Wednesday, August 01, 2012

my B

I made a promise to my B that I would put up this post.
That is the only thing that has me awake at this hour. While my body screams for the rest and sleep it so desires and deserves, I stay awake for the third night in a row. At least this time it is for something good...

I have wanted to post for a while now, but after recent events my mind was not where it ought to be. Every time I sat down to write I would fill pages with lots of emotions of anger, pain disappointment and confusion. I could not finish a single post without having my mind wander all over the place. It was not a good place to be.

My best friend, who I told everything is no longer there like she used to be. I want to call her and talk to her about things like I used to, but on that fateful Saturday evening something broke and it has yet to be repaired. A basic job has been done with some tape and the cracks and scars are still very much existent underneath...
Why does this haunt me so much?

In other news, I seem to reach new levels of loathing my job every day. I stick to it because, well, I have bills to pay. If it wasn't for this thing called school I would not be here right now. I would be far away from my employer. It has began to hit me of late that I made a mistake 4 years ago when I joined this place. I should have left in that first week. My problem is that I actually thought I could be of some use and do something  of sense. How wrong was I? Fast forward 4 years later and I cannot see what value I have gained here. I am stuck doing things I do not enjoy; for people I do not like and who enjoy frustrating me and with people who don't seem to care in the same way I do. It is a poisonous environment. I must get out.

At this very point as I sit on this couch, I have tears at the back of my eyes. Why? Is it because I am enduring some great pain or sorrow? No. That I can do. Not easily but it's possible. It's because every other day I meet this cook who laughs and makes jokes at his work place... nothing major. It's actually quite a humble job, but it seems to bring happiness and value in his life. Or maybe he is like me smiling on the outside as he dies on the inside like me