Wednesday, July 18, 2012

it's not fear that grips him. Only a heightened sense of things

That has to be one of my favourite movie quotes ever. In case you were wondering, it came from the movie 300 which I watched again this weekend. How I wish those words were true in my life. I have learnt a lot of things from movies; one of them being how to make French toast. I kid you not. I have learnt about patience, perseverance and the value of hard work. Yes I do find value in movies.

While watching the movie, under the influence of some Martini, I noticed how the story continuously referred to acts of braveness and heroism.With lines such as "To die in service of Sparta was considered the greatest glory" or "Spartans never retreat, Spartans never surrender" It makes me wonder if I would have survived during such times. When men we considered to be men.

I speak as one who has lived in fear for all my life. I have feared what people would think about me. Feared being rejected by those I care for. Fear of achievement, fear of change... I have been crippled by it. Had I been born a Spartan boy, I might not have made it to my teens leave alone go for an the initiation ceremony into a man.

The very existence of this blog is as a result of fear. I do not believe that I shall be accepted by people therefore I hide here and choose to show this side of me to an anonymous public. The truth however is, the people that I think about as I write these words are the very people I hope would be able to see and accept this side of me. No questions asked.

This fear has made me lose out on life. I've lived a life of regret not out of what I have done, but rather what I haven't. This includes decisions that I made as recently as two weeks ago, but could not follow up. Why? I gave every excuse in the book; bad timing, not the right place, my own shit e.t.c. but in the end it was all about fear... of the one I like? Pathetic.

Only under the influence of alcohol could I ask someone out. And even then, I still stood a fair bit of distance away from her for fear that she would mistake the loud beating of my heart with wild drums.

Why has this thing called fear gained such mastery over me? Why do I flinch so early, whenever I have stood up to face these fears, things have gone well. Not perfect, but well.

This weekend could mark a significant milestone in my life either way. I plan to stand in front of a woman probably the most amazing woman I have ever met and ask her a tough question. Not that the question is tough, but rather that to me, the act of asking that question is like me facing Goliath.
Goliath is merely a long evening shadow that I can see from around the corner. Real problem is much much shorter. It is probably wounded and dying. A single blow (my action) would kill him off, but I still picture a 12ft warrior who only exists in my imagination.
Her "Yes" or "No" could either make or break my heart. That is part of what I fear, but if I do not stand up and do it, then I do not deserve the happiness I know I would have if I have her by my side.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

chasing the rainbow

Legend has it that at the bottom of the rainbow lies a pot of gold. It is also said that one can never chase a rainbow and catch it.
Of late, I think of myself as that person who's chasing the rainbow, but not catching it. I have been reaching and grasping for things and it is as if they do not want to be caught. And whenever I seem come close, they run away.
Do you have this friend of yours who is not really your friend? You ignore their calls at any time of the day or even reply their text 3 days later. This person has not necessarily done anything to rub you the wrong way or offended you either personally or impersonally. It's nothing personal, you just don't feel their vybe... Ever!!
I feel like that person right now. Not to say that my friends have put me aside and ignored me, but rather that I seem to be a reacher of things without having them reach out to me. There is no mutual point of attraction.

There is much more I want to say, but I cannot find the words right now...

A strange thing has just hit me. I want a kiss. Just one kiss that means something to the other person.