Thursday, January 02, 2014

Goodbye 2013...

2013 was a crap year. Some would call it the worst year of my life. It was the year when I finally began to see how "evil" I could become. And to say the truth I could become the devil.

It was a horrid realization to that I could be that person that could exploit another persons weakness or faults. While some would not think twice about doing it. Especially where money was involved, I on the other hand was haunted at the person that I had become. I will admit that a part of me enjoyed the moment, because after all we everyone concerned knew exactly what they were getting themselves into and the risks involved, but all of me loathed myself after that.

At some point nothing seemed to be going right in my world. I was a picture of envy to some. I was even cast as a role model to others, but inside I knew I was shit. That this was a very well choreographed dance. Those closest to me could see behind the cracks in my mask and the chinks in my armour. However the knowledge that someone else was aware of my struggles did not spur me to seek redemption or improvement. The truth was that I did not know the way out.

As with all things in life that are not what they seem to be, the cookie eventually crumbled. It was only when I let down someone very dear to me did I go home and mentally begin to fall apart. In a ironic twist, this person actually forgave me immediately, but all that did was to heap burning coals on my head.

Life's meaning and purpose was... Well, not there. It was evident in everything I did and I did not give a fuck. I drank more, slept less. My eyes were dead to life around me. I did not care or bother about most around me. It was a bad time to be my friend, especially when I did not feel comfortable telling you what was happening.

It was a dark couple of months, but you know what? Lights shine brightest when it is darkest. I opted to do something that I had never thought that I would ever do. Seek out professional help. And so, one grey July morning I got up out of my bed and went to see a professional counsellor.

It was tough. It was difficult to sit there and share some of the things that I was going through with a total stranger. People say that it is easier, but not to me. Worse still is to have this person read you so accurately that you freak yourself out.

Many words, a couple of sessions and a few tough decisions later, I was smiling again. I am back to being a generally happy guy... I am still not fixed, but I know what the problem is and what I need to do about it.

I know I rushed that last bit about being better, but I am tired of writing. I may come back and update this post some day.

To 2013 I say aurevoir, adios, goodbye!!