I have not been to this blog for the better part of this month. I have put up different posts on more public fora. My visits here have almost always been interrupted. I realise now that I can only blog best late in the night when nobody's awake to ask me this and that. It is also the best time for me to gather my thoughts on what has happened over the course of the day. that and fighting mosquitos (These bloody things don't seem to realise that we are in the dry season; a time to starve)
I have a lot I wish to say, about work, life, love, the country and many other things, but I shall only put down that which matters most... the spiritual relationship with God.
I prayed today. It is the first time I can remember prating out of my own will.I neither closed my eyes, nor did I say much, but I managed to whisper a few words to the man upstairs. I know he listened. It must have made him happy to hear from me after such a long time (I have disappeared from a lot of people, intentionally, but that is a tale for another day)
The last time I prayed was over a meal with my mew pal W. And in that case she prompted the prayer rather than me. The other day she asked me to accompany her to a christian gig, and I felt so out of place there, like I did not belong; I felt more at ease when lady M and I were at a bar, albeit I feel at home any time and anywhere I find myself with her (Lady M).
I am beginning to question my faith and wonder; Have I lost God? Has church simply become a habit that I do because I am expected to?
I know He's there; Calling to me. He wants me by his side even with all the shit that I have chosen to bury and forget. He's showing me the path that I need to follow... He promises to grant me the desires of my heart. Yet I am afraid that He will pull me away from some people who have brought me so much joy in my life over the past few months.