I care for. Fear of achievement, fear of change... I have been crippled by it. Had I been born a Spartan boy, I might not have made it to my teens leave alone go for an the initiation ceremony into a man.

The very existence of this blog is as a result of fear. I do not believe that I shall be accepted by people therefore I hide here and choose to show this side of me to an anonymous public. The truth however is, the people that I think about as I write these words are the very people I hope would be able to see and accept this side of me. No questions asked.

This fear has made me lose out on life. I've lived a life of regret not out of what I have done, but rather what I haven't. This includes decisions that I made as recently as two weeks ago, but could not follow up. Why? I gave every excuse in the book; bad timing, not the right place, my own shit e.t.c. but in the end it was all about fear... of the one I like? Pathetic.

Only under the influence of alcohol could I ask someone out. And even then, I still stood a fair bit of distance away from her for fear that she would mistake the loud beating of my heart with wild drums.

Why has this thing called fear gained such mastery over me? Why do I flinch so early, whenever I have stood up to face these fears, things have gone well. Not perfect, but well.

This weekend could mark a significant milestone in my life either way. I plan to stand in front of a woman probably the most amazing woman I have ever met and ask her a tough question. Not that the question is tough, but rather that to me, the act of asking that question is like me facing Goliath.
Goliath is merely a long evening shadow that I can see from around the corner. Real problem is much much shorter. It is probably wounded and dying. A single blow (my action) would kill him off, but I still picture a 12ft warrior who only exists in my imagination.
Her "Yes" or "No" could either make or break my heart. That is part of what I fear, but if I do not stand up and do it, then I do not deserve the happiness I know I would have if I have her by my side.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

chasing the rainbow

Legend has it that at the bottom of the rainbow lies a pot of gold. It is also said that one can never chase a rainbow and catch it.
Of late, I think of myself as that person who's chasing the rainbow, but not catching it. I have been reaching and grasping for things and it is as if they do not want to be caught. And whenever I seem come close, they run away.
Do you have this friend of yours who is not really your friend? You ignore their calls at any time of the day or even reply their text 3 days later. This person has not necessarily done anything to rub you the wrong way or offended you either personally or impersonally. It's nothing personal, you just don't feel their vybe... Ever!!
I feel like that person right now. Not to say that my friends have put me aside and ignored me, but rather that I seem to be a reacher of things without having them reach out to me. There is no mutual point of attraction.

There is much more I want to say, but I cannot find the words right now...

A strange thing has just hit me. I want a kiss. Just one kiss that means something to the other person.

Friday, June 22, 2012

bored stiff... (pun intended)

Of late I have hit a state of boredom. Very little excites me in my daily routine. There are very few things that have me looking forward to them; Talking my sis or Lady M, who happens to be the latest reader of this blog. I sold it to her quite easily... (Story for another day)
With this boredom my mind wanders all over the place; into the gutter out of it, digs a new gutter and wanders in and out of it. According to the lovely Lady M, men think of sex about once every 5 minutes... This is possibly true, given the gutter analogy I have just used, you and I would rather not talk about my sexual fantasies and imaginations.
The thing that has been most on my mind is the state I find myself in. I cannot call myself unhappy. I am happy, but I sat and reflected on what plans I had for my life and how far I have come to achieving them and realised I have not gone really far at all. I possibly hit period of depression and walked around with a cloud hanging over my head for a few hours. So, I decided to do the few things that I know are bound to lift my spirits and was done with the sadness of life bit.
I have however not run away from the issue, just from the sadness. One thing I realised however is that while I may feel that I am still moving along life at 20Km/hr I have moved along quite a bit in some things... I have the most amazing family and friends without whom my life would crumble and I still have a link with God. It is not a strong one, but it is existent.
I have not sold my soul for money or power as I have seen some of my friends do. I can walk down the street and be proud of who I am.
The most important thing that I realise is that I am a different person than I was 5 years ago. Things that I considered must haves and important are not as important as they used to be.
I realise that the people around me are more important than material the things I own. I would rather go skint making the people close to me happy and have them feel like the goodness that I see in each and every one of them every day.I would rather be with these people who accept my current banged up and damaged version than try to work my way to impress those who would not give me a second look if I did not fit their definition of success.

Writing this post has set a good tone for the weekend which I shall thoroughly Enjoy.... To all the worries and problems in my life I use the not so famous quote by Pain..."Shinra Tensei!!!"

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

that title I forgot

I have been writing this post for the last few weeks. I never put a word on paper or electronic ink, I've been writing it in my head. As I walk around, talk to people sometimes when I zoned out... I thought of the words I wanted to put down.

I have come to a place where I have decided to get past the shackles that have held me back for a while. I realise the mountain that lies before me and the effort that it will take to get over it. It is going to be long journey, but one which I must take to live life to its fullest.

I have forgotten how I wanted to put down the words rather than what I really wanted to say. I shall return soon.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

i love you

You'd think I would have the courage to say these words to you, or to sit down and write a long winding letter of how my heart feels about you. Maybe I would take the next step and write a song and sing it to you in front of a crowded gathering, but no, I choose to write it here to hide these words here in a place where you may never see these words.

I choose not to say these words to you because of the implications that they would bring. I would rather love you and be silent than tell you and lose you. I have lost quite a few people in that sense. These were people who I told those words but who were unable to say them back either because they did not feel the same way or saying them would lead me to expectations that they were not ready to fulfill. I do not blame them.

I have borne my heart to a few people so please understand where I am coming from as I seek to guard it this time round. Although it is bruised and battered... They say once bitten twice shy

However, I cannot hide what I feel for you. not to say it is a lie, but to hide it completely is a crime on which I do not want to be punished for. I choose to show you this love by being there for you. Both in the happy times and the bad times. I shall be the friend you always dreamt of, but never had. I shall show you how a real man ought to treat you and make you feel without expecting anything back. Make you feel like the queen I see you to be.

I say this words with a heavy heart well aware of the risk I face that I could very well lose you. I live with this knowledge in mind; that if the times lead you into the arms of another you can at least go guilt free having never heard those words from my lips to your ears. Having experienced what you know you deserve...
I shall cry but for a day and like the mist disappear in the rays of the sun. Not to be missed or given second thought. If that is to be the fate of my life, I shall accept its burden and the pain that comes with it.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Mr Atwoli you are Wrong

I have not bitched about Kenyan politics in a while. Come to think of it, I haven't even posted in a while. I doubt I was missed seeing as this blog is one of the more famous out there. anyway I was Listening to the radio today (Capital FM)  and the presenters were talking about a certain Mr. Atwoli's speech that put the labout minister on the spot. So the presenters put the question out there to the public, "Do you support Mr Atwoli's stance on the NHIF rates?"
To my surprise a lot of people support the strike notice. They are complaining that the increase in rates to be paid is too much. What the hell? A lot of this buggers will spend that amount of money in an instant having lunch, watching a movie or having a drink. They forget that the purpose of this money is to provide healthcare to the Kenyans who cannot afford to go to a private hospital every time a pimple appears on their skin.
Atwoli's actions do not support the lower cadre worker since that is who I suppose he represents when he stands on that podium. This worker is the one that cannot afford decent medical care and is at the mercy of  government  health institutions which are understaffed poorly equipped and the doctors and nurses underpaid. Now the increase in the NHIF fund will not afford the night watchman at XYZ security company or factory worker the ability to take themselves to Nairobi hospital's private wing (If there's one) or take his wife to deliver at Princess Zahra at AgaKhan, But it will allow the government the ability to raise the quality of medical services to a position where they can be said to be decent.
And I know that some will argue with the age old excuse that the money is headed to line people's pockets or to be used for the upcoming political campaigns, but I counter it with this, we are the same people who work in these so called corrupt government institutions and if it is not us it is our friends or family. So if any one is going to steal and benefit from the stolen funds it is us. The fingers we point at others are pointed right back at us. "Let him who is without sin cast he first stone."
Please let us not let our brothers be fooled by this so called saviour calling for a strike. I do not often say this; in fact I don't believe that I have, but "Mr Atwoli you are wrong."

Friday, March 30, 2012

the smotherer part 2

Where was I? Ah! Yes! 100 words to fill the silence.... That tactic never works. What it does is lead to panic settings. Yes; that's right. If you want to make Tomas panic, be silent. From this point on its all down hill. A poorly thought out comment may be said, or an over composed text sent. Often at this point paranoia set in a long time ago and what's left is second guessing my every move and interpreting her every action or inaction. It's a fucking mess... This is a point I have rarely brought myself back from. It takes the hand of another.

Often that other is the lady in question. she is the source of my anxiety after all. Often some words of reassurance go a long way. A simple gesture such as a reassuring hug or look from her eyes will set all the demons to flight. but in some cases, the action never came or was too late. The result? A loss. A loss of a friendship over something that wasn't.... FUCK!!

If only I'd relax. However of late I am more in control of the thoughts in my mind. I have less and less wild ideas of what might be or could be or could have been. I calm down quickly. Often heading to the tiny cove in a warm place in my mind . reassuring myself that all will indeed be well. And you know what? It is.

For I am still here and I am still alive.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

the smotherer

Yes, yet another post about my absentee love life.  Oh well It is my blog after all
I have this tendency to smother those that I develop feelings for. whenever I fall for someone and the accept my advances, I get really excited. I guess this comes from my childhood. I was not one of the boys girls dreamt of. I was, for a very long time, a nice guy. the one who could help you with your homework. Or the one who you could ask whether another dude liked you. So, whenever a girl accepts my company I go over the moon. That marks the Genesis of the problem.

I love to push the limits. Especially in the things that I enjoy. And when that happens to be me enjoying someone's company I seek them out as much as I can. I can spend 7 days hanging out with you and even though yes it will get boring at some point, I am cool with it. I feel no pressure to act in a certain way.

However, I sometimes forget that not everybody is as awesome as me. So I can chill with someone for a whole weekend and then text/call them every day for an extended period (daily) till the next time I see them. The problem is that sometimes I have nothing to say (and it shows) So I end up calling someone and there's that awkward silence. which I promptly fill with 1000 stories.... To be continued

Saturday, March 24, 2012

the foreign post

As always I cannot fin an appropriate title, so I decided on that one. mostly because I am going doing this from someone else PC rather than mine. Oh well.....
I haven't written for a long time probably because life has been generally good and BUSY!!! Mostly busy. I don't want you to have the impression I only come here out of depression.

So, what has happened in the last few months? Not much.I have been living a lot of the routine but not skulking through my days. However as always I am seeking the attention of a lady. A good one who I can dote on and can be my "Other half" as some would put it. I want to once again enjoy the love and affection that can only be shown by another woman. I want the attention that comes with it.

Recently I got the chance to hold a lady's hand. It was beautiful, affectionate and there were some feelings there, but ut was short lived. Me and her just happened to be in that place where we both needed someone to be there; someone you could hold onto if only just for that evening. As soon as dawn broke the next day reality checked back in and we I was back to my lonely self.

I am lonely yes, but I do not spend my nights thinking of a lost love or mopping about with a cloud around my head. I am actually enjoying some of the best times of my life....and it's infectious. Some people who have known me for longer have noted that I seem to be filled with this fresh wind in my sails. I like it. It's thank partly to Slim, Kitten, LW and Lady M. They have helped me piece things back together. even though two of them are completely clueless of their powerful influence.

I thank God for these friends. He has truly blessed me!

Funny thing...remember this post well that new friend turned out to be Lady M. Go figure!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I have not posted in a while

I have not been to this blog for the better part of this month. I have put up different posts on more public fora. My visits here have almost always been interrupted. I realise now that I can only blog best late in the night when nobody's awake to ask me this and that. It is also the best time for me to gather my thoughts on what has happened over the course of the day. that and fighting mosquitos (These bloody things don't seem to realise that we are in the dry season; a time to starve)

I have a lot I wish to say, about work, life, love, the country and many other things, but I shall only put down that which matters most... the spiritual relationship with God.

I prayed today. It is the first time I can remember prating out of my own will.I neither closed my eyes, nor did I say much, but I managed to whisper a few words to the man upstairs. I know he listened. It must have made him happy to hear from me after such a long time (I have disappeared from a lot of people, intentionally, but that is a tale for another day)

The last time I prayed was over a meal with my mew pal W. And in that case she prompted the prayer rather than me. The other day she asked me to accompany her to a christian gig, and I felt so out of place there, like I did not belong; I felt more at ease when lady M and I were at a bar, albeit I feel at home any time and anywhere I find myself with her (Lady M).

I am beginning to question my faith and wonder; Have I lost God? Has church simply become a habit that I do because I am expected to?

I know He's there; Calling to me. He wants me by his side even with all the shit that I have chosen to bury and forget. He's showing me the path that I need to follow... He promises to grant me the desires of my heart. Yet I am afraid that He will pull me away from some people who have brought me so much joy in my life over the past few months.

Monday, January 30, 2012

This is war

Tha daggers have been drawn the paint has been applied; Fuck it's even been splashed on. This is not going to be pretty. I am getting ready for war.

This is classic David against Goliath. The good thing about my opponent is that he feels he as more power then he actually does. This is because I have not been known to be confrontational. I feel bad for him. He should have picked on someone else. Oh well he picked me and crossed a line that I never let people cross without chopping off their foot.

I might sound cocky, but I am well aware that this is not going to be an easy fight. It'll be bloody difficult. the chances of my success are slim at best. However, as long as they exist I know I can pull of a surprise victory. Surprise to the world, not so much to me.

I cannot afford to fight his way, it's too expensive. I can't stick to the trenches, i'll find myself fighting a losing battle. I must use the tools most handy to me; my wits and the system. Make his enemies my friends, have that mutual purpose to see him go down without seeming to do so in the first place. This is a tough nut to crack. It could take months, but I am mentally ready to do it!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Between a pillow and a soft place

It is said you never know the value of a thing until you lose it. I cannot begin to say how much I appreciate the company of my fellow man. In this context the word man refers to the male gender of the species and not mankind in general.
I have been stuck in the office for a few weeks now with a bunch of women, and had it not been for the beautiful invention we call earphones, I  would have lost my sanity. There are more women than men in the office and the other dude in the office is currently on leave. Such a lucky man. I am all alone in this office world.
Why am I losing my mind? Well, that's rather obvious. Every day I am in the office, the conversation rotates around, dresses, make up, cooking, male bashing and other shit like that. I cannot stand to hear another word about how this colour matches with that or that Mr' X did this and that that makes him the devil. Nooo this is not a good thing for any man to go through. I call it cruel and unjust punishment. I shall be asking my employer for a hardship allowance next salary review. [It seems so far away]
The other day, they were asking me what I thought about one of their dresses. I declined to comment. The backlash was swift and vicious. Apparently I am jealous. Jealous of a dress? Please!!!
First of all why was my opinion being sought on dressing. Get a boyfriend or one of your girls to comment on your outfits; not me. I do not care. I never have, and probably never will. [Breathe]
I would only comment on a friend's outfit where I believe they look beautiful. Case in point Lady M. And people should stop fishing for comments, if an outfit is that good I shall say something about it. If not....
I have nothing against women, I think they are lovely. That is why I am always pursuing one or another. they bring a certain beauty to life that no man ever can. But, there is only so much that I can take.

Monday, January 09, 2012

good guys finish last... what about the DNF's

There is a belief in the world that I live in that good guys finish last.... and the bad boys come first.
However the statement should not be taken as truth. I am coming to realise that there are guys that don't finish at all. To them the race might as well not be run.

These are the dudes that fill in the numbers. They are loved by all women; just enough to be their friends. They are then disillusioned into a sense of comfort as these women get close to them and share their hopes, dreams and aspirations. These dudes are lulled into a foolish comfort that there is something actually going on. If only they knew. Before long the dude starts to getting feelings for the lady in his life and after a few weeks of holding it back, decides to declare his heart's desire.

The girl decides to mull over it for a few days before they finally meet to "talk" She starts off with a talk about how she loves spending time with him etc etc finally she says she doesn't feel the same way about him, but that he's a nice guy etc. Of course he hears nothing from this point on.

Now this has happens to virtually every dude on the planet. Luckily some meet someone who feels the same way as them sooner rather than later. However, there are others for whom this becomes a constant cycle... And their lives get really fucked up!! The worst bit is they still remain the charming gentle men that they are... You'd rather be a pig that eats swill than a prancing pony that dies of hunger.

This is probably the reason I have been eliminating female friends from my life. I don't want any more of this coffee and lunch date shit on the regular.... I don't want to be "that guy"!! The nice one who listens to female problems. No thank you. I'd rather be the lone wolf.

No offense ladies, but I think you use guys a bit too much. If you want a male friend, find a boyfriend or talk to your brother. Leave the poor suckers alone. You needing them will just fuck them up!

Thursday, January 05, 2012

what am I doing?

This week I have made several mistakes and they seem to compound itself. The most crucial is with lady M. I seek to redress those ills tomorrow, when I see her. I pray all goes well.

However this post is not abou that, but rather the situation I find myself in. A pal of mine who I worked with recently got a new job. It's a good job, nice benefits etc. The best part is that they are earning 3 times what I make. 3 TIMES!!! Fuck me!!!
Moments like these make me wonder whether I took the wrong path in life. However, when I think hard about it, I wouldn't do the job that they are doing. I can't be paid enough (I can, but let's not go there). It seems that some people have raced off and are travelling at 100 Km/hr while I'm stuck behind a slow lorry doing 30.
I am encouraged by the words of a very successful man that I know. He says that at some point in our lives, we all have to pay our dues. Go through a seemingly hard spell that will teach us valuable lessons for the success that comes later on. However, this will only be of use to us if we don't give up. We need to keep pushing through for what we want.
We all want to be successful in life; to say otherwise would be a lie. The truth about success in life is that it's not about the money we make, or what we own or control. Moreover, greater success is to be found in intrinsic things such as the wealth and depth of the relationship we have with family and friends. Our spiritual well being and enjoying good health.
but another truth is that money is one of the ways people keep score to know how well they are doing. And on this front I would like to be ahead. I won't lie about it.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

tell a tale

Happy 2012 readers

I write this from a slightly inebriated state... Yes I am well aware that today is the 3rd of January. I return to work tomorrow. (tongue out!!)
I sat down and tried to recall all the times I have walked up to a lady and told her that I liked her.  In my opinion it is the single most difficult thing I have had to do. Over and over again. I hope I have done it for the last time now. It get tiring being rejected/or

Her name is M. She is Amazing.What's so good about her?
Beauty? Check
Brains? Check
Wit? check
Do my friends like her? Check
Do I like her? Double check....
Today I told her that I like her. It was an awkward moment like I think it is meant to be. I wanted to do it sooner, but I couldn't. I chickened out, the silly punk that I am. Now I await a response. I shall call her this evening and see the progress.
Right now I am sprung harder than a mouse trap!!!

That reminds me. B shall read this post and want to kill me. I shall speak to her soon too!!