Friday, March 30, 2012

the smotherer part 2

Where was I? Ah! Yes! 100 words to fill the silence.... That tactic never works. What it does is lead to panic settings. Yes; that's right. If you want to make Tomas panic, be silent. From this point on its all down hill. A poorly thought out comment may be said, or an over composed text sent. Often at this point paranoia set in a long time ago and what's left is second guessing my every move and interpreting her every action or inaction. It's a fucking mess... This is a point I have rarely brought myself back from. It takes the hand of another.

Often that other is the lady in question. she is the source of my anxiety after all. Often some words of reassurance go a long way. A simple gesture such as a reassuring hug or look from her eyes will set all the demons to flight. but in some cases, the action never came or was too late. The result? A loss. A loss of a friendship over something that wasn't.... FUCK!!

If only I'd relax. However of late I am more in control of the thoughts in my mind. I have less and less wild ideas of what might be or could be or could have been. I calm down quickly. Often heading to the tiny cove in a warm place in my mind . reassuring myself that all will indeed be well. And you know what? It is.

For I am still here and I am still alive.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

the smotherer

Yes, yet another post about my absentee love life.  Oh well It is my blog after all
I have this tendency to smother those that I develop feelings for. whenever I fall for someone and the accept my advances, I get really excited. I guess this comes from my childhood. I was not one of the boys girls dreamt of. I was, for a very long time, a nice guy. the one who could help you with your homework. Or the one who you could ask whether another dude liked you. So, whenever a girl accepts my company I go over the moon. That marks the Genesis of the problem.

I love to push the limits. Especially in the things that I enjoy. And when that happens to be me enjoying someone's company I seek them out as much as I can. I can spend 7 days hanging out with you and even though yes it will get boring at some point, I am cool with it. I feel no pressure to act in a certain way.

However, I sometimes forget that not everybody is as awesome as me. So I can chill with someone for a whole weekend and then text/call them every day for an extended period (daily) till the next time I see them. The problem is that sometimes I have nothing to say (and it shows) So I end up calling someone and there's that awkward silence. which I promptly fill with 1000 stories.... To be continued

Saturday, March 24, 2012

the foreign post

As always I cannot fin an appropriate title, so I decided on that one. mostly because I am going doing this from someone else PC rather than mine. Oh well.....
I haven't written for a long time probably because life has been generally good and BUSY!!! Mostly busy. I don't want you to have the impression I only come here out of depression.

So, what has happened in the last few months? Not much.I have been living a lot of the routine but not skulking through my days. However as always I am seeking the attention of a lady. A good one who I can dote on and can be my "Other half" as some would put it. I want to once again enjoy the love and affection that can only be shown by another woman. I want the attention that comes with it.

Recently I got the chance to hold a lady's hand. It was beautiful, affectionate and there were some feelings there, but ut was short lived. Me and her just happened to be in that place where we both needed someone to be there; someone you could hold onto if only just for that evening. As soon as dawn broke the next day reality checked back in and we I was back to my lonely self.

I am lonely yes, but I do not spend my nights thinking of a lost love or mopping about with a cloud around my head. I am actually enjoying some of the best times of my life....and it's infectious. Some people who have known me for longer have noted that I seem to be filled with this fresh wind in my sails. I like it. It's thank partly to Slim, Kitten, LW and Lady M. They have helped me piece things back together. even though two of them are completely clueless of their powerful influence.

I thank God for these friends. He has truly blessed me!

Funny thing...remember this post well that new friend turned out to be Lady M. Go figure!!